Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World



Chapter 140 – Florida Man Struck by Lightning While Fingering His 7-Year-Old Girlfriend

After putting the parasitic eyeballs into Esen's eye sockets, the parasites merged with her. The undead lich regained her eyeballs for the first time.

Esen blinked several times to get used to her new sense. She rubbed her brow as the vision was too pricky. At first, she stumbled back and forth as she couldn't maintain her body balance. A few minutes later, her pupils dilated as she finally adapted to the new organs.

"That wasn't necessary," Esen complained. "My Qi vision is much better. I can see everything around me without these eyes!"

Leo scoffed. As he already added her name to the tournament roster, he needed to make her look like a human child. Thus, sending her there without eyeballs might raise some eyebrows.

"I need you to disguise yourself as a human child and join that tournament I talked about. I can't send you there without an eye."

"Are you stupid?! They're gonna know! I'm even stronger than those so-called 'Celestial Kings' among the immortals!"

"…Celestial King? Is that a rank of the immortal tier?"

Esen flinched and frowned. She found Leo weird.

"Aren't you an immortal?"

"Mortals, immortals, I don't know dog crap about cultivation bases. Welp, if a celestial king like you can't beat me, you might as well call me Florida God!"

"…"

Esen tilted her head, but she remembered the feedback that she detected from Leo yesterday. At first, she thought that Leo was a weird immortal whose physique surpassed the limits of all celestial beings. However, upon realizing how clueless Leo was, she believed he was similar to the monster beasts.

Monster beasts relied on their instinct to grow stronger. They evolved their flesh and blood until they became invincible among their peers. Then, they came out from their nests to either find mates or expand their territory. Judging from the monster beast's nature, Leo strangely fit in the category.

Still, there was a contradiction to Esen's theory. Leo's body contained Qi and the essence that cultivators had. Someone like him couldn't possibly be a monster beast.

Esen was confused.

"What are you, really?"

Leo scoffed, "Like I said, I'm Florida God!"

"Yeah, right," Esen shook her head. She thought of him as a stupid brute. "Anyway, back to the topic, the tournament hosts will definitely detect my life core. I'm not even a monster beast or a cultivator. I don't have a beating heart or a dantian. They will find out."

"You don't have to worry about that. Hehehehe."

Leo ejected barrels of rejuvenating tea and yin fluid for Esen.

The yin fluid came from the mutated corpses that Leo collected from the Fatui Cult while the pinnacle-grade tea barrels were from the alchemy workshops. Leo had so many of them that he could splurge one or two for bribery.

"How about you drink that blood? You tried to suck my blood when we met."

"…I wanted your life force, not your blood."

"But don't you drink blood?"

"I do, actually. Well, since you insist…"

Esen had no idea what Leo was plotting. She opened the barrel of rejuvenating tea and swallowed several mouthfuls of it at once.

The onlookers gulped as they were aware of the effects. Nobody dared to stop her as they were afraid of Leo and Esen. They could only watch their interaction, waiting for the tea to start decreasing Esen's physical age.

CRACK

CRACK

Leo and everybody could hear Esen's skeletons and bones cracking. Esen's purple skin was lighter and brighter while her skinny arms and legs gained some mass.

Esen got a bit chubbier. She no longer looked malnourished.

The lich empress didn't stop drinking tea. She lifted the entire barrel and kept downing every drop as if they were delicious beer.

"PUHA!"

Finally, Esen emptied 50 liters of tea. She wiped her mouth and loudly burped. Then, she patted her round belly.

"That was good shit!"

Leo raised his eyebrows and gazed at Esen's physique. He also counted his fingers to calculate.

"100cc = 20 years. That was 50 liters, so 500 times 20. That's 10,000 years… How old are you again?"

Esen didn't pay attention to Leo and didn't hear his question, but she already opened the barrel of yin fluid. She lifted the 50-liter barrel and started drinking.

CRACK

CRACK

Esen never realized that her body slowly changed. Her bones never stopped cracking and reshaping while her skin gained a brighter color. From light purple, it turned dark green. From dark green, it faded into light yellowish.

Leo frowned as he wondered where all the liquid disappeared in Esen's body. A hundred liters of blood and tea entered her stomach, but nothing came out.

"BURP!"

Again, Esen finished her meal. She widely grinned.

"That really hit the spot. I feel alive!"

Leo pursed his lips and inspected Esen's current appearance. She looked no different than a Caucasian blond girl, but her pupils were glowing in crimson. Her signature vampire fangs were still there as well.

