Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

"Wasn't his WeChat profile picture a fruit…?" Jing Huan heard himself ask.

"Ah?" Lu Hang thought for a moment. "Oh, yeah, he had a side account. He made it after his main account was stolen. You can add that one instead if you want."

Jing Huan: "…"

Seeing that he didn't say a word, Lu Hang opened his own WeChat and turned on the scan function, saying, "Forget it, let's add each other first ba. You can open your QR code, and I can add you."

Jing Huan helplessly looked at Lu Hang with empty eyes.

What to do?

What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?

Lu Hang raised his eyebrows and asked, "What's the matter…?"

Bang—

The cellphone slipped from Jing Huan's hand and fell to the ground heavily, hitting the edge of a stone with a clear cracking sound.

Jing Huan didn't look at his cellphone on the ground. He said expressionlessly, "Oh no, my cellphone is broken, probably can't add me anymore."

Lu Hang: "…"

Weren't you just holding it tightly?

Could it have really just fallen out like that?

"It's okay, maybe it's not broken. Pick it up and have a look." With that, he started bending down..

Yet in the end, before he touched the cellphone, Jing Huan suddenly raised his foot and firmly stepped on it.

Lu Hang: "…"

Jing Huan said, "Ah, accidentally stepped on it."

Lu Hang: "…"

Lu Hang's eyes were complicated. "Huanhuan, are you okay?"

"I'm fine ah, what else would I be?" Jing Huan looked down at his cellphone, and his voice was completely emotionless. "Go back first, I'll sort it out."

"…" Lu Hang's gaze shifted back and forth several times between the cellphone and Jing Huan's face. "Okay… Then I'll go back first, and you'll hurry up too ah."

Lu Hang's footsteps were particularly clear as he walked down the small path.

After Jing Huan couldn't hear Lu Hang anymore, he slowly raised his foot and bent over to pick up his battered cellphone.

He looked down.

It was alright, it was only the phone's glass screen that cracked..

Jing Huan grabbed a paper towel, moistened it with water, and gently wiped his cellphone.

Once, twice, three times… Countless times.

He didn't stop until the phone lit up with a message that automatically displayed on the screen.

Xiang: Or the baby could be like you, also a Fairy Fox Cave.

Fuck!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!

Alright my ass!! Alright to hell!!!

Jing Huan picked up his cellphone and stared at the WeChat profile picture for a long time. His previous calm disappeared without a trace.

How was this possible!

How could Xiang Huaizhi be Yearning For!!

Laozi doesn't believe it!!!!!

It must be Lu Hang's mistake.

He must have stolen Long Road Ahead's WeChat account.

Xiang Huaizhi and Yearning For couldn't be the same person.

It was just that their names were a bit similar

And their voices were a bit similar.

And the way they talked was a bit similar.

But what did that prove? That didn't prove anything!!!

Jing Huan crouched down on the side of the road, holding his cellphone and trying to hypnotize himself.

Oh right!

How could Xiang Huaizhi be dating someone online! He was supposed to have a girlfriend now ah!

Didn't he even make the other person's belly big…?

Jing Huan's expression froze.

Then, he lowered his head extremely slowly and looked at his flat abdomen.

?

???

Motherfucker.

It absolutely can’t be what I’m thinking of.

Two minutes later, Jing Huan was completely catatonic.

In the past, no matter how much he thought they were alike, he had never thought that Xiang Huaizhi and Yearning For were the same person.

The person who you married online was the senior student beside you. NCH didn’t split servers by region, how could a coincidence like this happen?!

And a cold person like Xiang Huaizhi actually liked loli voices!!!

Was that reasonable???

Who would believe it if you said it?!!!

Jing Huan denied it hundreds of times in his mind before finally beginning to face reality.

If Xiang Huaizhi and Yearning For were really the same person, what should he do?

…

He buried his whole face in his arms.

…

As expected, all he could do was go die.

Lu Hang went back to the boat, and Xiang Huaizhi looked behind him. "Where is he?"

"Still there," Lu Hang sat down. "He accidentally dropped his cellphone."

