The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

Translator: StarveCleric  Editor: StarveCleric

Explode a public bath? Steal the clothes in a shop’s changing room? Or summon a corrosive acidic rain? Or directly splash dirty water on passerby?

I won’t do any of those stated above. Not mentioning that these are all against the law, they go against my principle of trying my best not to involve the innocent. Un, only trying my best…

I have a much better idea! And it is completely legal!

After all, there are quite a bit of perverts in this town and I don’t have a reason to commit the crime personally…

Sulfur Mountain Wild Druid Alliance Branch, simplified as Wild Bull Alliance, is a moderate Druid organization. Un, just moderate in comparison. In many places, Druids are synonymous with terrorist organizations and a bunch of trouble.

TL: Un is the sound made with the tongue on the tip of your mouth normally used to express consent, agreement.

Why? In the eyes of the public, aren’t Druids friendly? The son of the jungle, coexisting harmoniously with nature, absence of desires and self-sufficient.

However, I must say that those who say these words are people who have yet to come into direct contact with Druids.

As most people know, Druids worship the nature. To simplify it, anything that is natural is good and anything that is man-made is bad.

The Druids who follow the original teachings detest everything that is man-made. They view metallic tools as the enemy of nature, needless to say engineers and product if modern industries. They even view cities as a cage made of metal and concrete. In their ideals, it is best culture comes to an end and everyone return to living like in primitive societies.

In the world I lived in previously, these kinds of organizations also exist. To protect nature, they kill poachers and destroy factories. In reality, that sets them no difference from terrorist organizations.

The Druids who are able to interact peacefully with other life can roughly be considered the moderate faction and the Wild Bull Alliance is the moderate faction within the moderate faction. Otherwise, Sulfur Mountain City wouldn’t allow for their existence here.

Alright, even in Eich continent, people still hope that their life gets better by the days rather than becoming more and more primitive. This kind of tribe and teaching isn’t suited for life in normal societies. Also, there isn’t a lack of normal people within Druids as well. There are always people who want to eat delicious food rather than furry blood-stained ones. Thus, their internal structures are always re-organizing and breaking apart.

‘We only oppose to excessive logging (Of course, we also reject mining. But, it is only a verbal rejection, we won’t stop it physically)’ and ‘We only oppose against the hunting of whales. (We also reject the hunting of dolphins and sea lions! We don’t protect crabs and as for sea horses, we still need to hold a meeting on Tuesday to discuss over it)’. This kind of moderate faction, in actuality, is only using these multiple stands in rejecting certain actions to retain their identity and teachings of Druids. In fact, they aren’t much different from normal people.

As the moderate faction within the moderate faction, the Wild Bull Alliance only rejects one man-made object and is known as the role model to the harmonious coexistence of the Druid and Human society.

But, it is a pity that the man-made object that they reject is too unique, resulting in their faction being unable to expand for a long time… Well, not everyone has the courage to remove that man-made object.

Alright, now that I have got to this point, everyone should be onto that man-made product that they object to.

Yes, they reject clothes…

Right, their teachings preach that the physical body is the most perfect creation of nature and clothes are a sin. Even more so, we, Druids, are the incarnation of nature and should not be, in the least, clothed, so that we can show our naturally perfect and wild physical body.

The ‘Sulfur Mountain Wild Druid Alliance Branch’ is initially named ‘Only Wild Body is Natural Beauty, Druids That Wear Clothes are Cultists and Heresy Alliance’. Such a ‘gentleman’-like man, it was impossible that I would allow it to be registered with Sulfur Mountain City. Thus, after several edits, it became the Wild Bull Alliance that I could reluctantly accept.

TL: In Chinese, gentleman can also be a slang word for pervert.

Even so, they are still an organization that everyone wants to beat up and their reputation is even worse than the Gentleman Alliance that I’m in. After all, not everyone can accept the sight of a bunch of nude men rushing past them when they are busy… Cough cough, it is plain disgusting just thinking of it. I knew that I should have chased them out.

But, in consideration of the diverse population living here, I didn’t write a law that dictates ‘soiling society’s culture’ as a crime from the start. After all, the lifestyle of each tribe and race is vastly different, thus it is easy for misunderstandings to arise. For example, Taurens have the habit to drink breast milk at any time which, in the view of other tribes, is obscene in public.

Also, according to the codex, perversion could only be seen as a problem in morals and the brain, using the law to deal with this seems a bit overboard. So, there was no reason for me to refuse them moving to the city.

