I will not die!

While sorting out Rewi Alley's belongings, I accidentally found her diary. She was supposed to show it to me, but I don't know if she forgot or didn't find the right time, so she kept putting it off until now. She was supposed to show it to me, so it shouldn't be a big deal if I open it now. After thinking about it, I immediately opened the first page of the diary.

There was no text on the first page, only a selfie of her leaning against me when I was asleep. I never take photos, and I don't have the habit of taking photos. In my impression, although she took photos, she mostly took photos of trees or scenery, and rarely took photos of herself or others. I don't know when she took this photo, and she even secretly printed it out.

Turn to the next page, it's a real diary.

From the time of the diary, she seems to have started writing a diary very early, but it was intermittent before, usually after several days, sometimes even a month. It was not until she proposed to write a diary together that her diary began to become one every day.

I know most of the contents in the diary, after all, we experienced it together, and I also wrote it myself, and showed it to her in the middle. But as she said, her diary is much more comprehensive than mine, and she wrote down many trivial things that seem insignificant to me, and some things she did but I don’t know about.

For example, on June 11, I only remembered that I slept for a long time that day, and watched a whole anime after getting up. But she also recorded how long I slept in total, and also remembered that she wanted to put Xiashu next to me when I wasn’t paying attention as a surprise, but she couldn’t catch Xiashu.

"I don't know what's wrong with Xiashu. Every time I'm about to catch him, he runs away immediately. And this time, even the cat strips didn't work. It's so annoying! Forget about the cat strips for the next week!"

June 12

Maybe he slept too long yesterday. Guangyuan only slept for 3 hours today. When I fell asleep, he was watching cartoons. When I woke up, he was still watching. His posture didn't change. If his eyelids weren't still moving, I really thought he was petrified.

I don't know if I can get rid of the petrification by kissing him. (I quickly scanned the rest of the content that was almost the same as I remembered)

June 13

I really think it was a wise idea to learn massage online with Guangyuan before. Today, we massaged each other again and felt much better. I'll secretly learn some other things. I don't know if I can give him a little surprise next time~

June 15

I can actually make an edible cake! Suddenly it feels so simple! But why did I always fail to do such a simple thing before? No, maybe it's not my problem. It's normal to fail a few times at the beginning when you have never cooked before. The abnormal one is Guangyuan. He succeeded the first time. This is abnormal!

Is he a genius?

……

July 6

Guangyuan's appearance really makes it difficult for me to know his physical conditionIs it good or not? His cognition is different from that of ordinary people. He will automatically make a big deal out of a small matter. But he looks quite normal, and the doctor also said it is normal.

I hope I am not overthinking.

July 7

I don’t know what’s wrong with him when he got down from the tree today. He scratched things whenever he had the chance. He didn’t listen even after I yelled several times! His skin is very thick. If I hit him lightly, it wouldn’t hurt. If I hit him hard, I’m afraid he would get hurt. He kept yelling in a small dark room. Ah, it’s so annoying!

Now even a cat is so difficult to deal with. If I raise a child in the future (the following content is blacked out and I can’t see it clearly)...

July 16

I also had insomnia today, but it was because I watched an animation with a strong aftertaste, and I kept thinking about the plot in it. Guangyuan watched it with me, but he didn’t seem to feel anything about these touching and cruel things. I asked him before if he had any stories that moved him to tears, and he said no.

I really want to see him being moved to tears by a certain work.

But if even he is moved by a work, will I be unable to sleep for several days after watching it?

July 17

Today, the weather is fine, the birds are singing, and the flowers are fragrant. It is a good time for kissing.

But, you are an idiot! (The word idiot is written in a very big way)

……

August 3

Having barbecue, ice cream, and watching movies with Guangyuan, today is a very fulfilling day.

The only regret is that he didn't smile from beginning to end.

It seems that I haven't seen him smile for a long time.

August 7

An ordinary and normal day, everything is the same as usual, and everything seems to be moving in a good direction.

I hope such days can continue.

August 12

He does seem to be getting better recently, but we still can't let our guard down. We'll go hiking with Guangyuan tomorrow. I hope he'll like the scenery on the mountain. Then we'll enjoy the scenery while eating, and finally...

We hugged each other.

...

The diary was gone until the day we went hiking. However, there were other things written on the last page of the diary.

T (Aili's best friend) asked me why I fell in love with someone like Guangyuan, who was like a robot. To be honest, I don't know. I just fell in love with him unconsciously.