"That's perfect, he was just saying over and over again before that he wanted to switch to a new phone." Lu Wenhao gestured towards the waiter on the lower deck and shouted, "Two bottles of alcohol up here please!"

When the alcohol came up, the smell of fish soup in the pot had already wafted at least three miles away.

Xiang Huaizhi glanced at the empty seat beside him, got up, and said, "I'll go find him."

"Hey, hey, hey," Lu Wenhao hurriedly jumped up and raised his hand to signal him to sit down. "I'll go ba. I need to go wash my hands anyway since I accidentally got some soy sauce on my hands."

Lu Wenhao hummed a little song while walking to the bathroom. The small path only had one lamp, which could barely light up the area.

"Wildflowers on the road, don't you… Holy shit!!!"

The wildflowers on the side of the road were not seen, but the dark shadow at the side of the road scared him. Lu Wenhao felt his entire plump body tremble slightly.

Jing Huan was still squatting. He looked up slowly and asked, "Why are you just randomly screaming?"

"Shit, how is it you?" Seeing him clearly, Lu Wenhao went over to him. "Laozi thought that he had met a ghost."

"Even ghosts are going to be scared away by you." Jing Huan finished talking and continued to bury his head in his arms.

Lu Wenhao was stunned. "No… What are you doing just crouching here?"

"I'm happy here, don't mind me, go to the bathroom."

"I'm here to wash my hands, got soy sauce on them." Lu Wenhao said, "You're still not going back yet? All the food has arrived."

Jing Huan replied, "Not going back, not eating, no appetite."

Fuck.

I can't see anyone tonight.

Especially Xiang Huaizhi.

"Oh, then you just crouch there, I can't convince you to move either way." Lu Wenhao walked towards the bathroom. "In a bit, Xiang Ge will get anxious from waiting and come find you himself. He was just about to come, but I stopped him."

Jing Huan became nervous as soon as he heard the word Xiang. "What does he want with me?!"

"You're the birthday boy, ah. If you're not there, who dares to move their chopsticks."

"…"

Lu Wenhao came back after washing his hands, and Jing Huan was standing on the side of the road, beating his leg with his fist.

Lu Wenhao was happy. "Why do I feel like you're actually pretty scared of Xiang Ge? You jumped up as soon as I mentioned him."

Far more than fear.

Laozi even wants to pay him back with my life now.

But he couldn't hide forever. He had to eat, and he'd have to take the same car as Xiang Huaizhi later to get back.

Jing Huan said weakly, "You eat more and talk less later."

"I don't think so." Lu Wenhao, this guy who always said the wrong thing, asked with a face full of excitement from gossip, "Oh right, Xiang Huaizhi just said that his girlfriend is pregnant, is it true ah? You two have been together the whole afternoon. Did he tell you anything…"

Halfway through talking, Lu Wenhao suddenly shut up.

He sensed a murderous aura.

Jing Huan stared in front of him and tried to persuade himself that it wasn't appropriate to kill anyone on his birthday.

And he had no time to talk to Lu Wenhao anyway.

Because, as soon as they walked up to the boat, he could see Xiang Huaizhi's shoulders as he looked up.

Lu Wenhao's front foot had just stepped on the stairs when his back foot was caught by Jing Huan.

"Have a little foresight, don't talk about whether or not someone is damn pregnant later."

Lu Wenhao reached out and made an OK gesture with his hand. "Understood."

Jing Huan thought that he had already managed to relax himself.

But, the second he met Xiang Huaizhi's gaze, he felt like a firecracker that had been ignited and was about to immediately explode in place.

He quickly looked away, his eyes uncertain as he returned to his seat.

Looking at his red ears, Xiang Huaizhi asked, "Is your cellphone broken?"

Jing Huan didn't turn his head but said in a hoarse voice, "It's just the screen that's cracked… It's okay."

Begging you to please not talk to me.

Or I'll give you a men's diving show right here, right now.

Lu Wenhao put a crab into his bowl.

"Huanhuan, this crab is very fat. It's full of tomalley, try it."

