The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

Translator: StarveCleric  Editor: StarveCleric

“Never proactively invade a Mage Tower with an owner and even more so, don’t underestimate the moral boundary of a Mage. Unless you hope to end up like me, I X, 12 consecutive traps, aren’t you afraid of triggering it yourself? Indeed, all Mages are madman — Great Adventurer Kuse.”

From a certain sense, this saying has become an iron law among adventurers, especially when this adventurer is well-known in the circle for being carefree and his skill in escaping. In an exploration of a flying castle in an alternate dimension, he was dissected into 13 pieces by a great Warlock’s consecutive traps. The saying that he used his life to emphasize made the saying additionally convincing.

For a species like Mages, they often view the pursuit of truth and knowledge as the goal of their life and their living quarters and their Mage Tower are their research center and their treasure trove.

Therefore, when the fruits of their research and their lives are being threatened, their moral bottom limit and chastity is exceptionally low. Their living quarters and research labs are filled with all kinds of traps and mechanisms, magic traps that even master thieves can’t do anything about. For example, opening a door may very possibly result in you being transported into another world.

A Legend-rank Mage’s living quarters and Mage Tower’s threat isn’t lower than infiltrating the den of a Dragon and even the weakest Lich are at least a Legend.

Thus, I am extremely curious exactly what kind of people will directly attack the living quarters of a Lich, especially while he is obviously at home.

“Elisa?”

“There are two teams of intruders, one of them attacking head-on while the other is climbing the wall at the back. Judging from their skills and their weapons, it should be the Dark Elves, 7 silver-rank and 3 gold-rank. Quite a powerful group I must say.”

Elisa reports as I expected, but this wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

“Why are there explosions? Didn’t I tell you to just set up some safe and quiet alarms on the outer perimeter? Such a loud explosion at night will draw the Town Security in soon.”

Following «The Town Security Guidelines (Wumianzhe’s 6th Edition», after hearing the explosions, they will form a small team to scout the scene within 5 minutes. Furthermore, my living quarters is in the central area of Sulfur Mountain City, not too far from the Supreme Court. I reckon at minimum, they will be here in 10 minutes.

“They would definitely take this opportunity to conduct a raid against us! If that’s the case, then wouldn’t those forbidden goods in my basement be discovered!?”

The Town Security only have the authority to enforce the law on the crime scene. To enter other people’s home to conduct an arrest, they would require a search warrant from their superiors. The superior of the Town Security is the Hall of Enforcement and the superior of the Hall of Enforcement is the Supreme Court. There is no reason I would sign a search warrant to allow the Town Security to raid my house…

That’s right, from the start, I was never worried about them intruding. I am similar to those corrupt officials and illegal merchants in the sense that when their illegal goods get robbed, they do not dare to report the case. If the Town Security were to use this opportunity to raid my quarters, I’m afraid that I might be thrown directly to Sulfur Mountain City’s jail.

Despite hearing my complaints, Elisa maintains her poker face.

“Yeah, you said that you want a ‘Safe’ anti-burglary system, right? Just like what you requested, what I set up on the outer perimeter is just some Engineer-made alarm robots only.

“Then why are there explosions?” Following which, after taking into account the heavily emphasized ‘Safe’, realization struck me.

“From ‘Safe’? It can’t be that you are talking about the ‘Safe’ brand goblin machinery on Gold Coin Street? The one opened by the Beyar brothers?”

I definitely would know that store. That Safe brand goblin machinery, due to selling fakes and explosives, was stripped of its license and it should still be operating without one now.

Of course, the name of the store is a hoax and there are people who bought the wrong ‘Safe Goblin Goods’ but after a few incidents, there is no reason why anyone would buy from their store. This brand also became a negative example.

“Of course, I thought that you were asking me to help take care of your brothers and thus, specially requesting me to purchase from them?”

“They are not my brothers! What use are their goods other than exploding? I must have gone mad if I asked you grace their shop!”

“I’m sorry, looks like I misunderstood your words.”

She apologized sincerely but seeing how the edges of her lips were slightly arched upwards, I knew that this introvert half-demon is definitely laughing inside. She must have done it on purpose!