Maybe it's because he always looks calm.

"That's just because he hasn't encountered anything surprising."

Or maybe it's because his room is clean even if it hasn't been cleaned for a long time.

"It's just because I don't want to clean it, so I'm careful not to get it dirty."

I take a shower every day.

“Isn’t this what I should do?”

Never owe favors to others.

“I don’t want to be bothered by trivial matters.”

Always consider other people’s feelings in everything.

“Because I don’t want to cause trouble to others…I say this, but I don’t return it.Did it cause trouble, or did it cause trouble to the people closest to me…”

Gentle to everyone.

“No.”

Always do what he says.

“Because I only say what I can do.”

Never get angry.

“Because I haven’t encountered anything worth getting angry about.”

Treat people sincerely.

“It should be.”

Like to drink milk.

“What kind of reason is that?”

Always accept my requests.

“There’s nothing to refuse, they’re just trivial things. ”

Although they are all small things, it may be these small things that make me like it...

I like the feeling of being with Guangyuan.

The following are some parts that were blacked out and rewritten, but she didn't black out the parts carefully, and you can still barely make out what she wrote.

I want to be with Guangyuan forever. (Blackened)

I want to be with Guangyuan forever and ever!

……

Looking at the ink marks, these words should have been written by her a long time ago. In addition, she blacked out the last sentence, so it can be inferred that it was at least before we got married and rewritten after blackening. If it is after marriage, then it should be after marriage.

I put down the diary and went to find Ai Li's mobile phone. Sometimes she would write some of her diary on sticky notes when she was lazy. I wanted to find it and take a look. The passwords of our mobile phones are each other's birthdays, because this is the easiest way to remember a specific date.

While I was sitting on the sofa and searching, Xia Shu suddenly came over and jumped on my legs. I was a little surprised. In the past, whether it was me or Ai Li, as long as we wanted to touch it, it would run away immediately, and when you didn't want to touch it, it would hover around you, and it rarely came up to you so actively. I tentatively touched it twice. It didn't resist, but squatted directly on my thighs, and then stared out the window blankly. I also looked, and there was nothing there.

While reading Ai Li's diary on her phone, I stroked Xia Shu's soft hair. I finished reading it in a short while. It was all trivial things. Just when I wanted to get up, I found that Xia Shu had curled up and fallen asleep on my legs.

I couldn't move.

So, I opened Ai Li's phone again to see if there was anything else in it. However, her phone was as simple as mine. It basically only had a bunch of built-in software and After a quick look, I finally found some little secrets she had hidden in the album.

Her album was divided into several groups according to the type of photos, and in one of the groups, all of them were my photos. Most of those photos were taken at home, from all angles, doing all kinds of things. As for when they were taken, the answer is self-evident. So, every time she took a photo of a cat, she was not just taking a photo of the cat, but also taking a photo of me...

I still remember when I was asked to choose a photo to be the posthumous photo of Rewi Alley, I couldn't even take out a suitable photo because I had no photos of her on my phone.All the photos were group photos, and they were all taken at her request. In the end, I had to use my ID photo to temporarily change it. If it was me who died, Rewi Alley would not have such troubles.

After Rewi Alley left, my life did not return to the way it was before she broke into my life. First of all, at home, Xiashu has changed a lot. Every time I come home, it will continue to stand at the door for a while. I know it is waiting for Rewi Alley to come back, but it can only understand this slowly.

In the past, Xiashu always ran away as soon as he met my eyes, and he was timid when he ran. He didn't look like a cat, but a big mouse. But now, as long as I am at home, it will come to me, whether it is eating, sleeping, taking a bath, going to the toilet, or even if I disappear for more than a minute, it will start to howl miserably, and it is still a regular round of howling. People who don't know may think I am abusing it. But it won't keep howling. Basically, it will stop after about half a minute, otherwise its voice may be hoarse when I go to work.

Then, at the company, my colleagues naturally learned about Rei's death. Several colleagues who were close to her wanted to see her for the last time, but they found out that her body had been cremated, so they took out all their anger on me. This was indeed my inconsiderateness. I just wanted everything to end quickly, but I forgot that although I was closest to her, I was never the only one around Rei.

I had no choice but to keep apologizing.

