I will not die!

I don't feel disgust or love for what happened to me. Living for the sake of living is just a means. As for the purpose, I don't intend to seek it, because living and waiting is all I have.

Waiting for the new future to come, waiting for the old past to die.

Maybe in the end, the gods will finally come to the earth and bring new possibilities to the world.

Even then, I will continue to wait.

After about two years of idleness, I finally found a job again. It was a garbage job sorting goods. It was tedious, physically demanding, repetitive, and there was no freedom or leisure. But it was no problem to support myself for the time being.

A few years later, when I went home one day, Xiashu didn't wait for me at the door, but lay on the sofa like a snail, just like when he usually slept, but that time he never woke up again. I stroked his hair gently, but there was no warmth in my palm.

So far, my palm is empty.

……

Time, like a torrent of water, submerges everything, leaving no chance for people to struggle and survive.

My life has been smooth, stable and peaceful. I have not experienced any big storms, I have not been rich enough to squander, nor have I been poor enough to sleep on the streets, I have not experienced any major blows, nor have any tragic accidents happened, I have not worked hard for my dreams, I have not struggled hard to get out of trouble, although there are occasional accidents, but the number is not large, and they are also things that ordinary people will experience, not enough to be overly emotional. It is better to say that it is because of these accidents that my life is more ordinary, otherwise it would be a bit too lucky. I don't feel any dissatisfaction with such a life.

Lying on the hospital bed, I thought so.

Now, my face is full of wrinkles, my hair and beard are white, and many things in the past can no longer be remembered. My insignificant life is finally about to usher in an insignificant demise.

I lay on the hospital bed, looking out the window at the falling snow. I don’t know how many winters I have experienced, but if nothing unexpected happens, this will probably be the last one. I know that I don’t have much time left, and I have signed all the documents related to my funeral.

Now, I am about to wait until the end.

The nurse patted my hand gently and asked about my physical condition, just like a close family member. Of course, we have only known each other for a few months. I smiled and replied that everything is fine.

“Do you like snow very much? Your mood seems to be much better after the snow.” The nurse asked.

“I don’t like it. But it’s better than the rain.” I still looked out the window.

"Do you hate rain?"

"Because it's too noisy."

"Well... I don't like rain either, because it's too troublesome to hold an umbrella. Unless someone holds an umbrella with me~"

I didn't continue the conversation. For some reason, I suddenly felt that the scene in front of me was somewhat familiar. In the past, it seemed that someone had gently stroked my hand like this and said something to me.

I didn't particularly want to recall thatThe faces of people and the scenes at that time, but those past events kept appearing in front of my eyes. It should have been a very long memory, so long that I almost forgot its existence, but at this moment it is clearer and more vivid than any of my memories.

At that time, I also sat on the hospital bed like this, boredly looking at the scenery outside the window, while my mother sat on the edge of the bed, gently stroking my hand, as if coaxing a child to sleep. She stroked and said something, but at that time my ears had problems and I couldn't hear or understand what she was saying. However, when those scenes reappeared in front of me again, I found that I could suddenly hear and understand.

A great fear gripped my heart. I began to hear my heartbeat clearly, and I tried to control myself from thinking about it, but the more I did so, the more those memories drilled into my mind! I seemed to hear their disdainful ridicule, and the contempt that was difficult to conceal made me feel like I was falling into an ice cellar.

Can't listen! Even though I told myself so, the voices still came out of my head. I can't think! But the meaning conveyed by those voices was still automatically analyzed and understood in my mind.

I suddenly hated myself for having a brain.

"Originally, your father and I spent a lot of money to treat your ear, but the money was spent and the disease didn't get better. Now, with this knife, your father and I have spent all the money we have worked hard to save in the past few years. Doesn't it hurt when the knife cuts? You stab yourself. Alas, what have we been busy for so long? We didn't get anything! It's all in vain!"

"Your brother passed away early. We hope that you can have a promising future and relax in the future, so we are a little strict with you, but isn't that for your own good? Isn't that for your future to have no worries about food and clothing? Not to mention the future, just now, you don't have to worry about food and clothing, and even a mobile phone is given to you. What are you dissatisfied with? Tell me, what are you dissatisfied with? Where did we let you down! Tell me!"

"Do you know that those people around you How do they look at us? How do they talk about us and me behind our backs? You can't hear it. Just lie down on the bed, don't think about anything, don't ask anything, don't care about anything! That's great. I might as well become deaf. But who will make money if I become deaf? Who will support the family? Just rely on your father alone? Rely on shit! If we relied on him alone, we would have starved to death! Why do I tell you to study hard? It's to tell you not to be useless like him in the future! "

"I have prayed so many times, why is it still useless? What's wrong with me being pious... If even God wants to give up on me, what else can I do..."

"You want to die, do you want to die as much as I do? Ah? Do you want to die as much as I do? Do you want to die as much as I do!" She suddenly slapped me, I turned my head to look at her, and then looked away."If you want to die so much, then I will die with you, okay?Okay, I'll die with you, huh?"

Her hand suddenly rested on my shoulder, but I didn't look at her or react, until her hand slowly moved closer to my neck, then, little by little, held it, little by little, with force...

When I finally understood what was happening, I was already firmly pinned down by her.