“You… Fine, I admit my loss. You really went through all the efforts just to torture me.”

“As long as you pay me all my wages, I guarantee you that your life from now on will be a breeze.”

“Hmph, dream on. Don’t you think that I wouldn’t know the pattern of you demons. Paying your wages means the end of the contract. You want to regain your freedom? Continue dreaming.”

While we were chattering idly, the two teams closed in on us but I paid them no attention.

“Have you found the identity of the intruders yet? If you haven’t done so yet, I’m going to cut your pay. Hmph, don’t think that I don’t know that you were secretly eating into the household expenses, using it to buy your personal items. Despite being advanced in age, you still like those light flowy clothes. Hoho, a steel-faced spinster with a ballet tutu. Do you need me to give you an allowance to buy a doll…”

I couldn’t continue on with my sarcastic words as the seemingly tangible black mist of anger kept on reminding me that I will meet with bad luck within the next few days. For example, my diary might be blown away by a strong wind while writing on it, my energy source turning into dog food, the oil I use for clean and maintain my bones turn into natural asphalt, half of the Town Security falling from the sky towards me when I am doing my

…Thinking about all these, an inexplicable feeling of sorrow overwhelms me. Exactly who is the master and who is the servant? Should I really start considering to pay her all of her wages to get rid of her?

“Boom!!”

Another gigantic explosion interrupts my train of thoughts.

“What is that? Landmines? You bought that thing and planted it in the flower garden!” I made use of this opportunity to be difficult. “Hmph, disobeying orders and breaking our contract. I shall make use of this opportunity to cut 10 years of her wages.”

“…That location, it should be where my fully-automated goblin sprinkler T130 is.”

“Boom!!”

“Here too? The lawn mower?”

“No, it should be the entrance, the doorbell ‘Loud-kun’?” The young lady tilts her head innocently.

“Indeed, loud enough, fortunately I never had the habit of pressing my doorbell… No, that isn’t right. For even the doorbell to be of Safe brand, you intend to kill me and steal my wealth?”

“Boom!!” “Boom!!” This time, it is a consecutive explosion. I know that the flooring of my entrance probably needs to be changed now. No, judging from the intensity of the explosion, my quarters probably need a new entrance now.

“This is? My shoe rack?”

Elisa nods her head bitterly. “Safe brand’s fully automated shoe rack model XT-137. It is said to be able to automatically help its owner choose his shoes, brush it and polish it…”

I can’t help but feel glad for being a Lich and float while moving from place to place, thus never finding the need for shoes. But after that, I felt that something was wrong.

“That can’t be right, I have no shoes, so why did you buy a shoe rack for??”

“Ah? My Lord, it was my negligence.”

“A negligence in a murder plot? You are really getting better and better at playing with words.”

“That’s all thanks to your effective teaching.”

“Ah, my Evil Points went up again, looks like another one died… Let’s just hope that some if the intruders would still be alive. At least, I can bring them to the experimental lab to try out the new magic traps I came up with.”

—————————————

Arunide is the second daughter of the noble Third Family from Morsblight City. The fact that she became a gold-rank Lorci Priestess under 200 years old symbolizes that she has the favor of the Mother of Spiders. As the next rising star of Morsblight City, she is used to looking down on others.

This time, she was under orders by her family to bring a team to Sulfur Mountain City to accomplish a diplomatic task. After much consideration and investigation to ensure that it isn’t some ploy from other female priests to usurp her position, she received the mission, elated.

“Stupid and dirty two-legged bugs, how dare you inferior males reject the kind will of the Spider Queen! I see, you all don’t even have the qualifications to serve as slaves. Then, burn in the fiery inferno of the Abyss while regretting your decisions.”

Even as a diplomatic ambassador, she, just like most of her other brethren, look down on all other species that aren’t female Dark Elves. Due to that, from the very start, there wasn’t a possibility for the diplomatic talks to succeed.

But, as Dark Elves, their motives here naturally include spying, and their true mission has only just begun.

“All of you, go and carry out the mission granted by the Spider Queen. Assassinate all of the people whose names are on the list if possible. Or else, just collect information on them for the time being.”

