Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

A few days before the end of the winter vacation, a small number of students returned to the school in advance.

At the men's dormitory entrance, three boys stood downstairs in a small circle, surrounding two small luggage cases. It was a comical scene.

Lu Wenhao sighed, "It would've never occurred to me, that one day, I would go back to school before it even started."

Gao Zixiang looked down and played with his cellphone. "You could've just not come."

Lu Wenhao retorted, "Not possible. From just being online, my curiosity is about to explode… It's not like you guys, who live nearby and could see them at any time."

"Come on ba," said Gao Zixiang, "I've only seen Huanhuan once during this entire winter vacation, and it was when I went to his house for a New Year's visit. He was dressed so tightly that nothing was showing but his face…"

Lu Hang said, "Okay, that's still better than me. I couldn't even meet up with Xiangxiang at all during winter vacation, and after school starts, we won't be roommates anymore."

The three of them all fell silent.

Lu Wenhao sincerely asked, "Guys, let's talk. We were all dating online, but why is it that I'm just not the same as them?"

Gao Zixiang replied, "The horse matches the saddle…"

He hadn't finished his words before Lu Wenhao jumped on him, and the two of them pretended to fight.

Jing Huan accompanied Xiang Huaizhi to the dorm office to handle the registration procedures of moving out of the dorms. When he came out, it was just in time to see Lu Wenhao holding up both hands to beg for mercy.

"Wuwuwu, Laozi's wrong, you fucker." Lu Wenhao patted Gao Zixiang's arm. "Why don't you take all your energy to interrogate Huanhuan? Do you only know how to bully me?"

"Interrogate me about what?" Jing Huan picked up the small luggage cases on the ground, looked Lu Wenhao up and down, and doubtfully asked, "Have you lost weight?"

Lu Wenhao replied, "Yeah, I lost 20 pounds ba."

His tone was very relaxed.

Jing Huan's expression was complicated. After a while he said, "It seems that the face-to-face meeting was quite a big blow to you."

"Ah? That's not the case. My mom said that being too fat was unhealthy, and I thought she was right so I just lost some fat in passing."

Jing Huan: "…"

During the fattening holiday of the Spring Festival, you lost some fat in passing???

What could he say?

It was like learning about Lu Wenhao for the first time again.

In order to help Xiang Huaizhi move out of the dorms, Jing Huan came to the school three days before the term started. Originally, he wanted to have a few happy days with Xiang Huaizhi. He didn't expect that Lu Hang and them would also book early tickets back to school when they heard about it.

He looked at the three empty handed people in front of him, then looked at the luggage in his and Xiang Huaizhi's hands. "So, what exactly are they helping with?"

Xiang Huaizhi didn't speak, but held out his hand to him.

Jing Huan was stunned and looked all around for a bit. Since school hadn't started yet, only nearby residents were on the street, there weren't even any snack vendors set up.

Only after observing the environment did Jing Huan take Xiang Huaizhi's hand.

Xiang Huaizhi blankly stared for a bit, and then immediately burst out laughing.

Jing Huan looked at him and asked, "What are you laughing about?"

Xiang Huaizhi replied, "I was asking you to hand me the luggage."

Jing Huan: "…"

Jing Huan showed a bit of token embarrassment for a moment, and then said, "No need, I like carrying my boyfriend's luggage."

Xiang Huaizhi tightly pulled him along and said nothing more.

The two of them thought that their voices were quiet, but they didn't know that, as soon as their roommates heard such exciting things, they would immediately evolve into Shunfeng'er.

“Fuck, what do they think we are? Air?” Lu Wenhao asked.

Gao Zixiang took a quick peek as they turned around the corner. “Holding hands like this, are they not afraid of being seen?”

"They're truly show-offs, afraid of nothing." Lu Hang muttered, "But if they were actually found out, then wouldn't it be very troublesome, ba?"

Lu Wenhao was about to say something, but Gao Zixiang held out his hand to him.

Lu Wenhao was puzzled. "What?"

"Hold hands," said Gao Zixiang, "Two men hand in hand will produce gossip, but five men hand in hand, they couldn't possibly say that we're a 5P, right?"

Lu Wenhao was shocked by his dirty talk.

Thus, the five people went back to Jing Huan's house just like that, hand in hand.

