i'm not a bad man

Chapter 511 What is Happiness?
On such a rainy night, while Zuo Xiaowei and I were drinking wine, we talked about the topic of death. The atmosphere inevitably became heavy and depressing, but death is something that none of us can get around after all. Things in the past, and the "tick-tick-tick" sound of rain is like an hourglass, life is passing by bit by bit...

I don’t know how long I was silent for, then I looked up at Zuo Xiaowei. She compared my death to "destroying the world"; maybe, I really am so important in her heart...

I finally smiled and said to her: "Don't think of my death as something so difficult to accept. You have to live well and remember me... You know, until now, I sometimes still I vaguely feel that Luan Yu is not dead, she has always lived in my heart... But if one day, I am no longer in this world, and his parents have all left this world, there will be no one left. Remember her, think about her, that is the real death... If you can always live well and remember me, then to you, I have not completely disappeared..."

I wanted to say something more to reduce the fear of death and relieve the pain of death; but Zuo Xiaowei wouldn't let me say any more. She kept shaking her head and said: "Don't mention the word death, we all still You are very young, no one is allowed to die... Han Chao, how about we drink, I am really happy drinking with you, I can't feel the time passing..."

After saying that, Zuo Xiaowei helped me fill up my cup, and her cup was also filled up. She probably forgot that what we drank was white wine, and it was high-strength white wine. Drinking like this will make you drunk.

I didn't want to drink anymore, so I put the glass of wine aside to dry, walked to the window, looked at the humid city in front of me, and couldn't help but think of the death threat again.

It would be great if Zuo Xiaowei and I really had a child. Then, even if something unexpected happened to me, my parents would still have hope and comfort; perhaps, this is what mankind must continue to do. The ultimate meaning of life.

But this seems a bit selfish, because when we decide to continue our lives, we never think about whether this world is worth visiting for our children, and what is the meaning of life that has lost the right to choose?Is it just to be shackled by fate from the moment of birth?

Thinking about it this way, pain is the most eternal theme in life, because we have never had the right to choose in the true sense. Our life is to drift with the flow. We were brought into this world by our parents with the flow, and then we live and accept the flow. Pain, let your children drift with the tide and come into this world; finally, wait for death with the tide...

Therefore, for most people, life may not be meaningful at all. Since it is meaningless, why should we be so afraid of death?
I lit a cigarette, smiled, and didn't care about the death threat even more.

At this moment, the only thing I want to do is to do what I want to do in this drifting life, and people must learn to please themselves. Even if there is only a moment of joy, it is better than wallowing in endless pain... …

……

I don’t know when Zuo Xiaowei came to me quietly and looked at the humid city in front of me with me; she seemed to have become everything to me, because I had almost cut off contact with other people and only had her. In my life, I have a close connection every day because of food and daily life.

There was a surge of tenderness in my heart, so much so that the way I looked at her changed a little.

I finally said to her: "What do you want to eat tomorrow, and I can cook it for you?"

Zuo Xiaowei looked at me in surprise. Out of lack of confidence, she confirmed with me: "Are you going to cook for me?"

"Well, I'll cook for you. I don't have to rehearse anyway. I have a lot of time every day... You can come directly to my place for dinner after rehearsal tomorrow."

Zuo Xiaowei finally smiled and replied: "Okay, you can do whatever you want, I'm not picky about food."

Only then did I realize that Zuo Xiaowei had deeply remembered my taste, but I had no idea what she liked to eat, so with some unequal guilt, I said to her: "How can a girl not be picky about food?" Yes, you tell me, as long as you like to eat, even if you read the recipe, I will make it for you."

Zuo Xiaowei then said with her own heart: "Then I'll tell you what I like to eat...my favorite food is stir-fried shrimps with broccoli and braised eggplant. If you can make spicy chicken, Even better…”

There seemed to be a lot of things she liked to eat, but she stopped abruptly and then said to me: "Three dishes are enough for two people to eat." I nodded, then took out my phone and said to her These dishes are all recorded in the memo; these dishes are not difficult to remember, but I don’t know why, my memory has been a bit poor recently, especially these trivial things, it is always easy to forget.

……

After all, Zuo Xiaowei didn’t drink the two glasses of white wine she just poured. It was already 11:30 in the middle of the night. Zuo Xiaowei was about to leave. She was standing next to the shoe rack near the door, bending down and wearing her white dress. High heel.

I kept looking at her, and after she finished dressing and straightened up, I said to her in an unprecedented and proactive manner: "Xiaowei, can I hug you?

"what!"

Zuo Xiaowei was stunned again, and I walked towards her again, waiting for her to accept.

She never seemed to reject me, so she finally nodded to me.

I hugged her tightly, and after a slight hesitation, she hugged me tightly, as if looking for a long-lost sense of security.If the child was still there, she would be pregnant at this time. I unconsciously had a picture of a family of three in my mind, so I hugged her tighter.

……

After Zuo Xiaowei left, I also washed up and lay on the bed. Then I found the recipes for the three dishes on Douyin and studied the methods of these three dishes carefully. I wanted to cook for Zuo Xiaowei; if If possible, I will cook for her during these days at BJ.

What I didn't expect was that my heart would be enriched by this little thing...

Once a person is fulfilled, he will not think about those messy and annoying things, so I also had a good sleep for the first time, and during this long sleep, I only had one dream, which was to do those three things. dish, and then waited for Zuo Xiaowei to finish the rehearsal.

It seems like I haven't had such a simple dream for a long time.

So after I woke up, I sat alone on the bed and thought about it for a long time; I suddenly found that when I came to BJ this time, my mentality changed a lot. This change was not deliberate, but a subtle change...

It is precisely because of Zuo Xiaowei's company that I even feel that the city of BJ is not so crowded and fast-paced. I seem to have a lot of space, but there are always some trivial things that will fill it up. space and makes me feel fulfilled.

Based on this mood, I wrote a second song for Zuo Xiaowei called "What is Happiness".

I was so immersed in this creative atmosphere that when I came back to my senses, it was already 09:30 in the morning, and Zuo Xiaowei usually ends rehearsals around ten o'clock.

The three dishes I promised her were not cooked yet, so I quickly got dressed, then held an umbrella and walked into this still humid city, looking for the nearest supermarket nearby.

(End of this chapter)