Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

Lu Wenhao was inexplicably scolded. He distractedly held his cellphone for a long time before finally regaining his composure.

Lu Wenhao: Why are you scolding me?

Lu Wenhao: I'm already so miserable, and you're still scolding me?

Jing Huan was just called a 34 year old middle-aged uncle and was infuriated—this irritability was long overdue.

But he clearly couldn't say anything, so he just gnashed his teeth and typed.

Xiao Jing ya: Suddenly, I'm in a bad mood when I see your profile picture.

Lu Wenhao: ? School tyrant has started the bullying process.

Lu Wenhao: Oh yeah, now that you mention it, it's actually still a matching couple profile picture. Now that I'm reminded, Laozi is angry… She was Snow White, let me change my picture into that poisonous apple. Damn you, Laozi will change it now.

Lu Wenhao: But, can you really talk about my picture when you have such a pink profile picture? Don't you think your entire WeChat is very girly?

Xiao Jing ya: Can this group chat be shut down?

Gao Zixiang: No, but can kick people out.

Lu Wenhao: [smiles] [waves]

Jing Huan liked dawdling in bed, especially when it was raining outside, it was perfect for sleeping. Now, he didn't want to get out of bed even more.

Xiang Huaizhi sat up, raised his hand and casually stroked his hair. "What do you want to eat for breakfast? Order takeout or I'll make something for you?"

Jing Huan put down his cellphone. "You can make breakfast?"

"Looking down on people?" Xiang Huaizhi paused then picked up the cellphone beside his pillow and said, "Okay ba, I can only make fried eggs… Let's order takeout ba. "

"No," Jing Huan held his hand. "Fried eggs ba, I like eating eggs."

Xiang Huaizhi freed his hand and pressed it gently against Jing Huan's forehead, brushing the stray hairs aside..

Jing Huan thought that he was going to kiss him. He subconsciously thought that he hadn't brushed his teeth yet, so he immediately tightened his lips and thought that if they just touched… it should be fine.

Xiang Huaizhi didn't kiss him. He was silent for a while, and at last just rubbed his hair. "Okay, wait for a bit."

After breakfast, the two of them didn't leave the bedroom. Xiang Huaizhi turned on the computer to prepare things for the arena tonight, and Jing Huan leaned on his waist, watching him mess around..

Seeing that he hadn't spoken in a long time, Xiang Huaizhi reached his hand out and pinched Jing Huan's ear. "Bored?"

"Not bored."

"Then why aren't you talking?"

Jing Huan yawned. He was even sleepier after eating breakfast. He suspected that he had been a bear in his last life, and that's why he always wanted to hibernate in the winter.

"Thinking about things," he replied.

"What things?" Xiang Huaizhi asked

"I'm wondering." Jing Huan paused and said, "About why my boyfriend didn't kiss me when he got up this morning."

Xiang Huaizhi's pinch grew a bit stronger.

Jing Huan continued, "Sure enough, the best things are the ones that can't be obtained. After just dating for one night, he's already lost his passion for me…"

He didn't manage to finish the rest of his speech.

Xiang Huaizhi tossed the computer aside, straddled him, and kissed him until he was well-behaved.

Fuck…

Jing Huan's ears instantly became red. He had still wondered about yesterday, if they were moving too fast; they had just gotten together, and were already doing these kinds of things with each other… But as soon as he got kissed, the thoughts immediately got flung ten miles away.

Besides, compared to the bad man Lu Wenhao, who took condoms to his first face to face meeting, it didn't seem excessive.

"What are you laughing at?" Xiang Huaizhi raised his head and rubbed the corners of his mouth with his fingers.

Jing Huan tried to stop laughing, "No, I was just thinking of Lu Wenhao."

"…"

Jing Huan had wanted to say something else but in the blink of an eye, his lips were captured again. He laughed a bit, but before he could respond, his clothes were lifted. His skin was exposed to the air, which brought about a cool feeling. Soon, it was covered by the warmth of Xiang Huaizhi's palm.

Jing Huan was a bit startled. He reflexively bent up a bit, but was firmly pressed down.

Ten minutes later, Jing Huan gasped, and his eyes glazed over.

"Do you now know why your boyfriend didn't kiss you in the morning?" Xiang Huaizhi kissed him on the ear, "Afraid you're not used to the morning delight."

Jing Huan’s throat tightened. “I think it’s quite bright right now&#k2026;”

Xiang Huaizhi let out an “en” and continued, “So, I’m planning to let you get used to it from now on.”

Jing Huan’s heart was beating furiously.