This was the first helpful thing that Lu Wenhao did today.

No one can talk to me as long as I'm immersed in my meal!

Not even Xiang Huaizhi!!!

Jing Huan immediately went into a trance and focused on the crab.

Yet, as a result, the crab shell pricked his finger, which made him gasp in pain.

Shit shit shit.

Isn't today Laozi's birthday?

Why was everything he did so unlucky today!!!

Jing Huan was already like a balloon on the verge of bursting when he was pricked by the crab shell.

As soon as he wanted to sigh, his index finger was drawn over by the person next to him.

Xiang Huaizhi held his hand, stretched it out in front of him to examine it carefully, and even pressed it gently with his thumb to make sure there was no blood before releasing him.

He took the crab in Jing Huan's bowl. "Don't crack it anymore."

Jing Huan could feel the lingering warmth on his fingers, but couldn't say anything after he opened his mouth. The numbness spread from his fingers to his chest, up to his neck.

"Then, you can eat fish, no need to crack…" Lu Wenhao turned his head and was stunned. "Holy shit, Huanhuan, why is your face so red?"

All the people at the table looked over, including Xiang Huaizhi.

Obviously, he couldn't see the person next to him, but Jing Huan felt as though Xiang Huaizhi's gaze was completely surrounding him.

The night breeze was weak and failed to dissipate the heat on his face. Instead, it intensified.

Jing Huan said vaguely, "Drunk, got to me."

Lu Wenhao blinked. "You haven't drunk anything ah."

Jing Huan picked up the glass in front of him and chugged it. "Laozi is drinking now!"

Lu Wenhao's expression was subtle, and he said after a while, "You can drink what you want ba, but there are so many cups in front of you, and you had to grab Xiang Ge's?"

Jing Huan: "…"

Xiang Huaizhi let out a very soft laugh, "It's no problem."

Jing Huan: "…"

I have a problem.

My heart is about to jump out of my chest, please help me call 120, if they can save me, please do so, and if they can't, that's fine too.

Jing Huan stared at the unopened wine bottle on the ground and thought he might as well get drunk. Maybe he'd be back at school as soon as he opened his eyes again.

But, he was afraid that he would unintentionally babble out everything if he got drunk and die in vain.

After a long struggle, he decided to just give up.

Xiang Huaizhi casually listened to the chatter around the table and looked at the person next to him with lowered eyes.

Since coming back from the bathroom, Jing Huan seemed to be completely listless. Right now, he was just playing with the crab shells.

He took two chopsticks and kept poking at the crab shell that had just poked him. His soul was completely adrift with no idea where to go.

Xiang Huaizhi picked up a bowl and set it in front of him.

Jing Huan trembled a little and looked up at him in horror.

"…"

Xiang Huaizhi frowned and began to think about what he had done today that could have made Jing Huan show him this kind of expression.

He pushed the bowl forward. "Eat."

Jing Huan suddenly snapped out of it and quickly dropped his gaze down.

The bowl was completely full of white and tender crab meat.

Lu Wenhao couldn't just sit there, after all, he was number one in eating things. In one glance, he noticed the bowl of crab meat, and his chopsticks snapped out lightning fast. "Wow, so much, give me a little to let me be happy."

Jing Huan was quick to notice and quick to handle the situation. He smacked his hand with his chopsticks' handles. "Let go."

"Why ah, don't be stingy."

"He gave it to me; he didn't say it was for you."

"I know. Senior Xiang was the one who cracked it, he'll definitely let me eat it."

"It's Laozi who won't let you eat it." Jing Huan smacked his hand again. "Who's allowing you to eat my birthday food?"

Jing Huan finished the entire bowl of crab meat with a melancholic expression.

When they were full of food and drinks, Gao Zixiang stood up and raised his glass. "Come on, let's have a toast for Huanhuan before leaving. Wishing you many happy returns!"

Lu Wenhao added, "Happiness as immense as the East China Sea! May you live as long as the southern mountains!"

Jing Huan feebly clinked his glass against theirs. "Thank you all."

