Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

It wasn't like Lu Hang hadn't seen Xiang Huaizhi's face red before; who wasn't red and sweating like a pig after a game of basketball.

But with the way he was now, pink all the way up to his ears, he'd never seen him like this before.

He considered this for a long time as he held his milk teas, and asked provocatively, "You weren't watching porn just now, were you?"

Xiang Huaizhi was too lazy to even twitch. "Scram."

Lu Hang laughed and said, "Just kidding ah, have you helped solve Xiao Jingjing's problem?"

"En."

"How did you solve it?"

"Killed."

"Killed…" Lu Hang sat at his computer desk and was stunned when he heard. "Kill, killed?! Who did you kill?"

After drinking half a cup of water, Xiang Huaizhi refilled it again. "Wheat's Number One Fan."

Lu Hang was completely shocked.

Originally, Xiang Huaizhi cutting class for Xiao Tianjing had already surprised him, but he had actually killed people for her?

He and Xiang Huaizhi had played games together for so many years, and he has only ever seen Xiang Huaizhi kill two people.

One was Immortal Mengmeng, and the other was now Wheat's Number One Fan.

And both of them were killed for Xiao Tianjing.

Lu Hang's expression was complicated. After a while, he suddenly realized. "Xiangxiang, so you really… you really like Xiao Jingjing that much, huh?"

The case was solved.

The reason why his bosom roommate had never dated in all these long years had at last been found.

To be honest, girls like Xiao Tianjing were on the verge of extinction these days. Nowadays, girls were fiercer than boys, and their true inner thoughts were especially elusive. Someone so sweet and charming, who also liked to be coy… the only person like that around Lu Hang was Xiao Tianjing.

His bosom roommate's taste was really special.

Xiang Huaizhi looked at him in an even way. "You're that bored?"

"Not bored, not bored." Lu Hang wisely shut up. "I'll finish running the last quest now. First thing in the morning tomorrow, we'll go fuck up the God of War!"

Xiang Huaizhi ignored him and went back to his computer.

The little fox fairy was still in his team. The two of their figures overlapped, unusually intimate.

The calmness on Xiang Huaizhi's face slipped a bit, and he could feel a headache brewing.

Why did he just say that?

Xiang Huaizhi didn't know what his own brain was thinking at the moment he called Jing Huan that.

He's already this old, but he'd never called someone so intimately before, and the person was even another man.

In the evening, Lu Hang finally finished the God of War quests and returned to the instance team.

"These quests really aren't meant for people to do," Lu Hang complained in the team. "I'm about to vomit from running around so much, and every level's quest I have to run into at least ten NPCs… I hope the GM is watching and gives me a good attribute. I really don't want to do this a second time. "

Love is For You to Eat said, "That's hard to say, it seems that no one has managed to ascend in just one go before?"

Jing Huan asked, "How many times did Gege kill the God of War before he got his divine weapon?"

Xiang Huaizhi replied, "Three times."

Jing Huan soured.

What's the difference between three times and one time? Who knew how many servers had already been open for ten years, but not a single divine weapon had appeared on them.

Lu Hang thought about it and decided they were right. "Then I'll make my wish more reasonable. If I can't ascend in one go, three times is fine too ba. I'll go to Mount Lan Temple to worship in a moment."

Mount Lan Temple was a game scene in NCH. It was a temple with several NPC quests.

Xiang Huaizhi sneered. "Going to pray at a bunch of Buddha figures created from stacked up data?"

"It's the thought that counts, don't you know!" Lu Hang said, "I heard a lot of people say that it's really effective to worship in that scene."

When he finished talking, idle and bored, he clicked to open up NCH's social center and just looked around.

NCH's social center, similar to QQ's space and friend circles, could send text and pictures, and could also allow one to look at friends' posts. Lu Hang's female friends often posted photos there.

Lu Hang liked them one by one, and accidentally swiped past a screenshot from the game.

He frowned, feeling as if he had seen something very strange, and slowly flipped back.

After a long time, Lu Hang called out in a quiet voice, "Xiangxiang."

"Speak."

"You kissed Xiao Jingjing?"

"…" Xiang Huaizhi's hand suddenly slipped, and the attack deviated, his long sword stabbing past the boss's face. "That's called a character action."

Lu Hang corrected himself. “You actually did a kissing character action with Xiao Jingjing.”

Xiang Huaizhi gave up on correcting him and frowned. “How did you know?”