Compared to my mother, my body was undoubtedly too thin, and there was nothing I could do about it. After all, she had been doing all kinds of odd jobs all year round, and I had hardly taken any physical education classes, and now I was injured and had just undergone surgery. Compared with her, I had no power to resist.

My tears and snot began to flow out uncontrollably, all over my face, and some of them were mixed with hers. Yes, she was crying, and she was crying hard, more heartbreaking than any time I had ever seen her cry. My hands were doubled. My feet also began to move on their own. They got rid of the control of my brain and had their own thoughts. They struggled hard. They wanted to save my life, more than I wanted to save my own life.

But, is my life worth saving...

After thinking this, they suddenly stopped moving. I don’t know whether they gave up on their own or I asked them to give up, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Because I’m going to die. As long as I die, everything will be over. Everything is over.

Suddenly, the door handle turned.

“It’s over~”

Her face was almost touching mine, and our noses seemed to touch each other. I could clearly feel her breathing and the warm touch of her lips.

She glanced at the drip next to her with her peripheral vision, stood up and replied: “There are still some.”

“Well, you just…”

“Oh, I wanted to see if his fever had subsided, so I measured it with his forehead.”

“Has it subsided?” ”

“Retracted.”

“Oh, well, I’ll come back to remove the needle later.”

“Well, thank you, sorry for the trouble.”

After the nurse left, she hurriedly took some paper and began to destroy the evidence. She wiped her face with one hand and mine with the other. Her expression was as calm as water, as if nothing had happened just now. When she was almost done, she left without saying a word.

As her footsteps faded away, my heartbeat became louder.

It was so noisy that I couldn’t hear anything.

Am I still alive? I should be. After all, my heart is still beating.

But , I seem to be unable to hear.

Dongdongdongdong...

Dongdongdong...

Dongdong...

Dong...

Am I dying? Just like my brother? He disappeared suddenly, without a trace, and could not be found anywhere. Will I also suddenly disappear and hide, and no one can find me?

But, will anyone come to find me? No. There will be no one. I will die alone, and then disappear alone, completely disappear, and no one can find me,Just like I can't find other people who are hiding.

No, no, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone anymore! I don't like being alone, I'm tired of being alone! Why do I want to die, I don't want to die, whoever comes to save me, anyone is fine...

God, God, that God is fine, if you really exist, please save me, I don't want to die, I don't want to be alone, I won't say you don't exist anymore, I won't disrespect you anymore, I will pray devoutly, I swear... So, please don't hide me...

Suddenly, I realized that my heartbeat seemed to have stopped.

Has it stopped?

Can't doubt! Once you doubt, you really can't hear the beating of your heart! What should I do if I really can't hear it!

Is it because I didn't listen, because I killed my brother, because I was disrespectful to God, I can change everything, I can change everything! Just tell me how to change, how to be obedient, how to make amends, how to be respectful, tell me, why don't you tell me, what exactly did I do wrong, why do you keep me alone... Why do you only come to my side when I am about to die... So I can only die...

But... I really can't hear anything.

Could it be that I am already dead?

I can't hear my heartbeat.

There is no one around.

I can't hear my heartbeat!

Anyone is fine, who can come to find me!

I can't hear my heartbeat...

Anyone can...

...

So, am I still abandoned?

A long time has passed, and there is still no one.

I have been hidden, and no one can find me anymore.

No one.

All the sounds in the world have left me, and everyone has hidden.

I am here, who can find me, who can find me...

Everything is about to disappear, even colors are not immune, the world is fading its figure bit by bit, and I am hidden. But at this moment, I suddenly realized that there is another existence beside me, quietly watching me. Yes, only it will be willing to abandon all prejudices and take the initiative to find me at this most desperate moment.

Loneliness, only loneliness is willing to accompany me, and will never leave me. Why are some people afraid of loneliness, it is obviously the most gentle existence in the world. No matter how secretly I am hidden, it can find me accurately. If companionship is the longest confession, then it has confessed to me countless times, and no matter whether I refuse or not, hate it or not, it will not complain, will not be discouraged, and will only continue to accompany me blindly, without arrogance or impatience. Maybe it is a little willful, but those guys who left me without authorization, which one of them is not willful enough.

It doesn’t matter if my heart stops beating, it doesn’t matter if I’m hidden, it doesn’t matter if no one can find me. BecauseWith your presence, I am not afraid of anything now.

Thank you for finding me...

Thank you...

...

"Mr. Guangyuan? What's wrong? Are you feeling uncomfortable?" The nurse called me softly.

"Am I dead?"

The nurse laughed and said, "Not yet."

I felt as if someone was strangling my throat, and asked with a sob, "When will I die?"

"It's still early, you still have to live for a long, long time."

"Long, long..." I murmured and repeated, and I felt that time had passed for a long, long time, so long that I couldn't see the end at all, and the direction leading to the end was full of despair.

I got rid of her hand holding me and turned my head to look out the window, but my tears blurred my vision, so that I could only see a hazy scene, and I couldn't tell whether it was me or the world crying.

But I don't need to be found anymore.

I want to hide, hide in a place where even loneliness can't find me.

But where is such a place in this world? Perhaps only God knows...

As I thought about this, the scenery outside the window was gradually covered by a pure white light. Behind this light, I seemed to really see God, and saw that He brought true love and hope to this beautiful world. Seeing this, I couldn't help but close my eyes and pray devoutly in my heart, if I am still qualified to accept your grace...

"God, please..."