She reverted into a blond vampire, who was also a necromancer.

"Say, Esen. How old are you exactly?"

Esen licked her bloody fingers, "Dunno. I've stopped counting when it went over 5,000, but it's roughly 10,000ish."

"Hmm."

Curious, Leo checked Esen's lifespan status as he had never inspected her before.

.

Name: Esen Sydin IV

Age: 10,007

Remaining Lifespan: Null.

.

Leo was shocked. For the first time, he found someone without a life force!

"Zero lifespans? How the hell are you still alive?"

Esen also stared at the revelation of her exact age. When she noticed how old she was, she giggled.

"I'm quite accurate, ain't I? I told you I'm somewhat 10,000. Oh, per your inquiry, I was born an undead. UN-DEAD! I'm already dead, you idiot."

Leo had several questions in his mind. He also noticed the inconsistency of Esen's testimony and her current appearance.

She looked more like a living person than a lich. Moreover, Leo could faintly hear her heartbeat.

Pointing out his doubt, Leo told Esen, "Your heart is beating though."

"That's impossible. All my internal organs all rotted and decayed ages ago… wait, what?!"

Esen patted her chest as she sensed her heartbeat. In shock, he stared at Leo.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!"

"That's what I'm asking."

"…"

Both Esen and Leo were baffled. Esen was flabbergasted that she had a pulse like a living creature while Leo still wondered why she had "Null" as her lifespan.

Leo never studied computer languages, so he didn't know about the true meaning of "Null". He scratched his head.

Even though both couldn't understand how these happened, Leo achieved his goal as nobody should suspect Esen of her age and race now.

"Anyway, congrats for coming back to life?" Leo dryly laughed.

"This is not funny! I'm an undead! I'm supposed to be dead and alive!"

"Just turn off your brain and accept reality, really. It's easier to skip the first four stages of grieves than go through all five at once. It's bad for mental health."

"But I should be dead!"

Leo deeply sighed as Esen could sometimes be annoying and loud. He patted her head as usual, "Just treat it as a gift or a miracle. Oh, I forgot to ask you. You said that you were born an undead. Then, how the hell did you grow up?"

"Get your hand off me, peasant!" Esen swatted Leo's hand off her hand and yelled. "When I said I was born undead, I meant it! When I came to my senses, I was already an undead!"

Leo noticed another clue from her words. He had a hypothesis that Esen was once a human, but she was resurrected by something. After all, she had a surname, and her family seemed to have a long lineage.

"So, you don't remember anything when you're a human?"

"I was never a human!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course! The previous lich emperor raised me before he ascended."

"Mhm. So the previous lich emperor raised you and the first thing you saw was him, right?"

"How did you know?"

"Mhm. I think I get the picture…"

Leo was sure that Esen was once a human, but she was resurrected as an undead, which was the reason she never had a lifespan. Moreover, it would explain why she looked like a child. As zombies or undead creatures shouldn't be able to grow up, she might have gotten stuck in her previous human form for 10,000 years without realizing it.

After coming to a revelation, Leo kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to ruin the girl's feelings.

Unfortunately, Leo forgot something important. It had been 30 seconds since he last touched Esen while she had a mortal physique.

"KYAAAAAA!!"

Suddenly, Esen screamed. Her blood and flesh swelled and moved in her body like a snake.

"GEEZER, HELP!"

Leo was also shocked. He had touched Esen several times, but his cancer cells never did anything to her. He was baffled by how the mutation happened after all their interactions.

He rushed back to the alchemy workshop, where he had ordered the mannequins to make elixir grain pills to educate the alchemy team. He picked up a handful of pinnacle-grade elixir pills on the way back.

.

Pinnacle-Grade Elixir Grain Pill

- Satisfy the hunger for 480 days.

- Increase metabolism and regenerative abilities for 100 days.

- Increase lifespan by 200 years.

- Increase all five elements Qi by 200 years' worth of cultivation.

.

That was Leo's only healing pill among his merchandise. He returned to Esen's side and shoved a pill down her throat.

"COUGH!"

Because of Esen's small throat, the pill got stuck.

"Dammit. Err, what do I do… Oh, right. I can do that! Sorry, brat!"

Leo tried to stick his finger into her throat to push it. However, his skin touched directly to her tongue and mouth, causing to mutation to quicken.

Realizing his mistake, Leo's brain malfunctioned. He panicked.

"Dammit. Not like this!"