He and Xiang Huaizhi held gazes for a while until he lifted his hand and put it around his neck. He propped himself up, and, refusing to accept defeat, bit Xiang Huaizhi’s Adam’s apple.

After they had stopped kissing for a while, Jing Huan suddenly realized, it couldn't have been because he had mentioned Lu Wenhao, that Xiang Huaizhi had kissed him so fiercely, right?

Xiang Huaizhi sat in front of the desk, discussing the livestream details with the GM, while Jing Huan laid dazed on the sofa behind him, holding his laptop and afking by the Temple of Heaven.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Chichi, do instances?

[Friend] Love is For You to Eat: No! I'm absorbing the nourishment of life!

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: What nourishment?

[Friend] Love is For You to Eat: Reading some smut!

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: ….

Every time something like this happened, Jing Huan's catfisher conscience would ache.

He thought about it then typed out a line of words: Then I won't disturb your steady growth——

[friend] Love is For You to Eat: 55555 these two guys are a really good match, I'm seriously crying!

[friend] Xiao Tianjing: ? Two guys??

[friend] Love is For You to Eat: Yes! My beloved wife's new work! Ah, you don't read danmei ba? Then, just pretend I didn't say anything.

Jing Huan surfed the Internet every day. Although he had never been exposed to it, he did know what "danmei" was.

Men on men's… smut?

Jing Huan swallowed his saliva and stealthily looked at Xiang Huaizhi.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Can you share some with me?

[Friend] Love is For You to Eat: [surprised] You also read it?!

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Occasionally…

[Friend] Love is For You to Eat:: You must be my long lost sister! Look at WeChat! I'll send you some right away!

Jing Huan opened WeChat and indeed, he had received a folder.

Chichi: These are my personal and carefully collated txt files! There are all kinds of flavors in it! I wish you happiness!

Jing Huan sent her a thanks and then clicked to open the folder.

Within the folder were eight documents with very long file names. Jing Huan hesitated, but clicked open a document labelled "Very H". .

Jing Huan gulped again.

I didn't download it just to read porn ah.

I just want to gather some information.

Just in case I use it later…

Jing Huan ventured in with an attitude of learning. He bent his legs and moved the screen right to his face like a thief, afraid of being discovered by Xiang Huaizhi.

Jing Huan read through two chapters. His expression changed from inquisitive to doubtful, and then his pupils trembled——

Fuck, why did this man immediately tie the other guy up?

And then even locked him up with chains?

Bro, this is illegal imprisonment, okay???

Why didn't the other man resist?!

His hands might be tied up, but didn't he still have his legs?!

It's practically lawless!!

Hearing the dull sound of someone hammering the sofa from behind him, Xiang Huaizhi frowned. "What are you looking at?"

"Crime fiction." Jing Huan ground his teeth.

Jing Huan couldn't bear it anymore, so he opened up another one.

This one was much more normal, but… he couldn't really learn anything from it.

When he got to chapter six, the main male character threw up.

Jing Huan deeply thought, overindulgence in debauchery would obviously cause problems.

Turning to the next page, the main male character went to the hospital and headed over to the OBGYN department.

Jing Huan: ?

He bewilderedly continued to flip pages, only to see the doctor appear, take out his examination report, and earnestly say to the main male character——

"You're already three months pregnant. Does your husband know?"

?

Who the hell would know that ah???

Jing Huan silently closed the document.

In the evening, after they finished eating takeout, Xiang Huaizhi went to the bathroom to take a bath, and Jing Huan leisurely went into the NCH livestream room.

The GMs were determined to promote their platform, and almost all the top players from the major servers had been recruited. Jing Huan glanced at the channel list, and saw several names he had heard about before he previously abandoned the game. All the livestream rooms seemed pretty popular.

More than 30,000 people were watching Chunxiao's livestream. Jing Huan clicked and found that Chunxiao actually had actually turned on her video camera.

Chunxiao's hairstyle was short and cleanly cut, she had heroic eyebrows and eyes, and her real life appearance fit her online image perfectly.

Next to her was a woman with curly hair and light make-up on. She smiled, and her eyes curved. Jing Huan guessed that she was Regardless of Lovesickness.

They both wore the same earrings.

Regardless of Lovesickness placed her chin on Chunxiao's shoulder, and the two of them would whisper to each other from time to time, basically not caring about the people in the barrage.

This was so… How was this livestreaming a game? It was clearly livestreaming PDA ba?

He continued to move through the livestream room list and found Xiang Huaizhi's official livestream room.