Just as he was about to take his cup back, Xiang Huaizhi reached out, clinked his glass against Jing Huan's on his own and then drank up.

He was born superior, even the lines of his Adam's apple was better than others.

Lu Wenhao hit him on the shoulder. "What are you looking at? Do you want to try to slip away without drinking?"

Jing Huan couldn't speak to Lu Wenhao any more; if he talked to him anymore he wouldn't be able to resist grabbing a knife with his hand.

He hurriedly looked away and drank the wine before Xiang Huaizhi glanced over.

After paying the bill, all of them left the farmhouse. Lu Hang went to drive the car over, and Lu Wenhao and Gao Zixiang followed him. As soon as Jing Huan stepped in their direction, he was held in place by Gao Zixiang.

"Don't move, birthday boy. Stand here and wait for us to pick you up." Gao Zixiang said, "Senior Xiang, wait here for a bit, we'll come very soon."

Xiang Huaizhi nodded. "En."

This birthday boy has ten thousand sentences stewing in him he wants to say.

But this birthday boy doesn't dare say any of them.

This birthday boy doesn't even dare to breathe right now.

At night, the countryside was very quiet, and Jing Huan was uneasy and counting the seconds.

Twenty seconds had already passed, why hadn't Lu Hang come already?

"Jing Huan." Xiang Huaizhi's voice cut through the calm.

Jing Huan looked down and kicked at a rock. "En… en?"

A box was presented to him.

"Happy birthday," Xiang Huaizhi said.

Jing Huan looked at the box and asked in a hoarse voice, "This… Where did this come from?"

"When you went to the bathroom, I went back to the car and got it."

Jing Huan took the box and swallowed, "Thank you."

It was too embarrassing for them to just stand there awkwardly so he asked, "Can I open it?"

"En."

Jing Huan opened the box and inside was a scarf. It was black and gray, simple and versatile.

"I didn't know you didn't like scarves when I bought it." Xiang Huaizhi said, "It's okay if you don't want it."

When did he say he didn't like scarves?

Jing Huan was stunned for a moment and then slowly remembered that it was Lu Wenhao who had said in the car that he had refused all of the girls' scarf presents.

He said, "No, you have a different purpose than them… I like it a lot. Thank you, Ge."

Xiang Huaizhi thought to himself, actually, his purpose was the same.

He had just wanted to open his mouth when the cellphone in his hand suddenly vibrated. It was the child-raising guide that he had asked someone to check for him.

Normally, he would definitely just silently forward it to the person next to him. But, at this moment, he didn't know whether it was the alcohol or anything else, as he pressed the forward button, he also said to the person at his side.

"I'm sending a message to my wife."

?

Jing Huan couldn't quite follow him for a second.

What does sending your wife a message have anything to do with me?

"Ding~"

Jing Huan's pocket rang with a clear WeChat prompt.

This prompt sound seemed like a fully powered light machine gun, firing wildly across the originally peaceful lake.

Fuck.

Motherfucker.

Isn't his wife me???

This prompt sound made the awkward atmosphere between the two suddenly soar to its highest point— anyway, Jing Huan had already figured out a hundred ways to escape.

"Not reading your messages?" Xiang Huaizhi asked.

"…" Jing Huan braced himself and managed to grit out. "Maybe it's a birthday wish. I'll go back first and then have a look."

After he finished saying that, car lights approached from the distance.

Like a holy light.

The car stopped, and Jing Huan ran up like he was running for his life.

Lu Wenhao sat in the front passenger seat and sighed with emotion, "Ah, it's very comfortable in the countryside at night. If we could, I'd like to stay here for one night."

Jing Huan weakly looked out of the window.

I think the lake isn't too bad. I'll just drop into it and sleep for eternity.

All troubles end when the main trouble ends.

Free from all cares.

The author has something to say:

Don't say such unlucky words on your birthday

~~（*·▽·*）~~

—

Juurensha: Awwwww, poor Huanhuan freaking out, couldn't even enjoy the crab meal properly.

Divi: Huanhuan furiously reading 101 ways to die right now. I feel you man, good luck!

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