As Leo no longer thought properly, he pointed his finger into her mouth and fired a stream of water directly.

Because of the water, the elixir pill entered her stomach at long last. Esen was no longer choking, but the mutation already reached every part of her body.

"Geezer…"

Esen's teary eyes gazed at Leo. She reached out to touch him.

"…Help."

"…"

Leo was desperate. He pulled her into a hug and kissed her forehead.

"Endure, Esen. Your cells are evolving, but they are rebelling against you. You must show them who the boss is and suppress them with your willpower. When they submit to you, you will evolve like me!"

"…"

Esen's swelling body trembled while tears rolled down her cheek. For the first time in her life, she was afraid of death.

The mutation process was too painful.

RUMBLE

As if heaven bullied them, lightning tribulation clouds gathered above Esen and Leo. The sky turned dark.

The onlookers looked up and noticed the orange lightning bolts in the sky. The disciples and sanctuary maidens opened their mouths in astonishment while Hua Jiashan and Dongfang Mei were flustered.

"ORANGE HEAVEN TRIBULATION! EVERYBODY, RUN! GET AWAY FROM LORD FLORIDA MAN!"

Leo also looked up. He recognized the orange lightning clouds well. However, he was not in the mood to entertain heaven.

As Leo had learned how to use Qi, he pointed his finger at the clouds. Then, he commanded.

"Metal rod."

WHOOSH

A steel beam appeared from Leo's finger and flew toward the clouds. As soon as it touched the orange clouds, a lightning bolt struck.

BOOM

The lightning bolt was a chain lightning. It passed through the steel beam and came for Esen!

Leo deeply exhaled and threw a punch toward the incoming lightning bolt.

"Fine. You win. SERIOUS FLORIDIAN PUNCH!"

The fist generated a wide sonic boom ripple and compressed air. It also produced a black lightning bolt, flying toward the incoming heavenly tribulation.

The black lightning consumed the orange lightning. It flew upward and hit the orange clouds.

BOOOOM

The tribulation clouds dispersed! Just like that, Leo canceled the heaven's tribulation with a superior heaven's tribulation lightning bolt.

That was not all. The black lightning bolt shot in a straight line like a laser beam. It pierced through the atmosphere and disappeared into space.

The thunder was so loud that everybody below covered their ears and screamed. Even Hua Jiashan's eardrums ruptured as he couldn't withstand the noise. As for the rest, they either fainted or vomited blood.

MUNYA!

WOOF!

Followed by the loud thunderbolt, two of the statue guardians activated their domain abilities. Light beacons shone upon the critically injured disciples, elders, and Hua Jiashan.

Their destroyed eardrums were instantly healed. Some of the fainted disciples regained their senses.

One of the light beacons also shone upon Esen and Leo. The latter could hear the black-winged angel's voice.

"Master, that girl needs your virgin yang to balance her overwhelming virgin yin. Give her your blood, and she should be fine."

Leo heard the tips. He nodded and bit his fingertip.

Unfortunately, his blood cells misunderstood him and instantly healed the wound.

"Dammit. I need some of you. Don't heal my wound!"

In frustration, Leo bit other parts of his body to bleed. After cutting his wrist, his transparent blood finally came out.

Leo gently poured his blood into Esen's small mouth. However, she didn't react or swallow his blood.

"…"

Annoyed, Leo pried open her mouth and squeezed his wrist to drop the transparent blood into her throat. But again, she couldn't swallow it. Esen's mutation reached the critical stage, and she couldn't move or talk anymore.

"Sorry, but I ain't a romantic dude. Make do with these, okay?"

Instead of kissing her and inserting his tongue like a cliché romance story, Leo pointed his finger into her mouth and fired a pressured water stream at her throat again, forcing the collective blood in her mouth to go down.

It worked. Esen swallowed his blood. However, her eyes reddened as if she was angry at something.

"What? You drank my blood. Isn't it enough?" Leo scoffed at her.

Five minutes later, Esen's condition got better. The swelling flesh and limbs reverted to normal even though some parts were twisted. Her arms, legs, and body got slightly bigger, but it would take a while for her to heal.

Leo was happy that Esen made it through the tough part. He could only wait for the girl to finish her evolution and obtain a new physique. He put the injured girl to her bed.

Although Esen was in a bad condition, her eyes still rotated around as she had been observing Leo. Her throat vibrated as she tried to talk.

"…You fool!"

Leo snickered, "You're welcome."