“Xiao Jingjing put it on her homepage, didn’t you see it?”

Xiang Huaizhi really hadn’t seen it.

He had few in-game friends and never posted game updates. The buttons on his homepage meant nothing to him.

He opened his personal homepage and refreshed it. Jing Huan's post was at the top of his feed.

[Xiao Tianjing: ヾ(≧ ≦*)ヾ Always love Gege! [picture]

The picture was the photo of them kissing at the Moon Palace in the afternoon.

Beneath it were several comments and likes that Xiang Huaizhi scrolled through.

[Love is For You to Eat]: Eeeee~

[Don't Ask when I'll Return]: It's over. After this, my Guild Officer Qiufeng has completely no chance now. Tch, I even bet people that you'd change your mind, I've lost money now.

[Peachy Fate]: Return, how could you bet that, God Xiang is going to come after you and kill you sooner or later.

[Qiufeng]: Xiao Jing, come back to me for a private chat. [crying]

Xiang Huaizhi closed Xiao Tianjing's homepage and clicked to open his own.

Naturally, he didn't have a single post up, although there were a lot of comments in the comment section.

They were all left by Immortal Mengmeng from before, some flirtatious words.

Xiang Huaizhi didn't even blink before clicking Select All and deleting everything.

The next morning, Lu Hang got up happily before his alarm clock rang.

He didn't dare wake up Xiang Huaizhi, but was eager to kill the God of War, so after a while, he held a small concert in his bedroom with a cup, a bowl, a table, and a chair.

Xiang Huaizhi woke up from the noise, and his brows were completely furrowed.

"If you pound the cup on the table again, I'm going to throw you out of the window."

Lu Hang cleared his throat and sang out, "Dad! Dad! Dad! Good dad, good dad, I have a good dad! "

Xiang Huaizhi: "…"

Lu Hang begged, "Daddy, get up and help me kill and win a divine weapon. Your son has been gathering materials for several months and has been looking forward to this day."

"I don't have a son like you." Xiang Huaizhi raised his hand to cover his eyes. "What time is it now?"

"It's nine, daddy."

"So early, if you get on right now, no one will be on anyway."

"They'll be on, daddy," Lu Hang said with a big smile, "I woke them all up with WeChat."

"…" Xiang Huaizhi opened his eyes. "Woke all of them up?"

"Yes, daddy."

Xiang Huaizhi said sincerely, "You're really wicked."

"If anything happens in the future, no matter how early or late it is, I'll always be the first person on scene for them!"

Xiang Huaizhi was too lazy to talk to him. He felt around his pillow and clicked on his cellphone.

Sure enough, there were two messages on it.

Xiao Jing ya: Gege, are you awake?

Xiao Jing ya: [rubbing eyes]

Xiang Huaizhi casually replied, then fighting against his sleepiness, he threw off his blankets, got up, got out of bed, and washed up.

When he logged on, the other four were already waiting for him.

Since he was the one asking other people for help, all the potions were naturally provided by Lu Hang. He said, "Xiangxiang, say what potions we should respectively carry, and I'll throw it to them."

After distributing all the potions, Xiang Huaizhi asked, "What attributes does Qiufeng use?"

"Endurance and sealing hit rate." Qiufeng replied.

"Switch to speed and sealing hit rate, and we have enough healing." Xiang Huaizhi swept his eyes to the little fox fairy at his side, "Xiao Tianjing is using what?"

"Using…" Jing Huan's voice carried obvious traces of sleepiness. "Speed and sealing hit rate."

"En," Xiang Huaizhi said, "Start the kill, listen to my commands, and the earlier we finish killing, the earlier we can rest."

—

At one o'clock in the afternoon, a post appeared in the NCH forum, and within a few minutes, the players had shot it up to "hot".

[Illusion server Yearning For's team has defeated the God of War in 62 minutes, creating a new record, video attached. ]

Internet cafe cubicle.

Jing Huan lay on the table, yawned, and listened to Lu Wenhao and Gao Zixiang.

Lu Wenhao exclaimed, "Holy shit, God Xiang struck…seven strikes, how the hell did he do it??"

Gao Zixiang added, "Those two warlocks are also very powerful. You can see that their seal hit rate is very high, and the little monsters are completely sealed by them."