Of course, I regretted my decision quickly. After successfully registering and moving in, there isn’t a single moment that they weren’t plotting to spread their teachings to the citizen to expand their influence. This caused a splitting headache for the enforcers and judiciary. To be more direct, they secretly organize group nude runs and waste my manpower.

Towards these entirely nude fellows, normal enforcers really can’t do anything against them. Start a fight directly? But the other party didn’t break the law and if we use words, it gives them a chance instead to spread their teachings.

“Ha, we are the most primitive beauty. Mother nature created us nude, so what is there to be ashamed about…”

Many different twisted logics were incorporated within and the main problem is that their argument wasn’t weak. Furthermore, their leader is a Legend-rank Great Druid who is difficult to deal with.

Fortunately, after the Dark Elf Town Security started taking on the role as enforcers, their arrogance took a blow.

“…You dare to show this tiny furry worm around. Furthermore, it isn’t shaved. You sure are courageous.”

“Wahhh, that fellow has such an ugly birthmark on his ass. His legs are also asymmetrical. Despite being naturally deformed, you still dare to run nude. You are really too brave, too shameless…”

“Inferior underground world, get away from me! You are too smelly. How long have you not bathed for? Barbarian!”

“Don’t cry, Momo actually sympathizes with you. Heehee, even though it is indeed quite small, not even half the length of Momo’s whip. Cough! Un, it’s not that small, hee, so please continue to try hard living on. Someone might like it! Un, there’s sure to be someone who likes it. Hahaha, Momo can’t control herself anymore!”

For a man, for him to be despised in this aspect is indeed quite unbearable. If the one despising is a pretty lady, that makes it double the pain.

Surrounded and criticized by a bunch of sturdy Dark Elf ladies who cone from a feminist clan, the Wild Bull Alliance who had their shattered almost disbanded on the spot. Even the powerful Legend Druid Eaglestorm almost tried to drown himself in the river…

After this incident, the Dark Elf Town Security became the weakness of the Wild Bull Alliance. Every activity that they organize is carefully planned to avoid areas where the Town Security could appear.

Back to present time, I am writing an extremely long and boring speech for Elisa to speak on my behalf in my law robe. Attendance is compulsory for all law enforcers (including the Town Security) so that they can learn from it. That speech… is so boring that I might fall asleep from it. Furthermore, it will take at least 3 hours to finish it and the most shameless of it all, I requested for them to jot down notes that will be submitted afterwards so that I can track the progress of their learning. If they aren’t serious, their wages would be deducted.

Fine, it is obviously a kind of torture… I have finally vented my frustration from being constantly vexed by my heavy workload. I am too evil, oh yeah!

Hehe, now, I only need that old bull Xueti to pass the message that the Town Security is busy to the Wild Bull Alliance. Naturally, they would then definitely organize a group activity. When the Town Security finally walks out giddy-headed from the hall, the activities of the Wild Bull Alliance would have long ended.

However, as I don’t really like the Wild Bull Alliance, so there are discrepancies in the notified timings and the actual timings. It is around 1 hour late. So, when they are finally retreating after ending activities, they would happen to get caught red-handed by the Town Security and take a heavy mental blow from them. Then, they would require 1 or 2 months of peace to recover for the wounds…

That being said, do you still think daily quests are easy? You still have to plan it out properly. But, it is finally the time to reap the rewards. Sit back and watch the show.

“Pu!”

“Pu!”

Sitting in a cafe that has an entire view of the large square, I ignore the naked men who just ran by as I glanced at the unlucky fellow who just spat out the coffee in his mouth. While happily flipping my newspaper, I enjoyed the havoc in front of me with my peripheral vision.

“The Black brothers have always resolutely supported Lord Annie.Layde as the core of the second generation… Looks like the boss of the Thief Guild of this generation is still quite smart. Then, I will let them go for now.”

“Pu!”

Alright, looks like I was happy too early. Elisa, who was opposite of me, spat out her coffee towards me, leaving my head dripping wet.

“Elisa, you did it intentionally!!”

“I’m sorry!! It really was an accident, master.” The half-demon maid hurriedly pulls out a handkerchief to wipe me dry but…

“Wait a minute!! Why are you here? Didn’t I ask you to conduct the speech for me? You…”

“I did intend to do the speech in your place then, but when the proposal for the speech reached the Hall of Legislator for approval, Sister Lilith said that since it was a lesson for the Hall of Prosecution internally, it is a little too much of the Supreme Judge does it personally. It is enough to leave it to the Head of Hall of Prosecution to do it himself.”

“Oh!” Hearing it, I calmed down. As long as I can keep the Town Security in reins, it is fine that I leave the task to Xueti. But suddenly, I sensed some hesitation in Elisa sitting opposite of me.

