i'm not a bad man

Chapter 363 Don’t want her to go alone
If it hadn't been for returning to Tianjin, I wouldn't have had the chance to awaken those memories that had faded away long ago. These memories seemed to have turned me into a different person. All I could think of was the scene of living with my parents, including them. The pampering, expectations, and shaping of me... Now when I recall those details, I feel more warmth and guilt in my heart, because I only accepted their doting on me, but I did not accept their shaping of me at all. , if my life is a speeding train, they hope to go north, but I go in the opposite direction and choose the more comfortable south... I don’t know if this is an act of asking for trouble, but these things that come out During the year, I did live on the edge of happiness and pain. While I gained some experiences, I also lost a lot.

Thinking of these, my heart was full of depression, so I subconsciously lit a cigarette, stopped, and kept looking at the clock tower in the distance, falling into a state of trance.

"Han Chao, have you ever thought about what kind of life you would be living now if your family had not suffered such a tragedy?"

I then turned to look at Zhao Yingrou next to me. In such a night full of thoughts, she seemed to have become a roundworm in my stomach. Whenever I was thinking about a certain problem in my mind, she would also bring it up. Asking this question made me think more deeply, and ultimately I aimed to get a definite answer.

Although I don’t really like to make meaningless assumptions, in such a scenario, facing a woman who once almost integrated into my family, I still made such an assumption. I feel that life has multiple dimensions. Maybe in another dimension, my family is still happy, and I still live a completely different life than now, and this kind of life is conceivable, because the alternation of the two lives is only a thin line.If those workers had sufficient safety awareness at that time, and if my father had not been lost in ambition and pursued the progress of the project too much, the safety accident that changed the fate of several families could have been completely avoided...

After taking a deep drag on the cigarette, I finally said to Zhao Yingrou: "If there hadn't been that safety accident, I wouldn't have dropped out of college because I wasn't interested in studying..."

"Regarding the matter of dropping out of college, I really feel sorry for you. For people like us, if we want to achieve a class leap, 985 colleges are the only springboard... but you gave up so easily."

"No...I didn't give up easily...I also tried hard, but at that time, I seemed to be living in an emotional trap. I felt that everyone around me was isolated because of the ruin of my family. I...In fact, I did encounter isolation. Just like you said, many people would misunderstand that I have a sense of superiority. They couldn't understand my sense of superiority. Suddenly one day, they knew that I had lost what I once had. They started to laugh at me. In fact, I had no principled conflict with them, but they seemed to find an outlet to release their emotions and attacked me crazily... Now that I think about it, this kind of attack is quite funny. Yes, I could have laughed it off, but at that time, I was lost in this emotional trap, depressed, and finally made the decision to drop out of school... and this also became the trigger for me to run away from home. One, because after this incident, my parents were extremely disappointed with me, which aggravated family conflicts and made the already fragile family relationship even more vulnerable... I feel that it is not my fault, because the family is not broken. My responsibility, I am the victim, how can they accuse me, a victim?... The scary thing is that this kind of emotion actually made me make more mistakes, and finally gave up not only my studies, but also my family. and the responsibilities my family has given me..."

"At that time, when you encountered any emotion, would it be infinitely amplified, and then you would compete with yourself?"

"Yes... at that time, I felt that there was no kind person around me, and all I saw were sinful and barbaric faces." After saying that, I focused my eyes on Zhao Yingrou, and then I felt that The relieved emotions started boiling in my mind again.

"Those sinful and brutal faces include me, right?... Because I was the first person to leave you after your family was ruined."

"Yes, I feel that to you, I am just a cash machine and an enemy. You have never been determined to share the joys and sorrows with me."

Zhao Yingrou fell into silence, and in her silence, I suddenly realized that I seemed to have fallen into the same emotional trap again, and hate is really a terrible thing, and it has awakened invisibly. The emotions of the past seven years... "I'm sorry, I didn't know that my decision back then would cause you so much harm... It was me who made you pessimistic and suspicious. Otherwise, you wouldn't be in those days." He became so vulnerable to the malicious and slanderous words."

"I don't blame you, it's because my ability to withstand stress is too poor... Before this, I lived without a sense of crisis, so I didn't have many opportunities to see the dark side of human nature."

Zhao Yingrou fell into silence again, and it was not until the cigarette in my hand was almost burned out that she spoke to me: "If your family had not been ruined, you would not have dropped out of school. As a top student who graduated from the 985 University, your family is well off, and you And versatile... Your future will definitely be dazzling... At least, it won't be like this now... So, you know, I never think that you will take the initiative to like a woman, because you can only be the one who is liked. one……"

"Life is not only about love, why are you talking about this?"

"I don't want to talk to you about this, I just want to tell you that I must meet the woman who you will take the initiative to like. I am full of curiosity about her... If you are willing, you can also talk to me now Let’s talk about her and save me from imagining things.”

My mood became complicated instantly. In fact, I was very willing to talk about Luxi with Zhao Yingrou. After all, we have emotional resonance. We have experienced a lot together and can advance and retreat together. This is something Zhao Yingrou has never done, and also It was a response to her behavior of leaving me back then, but when I think of Lu Xi, I will think of the man who suddenly came back, and I became unconfident because of it. I always felt that he had a more important role in Lu Xi's heart. Status... I don’t want to be trapped in that kind of wishful thinking and torture myself... It seems that since I chose to run away from home, there is a gene in my body that seeks advantages and avoids disadvantages, so as long as I realize that it is against me I will instinctively choose to avoid talking about things that are emotionally unfavorable.

Suddenly, I thought of Qiao Jiao again. If Lu Xi and I have been together in advance and retreat, then Qiao Jiao is the one who has really shared the joys and sorrows with me. There seems to be more to talk about Qiao Jiao and me. We traveled all the way from Qingdao to a small town. She gave up her identity as a rich girl and was willing to stay dormant in a small town with me, open an inn, learn how to make pastries, and was even willing to serve as the lowest-level service staff when the hotel was busy...

I don't know how to position my relationship with Qiao Jiao, but regarding my career, she has left the most profound mark in my life.

I suddenly wanted to see Qiao Jiao because I didn't want her to go alone.

(End of this chapter)