"But I still think this fairy fox cave is pretty impressive. Did you see how few times she got hit? This kind of reaction time lasting for a whole 60 minutes, too strong." Lu Wenhao said, frowning, "Although how come all her blood pools are only for God Xiang? The rest of them all have to depend on the Putuo for their healing. "

"Fairy fox caves aren't really healers anyway, and her seals are also very accurate. She controlled every round of special little monsters. She was probably assigned to seal off the special little monsters, healing God Xiang was just extra." Gao Zixiang let out a "tch" sound. "Don't watch anymore, even without this fairy fox cave's blood pool abilities, she's still 100 times better than you."

"Damn you, taking the opportunity to imply something about your daddy?"

Jing Huan frowned, raised his face from his elbow, and asked, "Can you be quiet for a while?"

Gao Zixiang looked at him wonderingly. "Huanhuan, what's wrong with you today? You're at an Internet bar, and you're still sleepy?"

Jing Huan only remembered after killing the God of War that he had promised his roommates to come out and play PUBG together.

He was worried that going back to sleep would lead to sleeplessness at night, so he thought about it and came out anyway.

But it didn't work. He was supposed to be sleepy, so he was still sleepy.

"I didn't sleep well." He said angrily, "Do you guys want to play or not? If we're not playing, I'm going back."

Lu Wenhao said, "Playing, playing playing, Huanhuan just wait a bit. This video still has ten minutes left on it… Why don't you just watch it with us?"

"Not watching." Jing Huan yawned again and simply got up.

"Don't go ah," Gao Zixiang reached out to stop him. "I'm speeding it up."

Jing Huan pushed open the door of the cubicle. "I'll go to the bathroom to wash my face."

In his present state, it wouldn't be strange if he got beaten to paste while playing later.

They had come to the best Internet cafe near the school.

But their school was in a remote location, so what counted as the best here, in fact, the scale of it was the same as a small Internet bar in the city.

Other things Jing Huan didn't care about, but the bathroom was too small—two restrooms, one for men and one for women. The passage to the restrooms was also very narrow. Two big men couldn't cross it side by side, they would have to walk sideways a bit.

Jing Huan walked through the narrow corridor to the sinks in the men's restroom. He saw a used paper towel beside the faucet and couldn't help frowning. He didn't even have the courage to touch the faucet taps anymore.

They shouldn't come to this Internet cafe in the future.

As he was preparing to leave, he glanced down and saw that four tiny black things had appeared by his shoes.

They seemed to be moving.

Because he was in a shadow, he couldn't see clearly and instinctively bent down slightly.

*

Xiang Huaizhi walked into an Internet cafe, and when the receptionist saw him, their eyes brightened. "Hello, need a computer?"

Xiang Huaizhi replied, "Can I use your restroom?"

A passer-by had accidentally smeared ice cream on his sleeve and arm. It was sticky, and it made him uncomfortable unless he washed it off.

The receptionist nodded. "No problem. Go straight and turn left. It's the furthest door on the left."

"Thank you."

Xiang Huaizhi walked into the corridor and couldn't help looking down at his sleeve.

The ice cream was chocolate flavored and had ruined his white sleeve.

The door to the men's room was closed.

Xiang Huaizhi stood waiting outside the door. He was considering whether or not to throw away the shirt after he got home when he heard several frantic and quick footsteps coming from inside the restroom.

He hadn't reacted yet when the restroom door in front of him suddenly opened, and a boy rushed out of it in a panic.

Seeing the person running out, Xiang Huaizhi paused. "You…"

The man in front of him was blocking his escape route, and behind him was a super monster. Jing Huan didn't hesitate before jumping onto the other person——

"Ge! Cockroach!! Cockroaches!!!" Jing Huan broke down. He directly hooked his arms around Xiang Huaizhi's neck and unreasonably stepped on the other's shoes, and said incoherently, "Four!! Four!!! Four of them ahhh!! Super big!! Cockroaches! They, they can fly!!!"

Xiang Huaizhi was first hit in the face, then strangled by the neck, and finally, his feet were firmly stepped on.

And now, the other boy's feet were still stepping on his shoes.

Xiang Huaizhi had never held anyone this closely before. The boy's freezing cold arms were stuck around his neck, exerting a great amount of force.

He looked at the four fast-flying black insects on the floor of the restroom, and his eyelids twitched twice. "En, I see them, there's four of them."

Goosebumps rose all over Jing Huan's body. He hugged the other person even tighter!

"…" Smelling the scent of soap on Jing Huan's body, Xiang Huaizhi said in a hoarse voice, "Come down, and I'll close the door."