The name of the room was extremely pompous—[Nine Chivalrous Heroes player, number one God of War "Yearning For" livestreams for the first time.]

Jing Huan took a glance at the number of viewers and was instantly shocked.

With 30 minutes to go before the stream, more than 20,000 people were already lurking in the studio.

He even suspected that half of them were accounts made by the GM's for Xiang Huaizhi…

Jing Huan immediately jumped out of Chunxiao's room.

[Xiao Tianjing has entered the room.]

[Don't Ask when I'll Return: Why hasn't the great God started streaming yet?]

[Don't Ask when I'll Return: The great God's wife is here!]

[Half Life: hehe.]

[Long Road Ahead: Xiaojing, tell Xiangxiang to hurry up. I have prepared a present for him!]

…

The real-time chat section was bustling, and at a glance, a lot of the people there were acquaintances.

Jing Huan had just wanted to type and explain when he heard a "ding dong" sound, indicating that he was given mic access by a moderator.

?

Just as he was confused, the room moderator sent over a message

[Room Manager 013: Ahhhhhh, great God's wife, I'm sorry ah! I wasn't careful and accidentally pushed the full screen broadcast for the great God's livestream too early! Save me ah! The great God hasn't come yet?]

[Xiao Tianjing: Not yet, so what should we do?]

[Room Manager 013: Can you help say a few words to the livestream waiting room? Save me…]

[Xiao Tianjing: Me?]

[Room Manager 013: Yes, the great God said that this livestream would be shared between the two of you… Say anything! Don't worry about being scolded, we have arranged a lot of room moderators, who will promptly block people]

What does he have to say….

Jing Huan scratched his head, and had just wanted to refuse, when he saw the comments starting up again.

[Already broadcasting full screen but no one is around, Yearning For has special connections and favors ah?]

[Probably not true, but it has been said that the GMs adjusted the drop rate for him. Otherwise, how else do you think he could get all the good equipment on him?]

[NCH's beloved son]

[This sour smell… This is clearly the moderator's mistake?]

Jing Huan's gaze was sharp, and finally, he clenched his teeth and projected his game character into the livestream room.

Seeing the character appear on the screen, the barrage exploded again.

[I'm here to see Yearning For, not his wife trying to act cute]

[I'm not the same. I even want to hear her "Loyalty to the Country".]

[Long Road Ahead: Xiao Jingjing, where's your husband?]

Seeing the word "husband", Jing Huan's heart thumped.

That's right, he couldn't show it in reality, but wasn't he allowed to show it online?

What's there to worry about when just talking in a livestream?

Jing Huan moved his game character next to Yearning For and said, "He's still taking a bath. The moderator said he'd be on at 7 p.m., and it's only 6:30 p.m right now. If you're going to curse someone out, curse the mod. Those who curse at my Gege can get blocked one by one."

The barrage was quiet for a few seconds.

And then thousands of "?" came in.

Jing Huan was stupefied for a moment. The computer was covered by the spam of question marks.

Among the spam in the barrage, he managed to see one sentence——

[Immortal Mengmeng: I'm confused, who are you???? ]

Jing Huan's lips curved, and he laughed a bit. That persistent Immortal Mengmeng was hard at work again. "Who am I? I'm Yearning For's sweetheart baby…"

Before he had finished speaking, his cellphone started to beep a bunch of times, and continued to do so for a long time..

Jing Huan frowned, looked down, and countless WeChat messages appeared on the screen——

Lu Wenhao: ??? @ Xiao Jing ya!

Lu Ge: ???

Gao Zixiang: Shit, oh my god, I just heard a voice that sounded like yours. @Xiao Jing ya

Qiufeng: ???

Chichi: ??

Chichi: … Xiao Jingjing.

Chichi: Although I don't know what's going on… but I think… you may…

Chichi: Have forgotten to turn on your voice changer?

Jing Huan was stunned.

Jing Huan became lifeless.

He slowly lowered his head and saw three huge letters displayed on his voice changer—OFF.

Jing Huan's first reaction was—what color should my coffin be?

There was the sound of a door opening behind him.

Xiang Huaizhi came out of the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped around his waist. His voice was hoarse because of the steam. "I'm done with my bath, do you want to take one?"

—

Juurensha: Dundundun, at last, Huanhuan has been exposed! (And due to his own actions as always hahahaha)

Divi: LMAO HUANHUAN. You wanted to show off right? There you go, just reveal everything all at once. Chichi being the good girl to tell Huanhuan that he screwed up. WHAT NOW?!

And we have a fanart page!

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