I will not die!

《White Earth and Black Sky》

I opened my eyes

The world was dark

Rustle... rustle...

On the empty white earth

I wandered alone, wandering

Until the darkness swallowed me

The silence buried me

I fell down

From then on, I lay on the ground and couldn't get up

The white sand quietly wiped out the last bit of my existence

" Are you still alive?"

Like the dawn that cuts through the darkness

Her voice was cold and sharp

Effortlessly cutting through

My rotten skin

and releasing my tiny and fragile soul

I raised my head

My eyes were full of light

...

The strong pain brought me back to reality, and what came into view was Ai Li's frightened face and the bright red on her face.

"How are you? Are you okay? Can you still hear me?"

I glanced around with my peripheral vision and immediately understood the situation, and hurriedly responded reluctantly.

"Um..."

Hearing my voice, Ai Li burst into tears instantly, and her tears fell on my face in large drops. The hot tears hurt my cheeks.

“I’m sorry… It’s all my fault. I knew you were not in good health, so I asked you to climb the mountain. If you want to climb, you should have waited until you were in good spirits…”

“I was careless. I’m sorry.”

From the last memory, I must have fallen down when I was going down the mountain, and then I probably hit my head, and I fainted for a short time. I saw blood flowing down Ai Li’s face, and I think he was hit.

Ah… What did I do…

“I’ve called, and the rescue will be here soon, just hold on!”

“I’m fine, but you, are you okay?” Although my head did hurt, I was still conscious, and I didn’t think my life would be in danger in the short term.

"I... I'm fine, don't worry." As soon as she finished speaking, a drop of blood flowed down her face at an inopportune time. She hurriedly added: "It was just a bump on the head, just like you, but I didn't faint, hehe..."

When she spoke, the muscles on her face twitched unconsciously, obviously in pain, but even if I knew this, what could I do? My whole body was still in pain and I couldn't even move. I couldn't even say a few decent words of comfort. Instead of this, I might as well stay fainted, but that would make Ai Li anxious...

"I'm sorry..." In the end, I still had to say this sentence so that I wouldn't blush and want to hit myself to death.

"It was just an accident, you don't have to apologize. Anyone can fall when walking, it's just that we were unlucky and fell in a place where we shouldn't fall."

Yes, I fell in a place where I shouldn't fall, so this is not an accident at all, but a necessity. As long as I am like this, even if I don't fall today,Sooner or later, I will fall, maybe on the stairs, maybe on the road, maybe even worse than today, without even a chance to wake up. And as long as Ai Li stays with me, sooner or later, she will be implicated by me.

This will never change.

"I'm glad you're okay, I'm glad you're okay..."

Then, she said, "Can you still stand up? This place is a bit remote, I'm afraid they can't find us, let's go to the main road."

"Okay."

She squatted down and took one of my arms. I stood up with one hand on the ground, and moved my body little by little with her help. This kind of movement is the limit of what I can do. I really have no strength now, and the heaviness of my body has never disappeared. But fortunately, we are not far from the main road, less than 50 meters in a straight line, but the surrounding vegetation is dense, and it is really difficult to be found inside.

Finally we came to the road and sat down exhausted. We didn't know when the rain had already fallen on our heads. The raindrops falling from the gaps in the leaves wet our clothes and hair, driving away our body temperature. A few birds flapped their wings and flew away from our heads. Large pieces of water fell on our heads. Ai Li was afraid that I would slip away in front of her eyes, so she suddenly hugged me tightly in her arms. Our bodies were closely connected, as if we were one. I could smell the very distinct smell of blood and the fragrance of her shampoo. Along with the smell, the warmth from her body entered my body, even through the clothes and rain.

Warm as the winter sun.

I also wanted to hug her, but my brain couldn't stop thinking, thinking about why I hugged her, thinking about what would happen if I hugged her, thinking about whether I was qualified to hug her, and then, my hands hugged her without my brain's consent.

The moment I hugged her, she hugged me tighter. I don't know why I did this, I just did it subconsciously, maybe because I don't want to be hurt by tears again. Anyway...