That’s why these days, the Town Security army received complaints from their Dark Elf mates moving suspiciously in the city, putting them in a hard position to make a move.

That bunch of bitches wearing those laughable uniforms and worship the Holy Light, just looking at the dumbasses who betrayed the Spider Queen makes me sick… If I am able to find an opportunity to kill them, the Mother of Spiders would definitely send down more rewards!”

But to Arunide, carrying out her family’s mission as a spy was only a bonus. Her true goal was to convert the team attached to her into her devoted subordinates that would give up their lives for her interests.

But before she was able to find trouble with the misfits among her brethren who worship Holy Light, one of her accomplice from Chrome City was unexpectedly captured.

“Useless males, the way he died is too pathetic, too weak. But it would be troublesome if he talks. If Sulfur Mountain City were to get a hold against us, our diplomatic team from Morsblight might be expelled from the city. Not mentioning how embarrassing it is, if we fail the reconnaissance and assassination mission coupled with our secrets getting revealed…”

Remembering the harsh torture her family dealt towards failures and the punishments the Spider Queen imposes upon weaklings, turning into a half-human half-spider freak or so… Surmise can’t help but shiver in fear.

Fortunately, the wise Spider Queen still favors her and the mark left on the male indicates that he was taken away from the impregnable Fire Mountain Prison and brought to this weird house.

Despite hearing that it was the living quarters of a Lich, she didn’t back away.

Just another foolish man. Are you all virgins who haven’t enjoyed the service of those handsome Mages in the family before? To actually read a Mage? Even if he is a legend-rank Mage, but what about it? We, Dark Elves, are the natural nemesis of Mages. We have 2 Shadow Dancers and a Priest of the Spider Queen, we can down him in an instant…”

But in this moment, she no longer possesses the calmness and confidence she had then.

“Explosions, explosions. Explosions everywhere. The doorbell explodes, the door mat explodes and even a small pebble by the road explodes as well… Exactly what kind of place did we come to?”

The body of the gold-rank Shadow Dancer, who is equal to her in fighting prowess, lies on the icy-cold floor. A hole has been opened in her head, her skullcap had been blown away and blood and brain matter flowed endlessly from within. Her cause of death…

“The powerful Blood of Haxinti actually died to an exploding coat rack. Would anyone be able to believe it? How am I to explain to my family that I lost our strongest Assassin. In less than 3 minutes, only 3 people remains of our 2 teams and we haven’t even met our target yet.”

The surviving no longer dared to proceed on and after the retreating Haxinti died to an exploding cost rack, they don’t even dare to retreat anymore. They huddle together, wary of the surroundings.

But very soon, they no longer have to worry.

That is because in front of them, a floating figure appears from the dark night. The silver-colored Ice magic and black-colored death magic hovers around the skeleton. In the eyes, a purple color soulfire burns wildly and the icy-cold voice formed by the reverberation of magic brings one despair.

“Nice to meet you, test subject 17893, test subject 17894 and test subject 17895. Welcome to my research lab. Un, please do remember your assigned numbers. From today on, that will be your new names. Here, will be your home until your deaths. I hope that I can make you feel the warmth of home.”

The voice created by a Lich’s magic was gender-ambiguous and has no trace of emotion within it. It was as though it was just announcing a known fact. The eyes that it looks at towards yourself, there was no lust towards males or jealousy or females. If there was anything, it was only the interest towards the construct of one’s body.

Somehow, looking at the ghostfire burning in its cold eyes, Arunide remembered the warning of her grandmother who doted on her.

“In the view of the world, we, Dark Elves, are evil, dangerous and crazy. But, in the face of true evil, we are just pitiful lambs waiting to be slaughtered…”

“Grandmother, I finally understand the reason behind your sigh then. But a pity that it’s already too late… No benevolence or evil, no love or hatred, these eyes that only see an animal waiting to be experimented on. Is this the shape of true evil?”

Before she lost her consciousness, the rising star of Morsblight City, the second daughter of the noble 3rd Family Arunide sighs for the final time.

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