Jing Huan choked out, "No way Ge, I'll die when I come down. I'll really die, die right here."

Xiang Huaizhi could hear his voice trembling.

He's really that scared?

"Then stand on my feet. I'll go two steps forward, close the door, and then we'll leave."

"…"

"I guarantee I won't let them touch you."

Jing Huan didn't speak. After a long time, he nodded slowly on his shoulder.

The door was closed.

Xiang Huaizhi could clearly feel that the man holding him let out a held breath, and then started to breathe heavily in and out.

He hesitated for a moment, then placed his palm on Jing Huan's back and patted twice. "Are you ok?"

Jing Huan's scalp was numb. "Did they run out?"

"No, they're all inside. I saw it."

Two minutes later, Jing Huan was squatting in the hallway. It took a long time for him to recover.

"Now then," he adjusted his mood, looked up, and apologized. "Ge, I'm sorry. I ran into you again."

His eyes were red, and the tip of his nose was also red.

Xiang Huaizhi stared blankly at him. "You…are really afraid of cockroaches? "

"Yeah."

Anyway, it wasn't a big deal, so Jing Huan said truthfully, "When I was a child, I went back to my hometown and was accidentally locked in an abandoned house for a whole day. Ever since then, I've been really afraid of insects… It doesn't quite fit with my image as a fierce man, does it?"

Saying this, he sniffed, raised his hand to measure the distance with his fingers, smiled, and said, "Those cockroaches were so close to my shoes just now, and they even flew at my face. I was so close to just dying right there…"

Xiang Huaizhi looked at Jing Huan's red eyes, and for some reason, his heart lightly jumped a few times.

Jing Huan seemed to just think of something. Looking down, he was stunned. "Fuck me…Ge, I've stepped all over your shoes into this state?"

Xiang Huaizhi's white athletic shoes were completely covered in his footprints, and it was obvious from just a glance how hard he had been stepped on.

Jing Huan was overwhelmed by guilt. "Oh no, you weren't hurt from me stepping on you? Ge, do your feet hurt? Can you still feel them?"

"Not hurt, you're light." Xiang Huaizhi returned to his senses.

"I'm over 130 jin, Ge." Jing Huan squatted and shifted closer to his feet, his eyes fixed on Xiang Huaizhi's shoes. "Otherwise, shall we go to the hospital?"

"No need."

"Then, take off your shoes, and I'll rub your feet for you?"

Xiang Huaizhi's throat tightened. "No need…it's really alright. "

A few minutes later, Jing Huan finally gave up.

"Then, if you suddenly feel uncomfortable, you must tell me so that I can take responsibility."

"… Okay. "

Jing Huan stood up and said, "Right Ge, you also came to go online?"

Without waiting for Xiang Huaizhi to answer, Jing Huan looked around. "Are you alone? We still have a vacancy in our cubicle. Would you like to come with us? I'll pay for your machine. Lu Wenhao and Gao Zixiang are in the cubicle, and you know both of them."

Xiang Huaizhi didn't plan to go. Their relationship wasn't at the point where they could sit together and play together.

"Playing games in the afternoon, then going to dinner together, and then playing a game of night basketball in the evening." Jing Huan looked at him expectantly. "How does that sound, Ge?"

Xiang Huaizhi: "…"

Xiang Huaizhi turned around. "How many accounts in the cubicle, I'll go pay for a machine."

"Three accounts, and I'll accompany you. We agreed that I'd pay for your machine." Jing Huan followed him hurriedly.

He walked two steps, then suddenly moved closer to Xiang Huaizhi and sniffed. "Ge, you smell really sweet."

Xiang Huaizhi replied, "Got ice cream on me."

"No wonder…" Jing Huan looked at his own clothes, which were also now stained with some chocolate. He smiled and said, "It actually smells pretty good."

Xiang Huaizhi didn't look back, gently letting out an "En" sound.

Throwing away this shirt wasn't necessary, after a wash it could still be worn, he thought.

—

Juurensha: Okay, to be fair, those cockroaches were terrifying. On the other hand, woooow XHZ you're having a pretty good time, aren't you?

Divi: XHZ just got a date and he's in a better mood. 🙂

Some fanart from Weibo today:

And in honor of the novel wrapping up in the raws, Juurensha wrote celebratory smut! (Warnings: NSFW and some spoilers for untranslated chapters): Fic