“Why? You feel embarrassed? Hehe, no matter how vicious your tongue normally is, you are still a woman after all. Scared by a bunch of guys nude running? Relax, I know you didn’t do it intentionally so if you’re embarrassed, you can head back first and wait for my great harvest today!”

I smiled gleefully but Elisa shakes her head with the word ‘pity’ all on it.

“…Master, the reason why I am acting unusually, please look behind you.”

“Behind?”

Turning around, it is indeed the scene of demons prancing around. The sharp-nosed Eaglestorm and Xueti were holding hands, jumping and singing at the same time as they surround 2 Holy Knights who were hugging each other, shivering.

Surrounded by a bunch of dancing naked men, I guess it is a first even for the Holy Knights.

Even worse, someone is beginning to strip them of their clothes so that they can join their tour…

“That is… Tim and Lucas? They are really pitiful, to meet with these perverts… I hope they don’t leave behind any mental scars, it is unlucky enough being a Leftover Knight.”

TL: Sheng -> means left behind (will keep it that way until I find a better word)

Of course I remember that 2 dumbass Holy Knights. I haven’t settled the score with them over destroying my Ferris Wheel. But, since they have already met with such misfortune, and my mood is fine today, so I guess I will stop looking for a chance to get even and let bygones be bygones.

“Wait, this isn’t right! What is Xueti doing here!!”

My question only received a look of sympathy. Elisa coughs lightly and imitates a familiar voice.

“Lord Silver Rose, please don’t help Lord Wumianzhe by taking on his job. Even though your imitation is really like the original, but if someone were to find out, it would affect the reputation of our judiciary. Right, please tell Lord Wumianzhe by the way that as the Head of Hall of Enforcement Lord Guardian of Steel cannot be found anywhere, so the speech would be delayed to 2.30 in the afternoon tomorrow. Tell him to join in if he’s interested”

The way which Elisa imitated Lilith’s take on trying to be formal is incredibly skillful but I didn’t have the free time to be immersing myself in the enjoyment of art…

“So the speech has been delayed? So the Town Security is currently at work as per normal and can appear anytime!!!”

“Bastard!! It’s you perverts again! Holy Light, no, Law, grant me power! Incantation of Law: Judgement!”

It is a scene of utter chaos behind me. The sudden appearance of the Town Security caught the Wild Druid Alliance and Xueti by surprise. Immediately, they thought that they were had.

“Bastard Roland, betraying your brothers again. This old bull is never going to let you off!!”

The roaring old bull who was ignorant to the situation thought that the Lich set him up, oblivious to the fact that he was the one who ruined the plan. He raises his head and roars towards the heavens, as though as he has been put through some great grievance.

“Damn, it isn’t safe here.”

I throw 2 gold coins as newspaper fee and turns around to leave the shop. But, at the entrance of the cafe, 2 Elves are smiling straight at me.

“Hi, mastermind in the shadows. It’s you again.”

One of them is Captain Diana of the Town Security. The other one is Vice-Captain Yawen and right beside her feet is the heavy and bulky Dragon Saber.

She is born with total immunity to mind-related magic, which is the main reason why I passed this demonic saber, which drives its user into a frenzy, to the Town Security. But, at this moment, I couldn’t feel gladness for being able to find a suitable owner for the demonic saber. Rather, I was frustrated with how I managed to shoot myself in the foot once again.

Looking back, Elisa has disappeared without a trace as expected. The half-demon’s talent in travelling through sub-dimensions is really first-class, allowing that cold-hearted demon to abandon her comrades decisively. In this instant, I, who was half a beat slow to react, had my surroundings casted with a sub-dimension anchor, making it impossible to escape with spatial magic.

Thus, after a long laughter, I raised both of my hands and…

…Squatted down while hugging my head.

“Don’t hit my face!! I still want to go matchmaking to find a wife!”

—————

Just as I was enjoying the warm reception from the Town Security beauties, I hear the familiar voice of Elisa beside my ear.

“Master, didn’t I say yesterday that this quest requires some help from others?”

“Hm!? Stop talking and save me!!”

“…Actually, I didn’t mean for you to look for those Druids. You could have totally looked for those old comrades of yours in the Undead District. Zombies, Skeleton Soldiers, Butchers and Bone Dragons, they are all naked and you could have brought them to the street until daylight. If you had done that, the quest would have been a huge success!”

I seem to have already seen in my sights, a young lady who was secretly laughing gleefully on the inside but on the surface, a straight face full of confusion, acting innocent…

“Elisa!! You tricked me!!”

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