As soon as they got to the apartment, they made hot pot.

Just after taking a seat, Jing Huan opened a can of beer and handed it to Lu Wenhao. "Drink less. You have to wash the dishes after eating."

"Fuck, if I have to wash it, then I'll wash it." Lu Wenhao took a sip of beer and asked, "So, you and Xiang Ge… When exactly did it happen ah?"

The three of them played rock-paper-scissors at the dormitory entrance, and Lu Wenhao lost, so he was responsible for raising the topic.

Lu Wenhao dillydallied for a long time, not daring to ask. His feet were trampled several times before he finally opened his mouth.

Jing Huan paused and instinctively glanced at Xiang Huaizhi.

This question was really hard for him to answer.

From what day should they count as the start of their relationship? The day they got married? Or the day Xiang Huaizhi kissed him? Or the day he confessed?

"Before the holidays." Xiang Huaizhi rolled up his sleeves and put the meatballs into the pot.

Jing Huan nodded and recalled the date of that day. He carefully recorded it in his mind.

"Damn it," Lu Wenhao said, "I'll have you know that when I watched the livestream, Laozi almost fell off of his chair when he heard your voice… And it was a holiday, so I had no way to seek you out. You didn't even return my messages, and Laozi scratched his head all night, unable to sleep well!"

Gao Zixiang coolly asked, "Do you think you could've found him if you lived close by?"

Lu Hang said, "You guys be content ba. That night, my WeChat was spammed to the brim with messages, all of them asking me what had happened, but I didn't even know the details."

Jing Huan silently listened to their complaints. At first, he had thought that these people's reactions had been rather weak. Only now did he realize that he only passed these last few days peacefully because of the blessing of the holidays.

After the vacation, the three people had already gotten used to their relationship from the game, so they weren't as excited when they met up in real life again.

Since Lu Wenhao was still trying to lose weight, he only ate for a bit before he stopped eating. Instead, he chose to play with his cellphone while bantering with Gao Zixiang.

In the middle of the game, he suddenly let out a, "Fuck me."

"Ah, I have to say…" Lu Wenhao looked up in shock. "Can't you guys keep a low profile?!"

"What's the matter with us?" Jing Huan asked doubtfully.

Lu Wenhao proffered his cellphone.

Jing Huan looked at it and was stunned.

It was a picture of him and Xiang Huaizhi when they went to the supermarket today; they had held hands.

The kind with all ten fingers intertwined.

Lu Wenhao was heartbroken. "I provided tens of thousands of defenses in order to protect you guys, even not hesitating to sacrifice myself to hold hands with that dog Gao Zixiang…"

Jing Huan instinctually looked at Xiang Huaizhi.

In fact, he didn't actually care about this. Whoever he liked, whether they were man or woman, was no one else's business.

But Xiang Huaizhi might not necessarily be ready for this…

"Doesn't matter." Xiang Huaizhi said, "Sooner or later everyone will know."

"No, that's not the main point…" Lu Wenhao only felt pain in his face. "Previously I said on BBS that if you two had any kind of impure relationship, I would do a handstand and shit at the same time… Now those forum people say they want to dox me!!"

Lu Hang let out a "fuck" then said, "You… How can I eat with this kind of talk?"

"Don't worry, Ge. If I really have to act it out, I'll only do it for that dog Gao Zixiang to see." Lu Wenhao said, "So I can disgust him to death."

As a result, Gao Zixiang put down his chopsticks, and they had another scuffle on the spot.

After the chaotic hotpot situation, Jing Huan let out a sigh of relief.

After taking a bath, he laid on the bed in a spread eagle position. When Xiang Huaizhi came out of the bathroom, Jing Huan turned over to make room for him.

"Ge, try it, is it comfortable to sleep on?" Jing Huan said, "I was in a hurry when I moved back then, so I just randomly chose this mattress and everything else. If you don't think it's good, we'll change it."

Xiang Huaizhi laid on the bed and tilted his head to the side, having it propped on his hand. He asked, "Just now, what did you think?"

Jing Huan was stupefied. "Huh?"

"When you looked at the picture." Xiang Huaizhi said.

Jing Huan didn't expect that Xiang Huaizhi would've noticed the hesitation in his eyes.

