Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Edited by Divetus

Jing Huan only discovered that some of his hair was sticking up when he came home and video-called Mama Jing.

The video connected. The woman on the screen was dressed in a streamlined suit. Not a strand of her hair was out of place, her face had a light dusting of delicate makeup, and her eyebrows and eyes were similar to those of Jing Huan.

Seeing Jing Huan's movements, the corner of the woman's mouth quirked slightly. "Is the wind so strong at your school?"

"It's alright." Jing Huan looked around at her surroundings. "Mom, it's so late, and you're still at work?"

"En, some final things to do. When it's all done, I'll head back." Mama Jing closed the document. "How have you been doing recently? Have you gotten used to living in the new house?"

Every time the two of them chatted, after awhile, it always turned into a Q&A format.

"In a bit, I'm going to have a few days of vacation, and I want to come with your dad to see you." Now Mama Jing arrived at her main topic. "And really, you. Last month you obviously had a break, but why didn't you come home?"

"Wasn't it because Gao Zixiang and them just had to pull me along with them to the hot springs resort." Jing Huan said, shifting the blame.

"If you yourself didn't want to go, could Zixiang get you to go anywhere?" Mama Jing twirled her pen and raised her eyebrows. "Be honest now, have you been dating someone recently?"

Jing Huan didn't even have to think before responding, "No, how could that be possible…"

"Then, what are you so busy with recently?" Mama Jing began to list out her evidence. "You used to call me once a week. Yet, how long has it been since this semester started, and how many times have you called me?"

I'm busy trying to get a slag man to fall in love with me.

Jing Huan replied, "I had things I was busy with, I'll call you every day from now on."

"Every day isn't necessary, that's too troublesome." Mama Jing glanced at the calendar on the table. "Next month, on the eighth, I'll go see you with your dad."

"Okay, you can come whenever you want." Jing Huan asked, "Do you want me to come pick you up at the station?"

"No need. We'll drive there and go sightseeing on the way for a few days. Your dad has already booked the hotel room."

"…" Really, I'm the one who's 'on the way' ba.

After hanging up, Jing Huan slowly turned on the computer. Just after logging into WeChat on the PC, he saw 99+ message notifications in the guild group chat.

He had gotten used to it. There were more than 200 chatty people in this guild, each one chattier than the next. Within one class period, they could have typed out over 100 lines in the chat.

Jing Huan logged into the game and clicked on the chat box at the top of his friends list to send a message.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Gege, I'm here. [blows a kiss]

This process had already become his habit.

NCH's friends list was sorted by intimacy. The higher the intimacy score, the higher the position on the list. In the game, for every battle you fight together in a team with someone, the intimacy score would add +1, and so Jing Huan's highest intimacy score was with Yearning For.

Their intimacy score had already reached 3300.

It was even enough to get married.

Jing Huan leaned back in his chair and lazily typed.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Gege, we're already at an intimacy score of 3300, when will you marry me and take me home with you ah.

[Friend] Yearning For: I have a 9999 intimacy score with Long Road Ahead.

9999 was the upper limit of intimacy scores among ordinary friends. Unless you were married, no matter how many battles you fought together, your score was capped at 9999.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: But it's not like he can marry you. Even if we go by lining up, I should still be first! [pounds table]

[Friend] Yearning For: Come do instances.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Come marry me.

[Friend] Yearning For: The main city transporter.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Old Moon Temple, Yuelao.

[Friend] Yearning For: Be good.

Half a minute later, the little fox fairy reluctantly walked to the main city transporter.

As soon as he entered the team, he heard Love is For You to Eat and Long Road Ahead chatting.

"How come I haven't seen you collect God of War materials recently?" Love is For You to Eat asked.

"Great Aunt, please don't talk about the God of War with me at this time." Long Road Ahead said. "I'll go to the Valley of Falling Flowers and jump off a cliff and commit suicide if it gets mentioned again."

Jing Huan said thoughtfully, "If you're going to jump off a cliff, it'd actually be better to do it at Boundless Peak. You have to jump off a cliff twice to die in the Valley of Falling Flowers, but once would be enough at Boundless Peak."

"I tip you off every day, and you still treat me like this. Xiao Jingjing, you have a very cruel heart," Long Road Ahead complained

Jing Huan hurriedly explained, "I was just making a suggestion. It's just that I can't bear to watch you jump twice… "

"Tip-off?" Xiang Huaizhi repeated.

Becoming aware of the leak, Lu Hang coughed and changed the topic. "What, we're still missing a person, I'll go get one ba. We need to find another regular teammate quickly, bringing in some wild random person is always uncomfortable."

Xiang Huaizhi knew that eight out of ten of the tips being reported were related to him, but he was too lazy to care. "En."

He opened his equipment stats, just wanting to check the remaining durability of his equipment, when a prompt popped up.

[Kiss Kiss Fish Fish has added you as a friend.]