I don't regret it.

We hugged each other tightly and didn't separate for a long time.

Because I was too tired and my whole body was in pain, I felt sleepy as soon as I lay in Ai Li's arms. I couldn't let her worry, I had to cheer up. To do this, I needed to do something to distract myself, but now it was a problem for me to even move, what else could I do?

"Why would you be willing to be with someone like me?" Although it felt like it was not the right time, I still asked this question that had been bothering me for a long time in order to distract myself.

"Because, when I'm with you, I feel very free." Her answer was very subtle, almost just enough for me to hear.

"Freedom..." I thought about the meaning of this word.

"It's not the kind of freedom that I can do whatever I want, but the kind that I don't do what I don't want to do. Only when I'm with you, I feel free.I only felt this way when I was half asleep. It was as if the world belonged to us only. Just like..."

"It's like this now."

Her voice gradually became lower, so low that I could hardly hear it, and I didn't continue to speak. The sleepiness finally made my eyelids droop, and then never rose again.

In my half-awake state, it seemed that something was quietly revived in my heart.

It felt like a flower seed.

...

I returned home. At home, Xia Shu was dozing off. When he saw me coming back, he looked at me and went back to sleep. I was looking for another figure, Ai Li. Just as I was thinking, she had appeared in front of me.

"Are you tired?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Then take a rest."

"Okay. ”

I sat on the sofa, and she sat down beside me. We leaned against each other, looked at each other again, and then went back to sleep.

"Do you want me to be a knee pillow for you?"

"No. This is fine."

"What a pity, don't regret it."

"No."

"I know you never regret it."

"Yeah." Because once you start, you may not be able to stop.

"This is a good habit, and you should keep it in the future."

"..."

"But sometimes, even if you regret it for a while, it's... Oh, forget it, it's nothing. ”

She squeezed towards me again. I didn’t move, but felt a little sleepy. Maybe it was because the weather was good today. Gradually, I closed my eyes.

“Guangyuan, I always asked you to do various things before. Is there anything you didn’t do?”

“It seems not.” I answered with my eyes closed.

“Then, can I ask you to do one more thing?”

“What is it?”

She put her face close to my ear and whispered: “Remember to celebrate your birthday. "

I suddenly opened my eyes, wanting to see what she looked like at the moment, but when I opened my eyes, I saw an unfamiliar ceiling.

In a trance, I seemed to hear people talking around me. I tried to move my body, and I felt slight pain all over my body. I began to look around. Several people dressed as nurses were talking to patients in other beds. It seemed that I was in a ward in the hospital. However, I couldn't see Ai Li anywhere.

One of the nurses in the ward noticed that I was awake, and she immediately came to me and asked about my physical condition.

"Ah, you are awake, how do you feel, is there any pain?"

"Where is she?"

"Who?"

"Ai Li."

"Who is Ai Li?"

"My wife. ”

The nurse looked at the screen in her hand and asked me: "Let me confirm again, you are Mr. Yu Guangyuan, right?"

"Yes."

Why did they confirm my name first? The nurse's abnormal behavior made me feel a little uneasy, and then she suddenly put on a very embarrassed expression, which made my anxiety reach the peak.

"That..."

"What happened to her?"

"We couldn't save her, I'm sorry..."

When I asked the question, I had already made the worst plan in my heart. This is my habit, which allows me to calmly accept various emergencies. I am confident that even if I was told that day that I had a terminal illness, or that I was actually the illegitimate child of a rich man, and that the world was actually a brain in a jar, I would never be overly surprised. And this time...

Naturally, it was the same.

Rather than being surprised, it's better to say that I was too calm after hearing the news. Just like when I suddenly learned that my parents had passed away in the past, let alone being heartbroken, I couldn't even express a single bit of excessive emotion. Just as I had expected, it was scary calm. The nurse was so calm that she thought I didn't hear clearly. I was so calm that I doubted whether I was still in this space. I was so calm that even if the world was destroyed, I would not be disturbed at all. I was so calm...

