How to Raise Your Regressor

"Samur, you are a fucking asshole."

Yee-haw.

Just what I was expecting her to say. It's actually surprising that not a single word of hers deviated from my prediction.

Wow.

"H-hey, Lecia…" Neia tried stopping her.

"I see."

Anyway-

"In fact, you are the biggest asshole I have ever met."

Wut?

"That's a bold accusation, Lecia. Have you perhaps forgotten about the people you lived with before joining the New Dawn Guild?"

I mean, far be it from me to question the logic of a dumbass, but between people who treated you like an object and the guy who literally saved your life and freedom on not one, but two occasions, isn't the latter less of an asshole?

That's how it usually goes, at the very least.

So not only is the accusation bold, it's also completely unfounded.

Like seriously, I saved you for God's sake, not that you know because I don't want you to. But your words have still hurt me tremendously, Lecia.

Perhaps I was right in thinking that the reason Tristan and his organisation were trying to kidnap- nay, capture this terrifying savage was to keep us safe from her perverse clutches.

"Yeah, right. Not even they would do what you did," she scoffed.

Yea, they would not save you, but I did. And I'm already regretting it.

"And what exactly did I do?"

"You don't know what you did?"

"The opposite; I did a lot of things, so I need you to remind me which of my actions you're actually talking about."

I need you to be specific.

"…And how many things have you done?" She scowled.

"Well, I took a Cranberry Juice bath, for instance."

And killed more than 1000 thousand sweaty wankers, all for you.

Hmm, that almost sounded romantic.

Ew.

"How about things related to me?" She crossed her arms.

I get where she's trying to go with this, but… hmm…

Let's play along, but in a way slightly different than what she might believe. It'll also answer the questions that these two wankers are probably dying to ask.

"Well, I tried negotiating for your release, but that plan went down the drain due to Tristan's stubbornness."

"His stubbornness?! HA! It was all because of you!" She exclaimed.

"How is that Samur's fault?" Neia asked while scowling at me.

Is it just me, or does she not trust me?

Probably just me. I mean, I haven't really done anything that could give her a reason to distrust me.

Well, I did pull a harmless prank on her, or playing that prank on Noelle in front of her, or shooting Clementine in the head, or taking her to Tristan's hideout with the excuse of practice then telling her that they were holding Lecia hostage, but hey, everyone does that.

So yea, nothing at all.

"Yes, please enlighten me, how was that my fault?"

"Because you!" She got closer and pressed her finger on my chest. "Deliberately failed those negotiations!"

"Deliberately?" Azell's brows furrowed.

"Yeah," Lecia suddenly turned around with a whiny voice to face Azell. "You probably don't know, but Tristan asked for 100,000 Gold coins in exchange for my release, and Samur agreed."

This kid's crafty.

"Okay," Azell nodded.

"Then Tristan jokingly said that he wanted 100,001 coins instead, but Samur actually refused."

"What?" Azell seemed shocked while Neia just stared at me.

"He said that the extra gold coin would have to go out of his own pocket which he didn't like," Lecia looked at me like she would spit on me.

"Why would it have gone out of your pocket?" Neia asked me.

"As far as I was aware, our inventory had a total of 100,000 Gold coins set aside for the hostage retrieval program. So that extra Gold coin would have been personally paid by me."

And I don't like that.

"That… hostage retrieval program's limit has been increased, though?" Azell said.

He seemed like a confused gazelle that had no idea what the fuck we were talking about, but at least he had the situational awareness and the acting abilities required to clutch this situation.

Commendable.

As I thought, my idea to pin the blame of saving Lecia on him was pure genius.

"Did it? I didn't get that memo."

Please inform me beforehand, Azell.

"Even if you didn't, couldn't you have just paid that Gold coin? I could have returned it to you later."

"Believe me when I say that I very much would have liked to, but the problem is that I didn't have that Gold coin; in case you don't remember, I haven't been paid my salary yet."

Samur Poor Eckart.

"Oh…"

"See? It wasn't my fault."

So stop making baseless accusations, Lecia.

"Maybe this wasn't, but what about what happened next?"

"What did he do now?" Neia asked with a sigh.

"When Tristan said that he'd just take those 100,000 Gold coins, Samur said that would no longer be possible because he had just paid out salaries and bonuses to the employees!"

"…" Azell raised his eyebrows and stared at me.

"…" Same for Neia.

"And then he had the audacity to ask if he could pay in installments! He was asking to pay the ransom for my release in installments!"

No need to say it twice; I'm sure they have the comprehensive abilities required to understand your statement.

Probably.

"…" Azell and Neia.

Looks like they're praising me in their minds for pulling a fast one over Lecia.

Hehe.

"Tristan didn't agree saying that he wouldn't fall for such a trick again! I still can't believe it! He agreed to take the ransom of someone else that he had kidnapped in installments and got scammed! How did he even manage that?!"

Well, as previously established, Tristan is not the brightest around.

"Then Samur just told him that paying that much would be impossible because I was not worth it and broke up the negotiations. Then he apologised to me and told me that that was where we parted ways! Tell me, if he's not an asshole, what is he?"

A genius prankster.

"…I… have no idea what to say…" Azell sighed heavily.

"Neither do I…" Neia clutched her forehead.

Looks like they still cannot wrap their head around what Lecia just told them.

Nice.

"Oh, come on, Lecia. That was just a joke. Show some emotional maturity."

Definitely can't tell her that I let her get kidnapped because I wanted to test my new drone out. They'll probably lose their shit and shove the remains of that drone in my ass.

Oh right, my drone got destroyed. I almost forgot about that.

…

Fuck.

"A joke!?" Lecia flared up the moment she heard that.

"I mean, I'm like you little brother; age-wise, at least, and such pranks are common among family members. So stop making such a big deal out of this, be the bigger man and forgive me, kay?"

Technically speaking, Lecia is a girl so it should have been 'bigger girl' but that sounded a bit weird, so yea.

"That was JUST a joke?!" She once again closed in and grabbed my collars, trying to hoist me up and almost succeeding.

Getting feisty, are we?

"A harmless prank, if you will, designed to get a cheap laugh or two."

Her glare got sharper in response.

"Besides, Tristan had absolutely no intention to give you up-"

"Shut up," Lecia practically growled at me. "Just the shut the fuck up." Her grip tightened.

Is she going to choke me again?

Even if she is, unlike last time, I won't be trying to play a prank by pretending to be dead. I don't want another CPR.

"Aight."

Lecia is obviously overreacting, but I guess I'll be the good soldier and follow orders.

"Listen to me you fucking piece of shit," her eyes said 'I'm going to kill you'. "It might have been a joke to you, but for me, those were some of the worst moments of my life."

Oh. F, I suppose.

"Is that so?"

"Ha, right," she scoffed with a ridiculing smile. "Of course, you wouldn't understand. You've had a pretty nice life, after all."

Oh my.