Xiang Huaizhi didn’t care. Adding friends was one-sided; as long as he didn’t add them back, they wouldn’t be a part of his friends list.

He often received dozens of notifications of people adding him as a friend every day, so he had long gotten used to it.

Yet as a result, within seconds, the other party sent him a message.

[Stranger] Kiss Kiss Fish Fish: Xiang Huaizhi!!!

[Stranger] Yearning For: ….

Xiang Huaizhi opened up Kiss Kiss Fish Fish's profile: level capped female warrior, the guild field was blank, and she didn't even have any apparel. Just looking at it, it seemed like an account just bought from the exchange.

Even using his feet, he could guess who this was.

Long Road Ahead roared out into the world channel, and many players added him. He spent some time looking through his temporary friends and asked, "What sect should we call over? Healer, DPS, or CC?"

Love is For You to Eat: "Call over a DPS, two DPS will kill faster."

"OK…"

"Don't call anyone." Xiang Huaizhi interrupted them. "I have someone coming over."

As soon as those words came out, everyone was stunned.

Jing Huan was originally playing with his cellphone on his waist cushion, but when he heard that, his nerves immediately tensed up, and he sat up straight.

Who could Yearning For call over?

Didn't they say he had no friends….

Lu Hang was also startled. "Who ah?"

Xiang Huaizhi didn't answer. "Make me team leader."

Lu Hang gave him the position of team leader, and Yearning For led his team into the wild.

They walked all the way to Senluo Temple, one of the advanced maps in NCH.

Senluo Temple was a level 150 wild map with fierce wild monsters, and the rewards were only a little better than that of other full-scale maps. Players rarely chose to grind for experience here, so there were wild monsters everywhere on the map. Just walking two steps could trigger a battle.

Jing Huan couldn't help asking, "Gege, where are we going now?"

"Picking someone up."

Five minutes later, Jing Huan finally saw another player besides them on the map.

It was a female warrior. She was empty handed and had no equipment on her. She was wearing the most primitive clothes in the game, and at her waist hung the unique symbol of female warriors—a scabbard.

She stood still among several monsters.

The rest of the team also saw her, and Long Road Ahead murmured, "Rushing in naked to this wild map, isn't that just seeking death? It's not even as fun as me jumping off the Valley of Falling Flowers…"

[Kiss Kiss Fish Fish has joined the team.]

Lu Hang: "…"

"Xiang… Gege!" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish thought of Xiang Huaizhi's earlier threat, and only called out half of his name before switching and blaming him. "Why are you so slow! I was almost pecked to death by these crows! If you still hadn't come, you would have to pick me up at the rebirth point!"

Gege…

The two onlookers in the team couldn't help but glance at Xiao Tianjing.

"Who told you to stand there?" Xiang Huaizhi said.

Jing Huan's heart sank.

What was going on ah.

How could you just accept her calling you Gege ah!

"Well, then what was I supposed to do! I appeared here as soon as I logged in, was that intentional by the original owner of this account?" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish replied angrily, "I don't have a flying talisman or any blue transporters, so I couldn't leave at all. It's really too much! "

Xiang Huaizhi led his team back to the transporter. "What are you doing in this server?"

"Looking for you to play with ah. The guild in my server has been disbanded, and it's no fun."

"I don't have time to play with you."

"You do. I don't care, I'll follow you anyway!"

Only after Kiss Kiss Fish Fish let a "hmph" sound did she then greet the team. "Hello everyone ya, thank you for usually taking care of my Gege, and in the future we can all play together~"

What's this ah?

What's with this imperial palace-like speech ah!!

Jing Huan stared at Yearning For's avatar and almost stared straight through him. The other party still didn't make any protest against Kiss Kiss Fish Fish calling him "Gege."

Lu Hang's side was quiet for a long time before he said, "Okay, let's all play together later."

"Gege, my account doesn't have any equipment, buy me some." Kiss Kiss Fish Fish said very soon after.

"Buy it yourself," Xiang Huaizhi said with an indifferent tone.

"I've reached my monthly limit, just buy it for me!" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish said in a spoiled tone, "After you buy it for me, I'll listen to whatever you say!"

Jing Huan sneered.

Save it, sister. I've already used this trick until it's completely worn out and rotting.

If Yearning For could fall for that, Laozi would have already birthed an entire nest of children for him…

"You'll listen to whatever I say?"

Yearning For hesitated and repeated what she said.

?

Hesitated?

Laozi won't allow you to hesitate, you bastard!

"Whatever you say!" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish said, "If you say one, I won't say two! You say go left, I definitely won't go right! You say… "

"Put everything in the shopping cart," Xiang Huaizhi didn't want to hear her flattery and coolly interrupted her, "And then send me the link."

Jing Huan: "…"

Fuck!

What was going on ah?!

Jing Huan felt like the milk tea he was drinking was suddenly not that sweet anymore.