Fortunately, perhaps the people around Rei seemed to have been infected with some of her gentleness, or perhaps they knew that I was such a hopeless rotten person, and finally forgave me. However, forgiveness does not mean that nothing happened. If I used to be transparent in the company, then now, I am passively transparent.

Although I don't mind.

Except for these small changes, everything else is no different from before.

Go to work,

Get off work.

Eat,

Sleep.

The same old thing,

Day after day...

Only on the two days of my and her birthdays, I would indulge myself a little. Buy myself an expensive cake.

I don't know when it started, but Yakumo's chat software has never been online again, and I was finally fired by the company because of my age. I moved back to the small house of only a dozen square meters, and tried to find a job again, but failed for several consecutive months. Whether it was my original game-related job or some other unrelated jobs, those who didn't want experience often thought I was too old, and those who wanted experience thought I had no experience. If it was Yakumo, there would be no such problem, after all, he had done many different jobs. But fortunately, I didn't spend much money in the past, and I also had unemployment benefits, so I could hold on for a while.

In the past, I didn't spend much effort, and I easily lived a life that billions of people envied. Now, I have become one of those billions of people effortlessly, and everyGod has to worry about tomorrow.

I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I ran to the wild and lived a self-sufficient life every day. But I don't have the ability to survive in the wild, and even if I did, there is no place that can really be called the wild now. Originally, my hometown in the countryside had a few plots of land, but they were all borrowed from others by my parents to grow crops, and those lands have now been returned. Even if I return to my hometown, the situation will not change.

It's all because of eating.

Gluttony is one of the oldest sins of human beings, and hunger is one of the biggest defects of human beings, but it is precisely because of these defects and sins that people are human beings. However, even if there are no sins and defects, people are not human beings, so what? Some people are born with problems with their digestive system and can only live on nutrient solution for their entire lives, but they still live well.

Can't enjoy food? Can't secrete dopamine of happiness? Social interaction becomes thin? Classes gradually collapse? Alienation of human nature? So what? Isn't it enough to be alive?

I drank the last carton of milk in my hand, then flattened it and put it in a special trash can. Although half of this milk was bought as part of the main meal, if I can't find a job later, I will have to stop drinking for the time being. Being alive is enough.

Why am I alive?

Almost all the movies and TV shows I have seen tell the world that there is no need to ask why to live, as long as you are alive, it is enough. Yes, if everyone doesn't want to live, the human race will be extinct. In the final analysis, many people think about the meaning of life mainly because their desires are not satisfied, the desire for knowledge, the desire for fame and wealth, the desire for love, and the desire to make themselves happy. What am I not satisfied with, and why am I not happy?

It seems...

No...

Satisfied or not, happy or not, it seems that it doesn't matter to me at all. If I have to say what I want, it seems that I only don't want to suffer, but I really don't feel any pain now, whether mentally or physically, so now I am, just living is meaningful enough.

But, this kind of meaning is really boring.

Should I find some other meaning? But I can't think of anything that would make me feel interesting. Even if I did, I don't have the time, energy, or money.

It came down from the tree and suddenly came to my feet and meowed twice. I never knew what its meowing meant, and it never knew what I said, but we can live in peace. Why can't we live with people?

Obviously, we can understand each other better.

Because of the distribution of benefits? Because of different identities? Because of different desires? Because of the three views and habits, the beauty and ugliness of appearance, the group effect? ​​No matter why, it's just that people are born this way. If you want everyone to understand each other, you probably have to brainwash everyone in the world. Anyway, it's okay to live, it doesn't matter.

But I don't seem to want to be understood by others.

Probably, except for Rewi Alley...

Would she want to be understood? What about me?

Didn’t she take the initiative to let me understand...

Aili is undoubtedly an ordinary person, an ordinary person like me who has no special talents. She is one in billions of people who are insignificant to this world. It is hard to say that it is not a blessing for us to meet in this vast sea of ​​people and understand each other briefly. Can I, who is so lucky, really be called an ordinary person?

If I am not ordinary, should I continue to live just for the sake of living?

Living is a very ordinary thing, and also a very great thing. Whether it is ordinary or great depends on the meaning that everyone gives it, but these meanings are ultimately just people’s self-righteousness. Every arrogant person can say that he lives a great life, every humble person can say that he lives a small life, a smart person can say that he is both great and small, and a crazy person can say that he can be big or small as he wants. As for people like me who don’t care about anything, of course, nothing matters.

I will accept everything and go along with everything.