I didn't know what to do.

Under the nurse's surprised eyes, I asked her about Rewi's situation, and then she took the report and read it to me verbatim. Rewi and I both hit our heads, but I hit the tree, and she hit the stone, and it was very unfortunate that she hit the protruding part of the stone. When the rescue arrived, we both lost consciousness, but my condition was relatively stable. However, due to the long journey, Rewi was already dying when she arrived at the hospital, and she could not be rescued in the end.

Afterwards, I refused the nurse's help and came to Rewi's body alone to see her for the last time. They seemed to have tidied her remains. She looked no different from when she was alive, but her skin was a little whiter, probably due to excessive blood loss.

My sight lingered on her eyelids for a long time. Those eyes that I dared not look directly at were no longer visible. I reached out to touch her hand. The cold touch made me subconsciously retract my hand, but I held it again the next second. Those hands that once brought me warmth would never hold me again.

This is death. I thought so. And my mind kept flashing back to the scene after my parents left. Her body would also be like her parents' bodies, slowly rotting and becoming ugly, emitting an unpleasant smell, and finally turning into a pile of white ash. There would be no difference.

Even if she was so beautiful, so warm, and so lovely...

Ally, the Ally who accompanied me for so long, the Ally who married me, the Ally who worked, ate, and slept with me, the Ally who watched animations, played games, and went shopping with me, the Ally who always cared about my feelings, the Ally who always ordered me around, the Ally who often smiled at me, the Ally who brought me warmth, the Ally whoLi she...

She's dead.

She's definitely dead.

She was definitely killed by me.

If it wasn't me, we wouldn't have gone hiking together. If I hadn't fallen, she wouldn't have fallen with me and hit her head. But knowing this, I didn't feel any remorse at the moment. It was just like when my parents died, as if the person who died was someone who had nothing to do with me. There was no difference at all.

How ruthless...

In my body, it seemed that something crazy was stirring, but I was very tired now, enough to smooth out all the fluctuations in my body. No matter how much it wanted to make trouble, it couldn't stir up any waves.

Although I didn't care.

For a moment, I felt that most of the weight of my body had suddenly been lost. My body was as light as a feather, and a little breeze could make me float. This feeling of lightness as if I was relieved of a heavy burden disgusted me, but I couldn't blame myself for it. I had expected this day, but I didn't expect it to come so quickly and so urgently. It would have been almost the same if she had been hit by a car right after leaving the house.

Who can stop it?

The world is unpredictable.

After that, they asked me to sign the consent form for cremation of the deceased and a bunch of documents, which also included Ai Li's death statement and related certification information, proving that the doctors had done their best to rescue her and there was no improper operation in the middle, but I was too lazy to stay on those long characters for even a moment. They hurt my eyes. I was only looking at the same few pieces of information from beginning to end, Ai Li's name, photo, date of birth.

Birthday...

Speaking of which, although I remembered her birthday last time, we worked overtime until very late that day, so we didn't celebrate it on the same day. In the end, we celebrated it again during the holiday. Although she said she didn't mind a few days earlier or later, after all, my birthday was also a month late before, but I still want to try to celebrate her birthday next time.

I can't get through it now.

……

After dealing with everything related to Rewi Alley, I finally returned to our home again. When I opened the door, Xiashu was already squatting in front of the door. This has always been its habit. If it sees Rewi Alley first, it will go in with us. If it sees me, it will go in before me. But this time, it didn't.

It didn't see Rewi Alley.

I ignored it and went straight into the living room, then lay down on the sofa. After standing at the door for about five or six minutes, Xiashu still didn't wait for Rewi Alley, so he came to me again, looking at me eagerly, and I looked at him. He meowed at me, as if asking where she went.

"She's dead." I replied.

Of course, it didn't understand. After waiting for a long time in vain, Xiashu finally jumped onto the sofa and went to sleep. The room returned to silence, so quiet that I seemed to hear my heartbeat again.

I looked at the empty living room again and vomited like a toad.Take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and nothing exists.

I finally...

I am alone again.