Love is For You to Eat quickly sent him a private chat to ask him where this sacred Kiss Kiss Fish Fish came from and if he had heard of her before.

Jing Huan didn't reply because he was a bit bewildered.

Why was it like they were old friends reuniting?

Why were they already like Gege and Meimei??

Why was he willing to just pay for her entire shopping cart??!!

"Gege, I've chosen everything. Buy it quickly, only after buying it can I do instances with you!" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish was back really quickly. The time taken was not nearly enough for her to browse through all the equipment, she must have prepared her list a long time ago.

Yearning For responded, "Okay, take it."

A few seconds later, the female warrior in the team had gained a lot of equipment, and they were all glowing with purple light.

A whole purple outfit, at least worth five figures.

Jing Huan wasn't calm at all now.

He quickly opened up Yearning For's chat box.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Gege, who is she ah….

[Friend] Yearning For: Meimei.

Without any hesitation, the reply arrived in less than three seconds.

Jing Huan was immediately incensed.

What Meimei! Why is it another Meimei! Why do you have so many Meimei!!!

And saying it so straightforwardly!!

Fuck ah! You slag man!! Die! Die for me!!!

Jing Huan furiously slammed the keys on the keyboard, typing out all the curses he had learned in this lifetime into the chat box.

After typing out 100 words, he took a deep breath and calmly deleted them all.

No, he couldn't fall short here.

But he was really angry.

Jing Huan felt that he had never been so angry. He felt as if a great weight was pushing down on his chest, a depressing feeling rampaging around inside of him.

The little fox fairy in the team suddenly stood still. Xiang Huaizhi raised his eyebrows and was just about to remind him to move.

[Friend] Xiao Tianjing: Behind every successful man, there can only be one Meimei. — Lu Xun.

[Friend] Yearning For: ?

[Friend] Yearning For: Lu Xun never said that.

[Friend] Yearning For: What do you mean?

[Friend] Yearning For: ?

The quip sank like a stone into the sea, and Xiang Huaizhi frowned. Was he busy and afking?

Just as he was about to type, Lu Hang first opened his mouth. "Everyone get ready, the boss is about to arrive."

"Wait a bit, the Fairy Fox Cave isn't here." Xiang Huaizhi said.

Okay.

This "Fairy Fox Cave" enraged and energized Jing Huan to new heights.

"I'm here," he said, holding his breath.

Xiang Huaizhi frowned. "Why didn't you reply."

"I… just came back, "Jing Huan said, instinctively saying next, "Gege."

He regretted it as soon as he said it.

Calling him Gege, my ass!

"Gege?" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish blanked a bit then asked, "When you said Gege, are you referring to my Gege?"

"Yeah." Jing Huan said with a pause, "Can't I?"

Kiss Kiss Fish Fish asked, "Why do you call him Gege?"

That's what I want to ask you.

Jing Huan evenly laughed and turned the question around. "Why do you also call him Gege?"

"Why can't I call him Gege?" Kiss Kiss Fish Fish said, "He really is my Gege."

"What a coincidence," Jing Huan said, "He's also my Gege."

Kiss Kiss Fish Fish said doubtfully, "But the only Meimei he has is me ah…"

Jing Huan smiled angrily. "What, did you engrave that on his face? You wrote 'Kiss Kiss Fish Fish's exclusive Gege' there? No one else can actually call him that?"

Everyone in the team was stunned by all this Gege and Meimei talk. For a while, no one said anything.

Kiss Kiss Fish Fish was shocked and asked, "Ge, who is this person?"

Xiang Huaizhi seemed to now kind of understand what was going on.

But he wasn't sure.

After a while, he hesitated and said, "Kiss Kiss Fish Fish is my Mei…"

Jing Huan angrily interrupted him, "I know she's your Mei!"

"Tangmei."

"So what if she's your tangmei? Whatever, you have so many Meimei, you don't need to introduce them to me one by one… " his voice came to an abrupt halt.

There was silence in the voice channel for a whole ten seconds.

Xiang Huaizhi knew that he had guessed right. He first thought it was funny and then slowly explained to Jing Huan.

"My father's younger brother's daughter."

Jing Huan: "…"

Do you have to explain?!

Haven't I gone to kindergarten?!

Jing Huan blushed. Remembering the conversation he had just had with Kiss Kiss Fish Fish, he wished he could crawl into a hole in the ground and close it up for the rest of his life.

He was so embarrassed that he subconsciously covered his face with his hands, and his cheeks were completely hot. "Oh, oh… hello cousin."

Xiang Huaizhi: "…"

—

Juurensha: ahahahaa Huanhuan, you're so jealous, and you have no idea what's going on. Meanwhile XHZ's cousin is probably just like ?????

Divi: Dying from second hand embarrassment. This is what happens when you call someone "older brother" and "younger sister" affectionately, even if you're cousins. Clearly this wouldn't have happened if you had just called your crush baby! Chinese just digging pits.

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