"Don't want others to know that we're together?" Xiang Huaizhi asked.

"How could that be?" Jing Huan said, "I was afraid that you would mind…"

Xiang Huaizhi lowered his head and kissed him.

"If I minded, I wouldn't have moved in." Xiang Huaizhi said.

Jing Huan copied him, "If I was worried that other people would know, I wouldn't have invited you to live with me."

Xiang Huaizhi was satisfied and rubbed his lips a bit. "That's good. If you weren't willing to do even that… How could I coax you to meet my parents in the future?"

Jing Huan's heart beat faster and he dazedly looked at Xiang Huaizhi.

Xiang Huaizhi asked, "Would you be willing to meet them?"

"This… Definitely." Jing Huan snapped out of it. "I can't just abduct their son without saying a word."

It was just that he actually hadn't thought about this matter before.

This was his first time dating someone, and he hadn't yet gotten his fill of the passionate flavors of love, so he never thought about anything else.

At the thought of this topic, Jing Huan couldn't comfortably lie down anymore. He sat up and asked, "When am I meeting them ah? I have to prepare. What kind of boy do your parents like? What kind of gifts do they like? Do they like quiet or lively people?"

Xiang Huaizhi laughed as he listened to him. He reached out and pulled Jing Huan back onto the bed.

"It's still early, don't be nervous… It doesn't matter what they like. As long as you're willing to go back with me, I'll clearly tell them the rest."

Jing Huan's expression was solemn.

Xiang Huaizhi pressed on Jing Huan's brow with his fingers. "Why are you frowning?"

"I'm thinking." Jing Huan said, "I also have to clearly tell my parents and then take you back to see them."

Xiang Huaizhi suddenly had some regrets.

He pinched Jing Huan's earlobe. "Think about this matter later."

Jing Huan vaguely let out on "en", his expression still serious.

Xiang Huaizhi refrained from laughing, lowered his head, and gave him a series of scattered kisses.

From his forehead to the eyes, to his nose, to his lips and then his chin.

Jing Huan finally had no time to think about other things. As Xiang Huaizhi pressed his thumb onto his mole, Jing Huan finally remembered that their most important thing wasn't prepared yet.

Just as Xiang Huaizhi was about to use his hand to solve their problem Jing Huan suddenly pushed himself up and got out of bed.

Then, he opened the nightstand and pulled out a condom.

Xiang Huaizhi: "…."

Xiang Huaizhi asked, "When did you buy this?"

"Bought it a long time ago. Was afraid the supermarket didn't have any good ones, so I ordered it online." Jing Huan ripped off the packaging, blushed, and asked, "I'll help you put it on?"

Xiang Huaizhi couldn't help laughing, "Okay…"

After positioning the condom, Jing Huan suddenly leaned down, rubbed his lips against the edge, and very carefully rolled it down.

Fireworks exploded in Xiang Huaizhi's mind.

He smoothed back Jing Huan's hair and asked in a hoarse voice, "You…this… Where did you learn to do this?"

"What," Jing Huan's ears were completely red. "Only you can tease me?"

Xiang Huaizhi's eyes were heavy, and he didn't say anything more. After the condom was completely on, he directly pressed Jing Huan onto the bed sheets.

…

…

Jing Huan woke up the next day.

Jing Huan wasn't quite used to feeling that there was an extra person by his side.

Although he wasn't used to it, he really liked this feeling.

He rested his foot on Xiang Huaizhi's leg and felt that his sleepiness was slightly fading, so he simply stopped trying to sleep.

He took out his cellphone from under the pillow, clicked on the Taobao app, and bought another pack of the condoms he used last night.

And on the app, he left a positive review.

[Heaven's * * Heart: The taste is OK.]

[Seller's reply: ?]

—

Due to generous Ko-fis, here is an early chapter, and we'll be finishing up this series this week! Thanks guys!

Juurensha: So I think the chapter now is less detailed since it got locked (specifically the scene where Huanhuan is helping XHZ put on that condom), but since I copied out the chapter before it got locked, here it is in its full glory!

Divi: Yay for getting some of the scenes before it gets locked! Slight glimpse of their domestic fluff T v T. Hao'er needs to stop blabbing his mouth.

And we have a fanart page!

And be sure to support the raws!