Florida Man's General Store in Cultivation World



Chapter 138 – Middle-Aged Florida Men Identified as Teenagers Participate in School Sports Tournament

Leo snapped his fingers, and the cloth shop's mannequin came out carrying a hundred suits, shirts, pants, belts, leather shoes, socks, and neckties.

The tailor automaton had been working on this project for the past week. After receiving Leo's samples, she made these clothes a priority. She also made them in different sizes so that people of all physiques could enjoy wearing these precious treasures, which were made from Leo's dead cancer cells and elemental essence.

Leo explained.

"These clothes will not be just a staple uniform of our domain, but they will serve as your armor! They are made from my goddamn blood and skin, so no trashy young masters or princes of some clans can possibly harm you if you wear these!"

"!!!"

Gao Yan and the male disciples dropped their jaws while the clothing store girls were elated. Although the girls couldn't contribute to the tailoring process, they were proud to be on the tailor's team.

Although the clothes provided absolute protection against physical attacks, they were omnipotent. Leo brought out his trusty paper fan and lightly tapped Gao Yan's head to warn everybody.

"Well, all participants will be wearing these clothes, so it's impossible for them to get injured. But that doesn't mean you will be invincible. If you're stupid enough and get hit in the head, you can still kick the bucket!"

"…"

Gao Yan gazed at Leo and repeatedly nodded. The others also came back to their senses and imagined how they could kill someone with a similar cloth armor.

Imagination often brought fear and anxiety. Gao Yan broke a sweat and rubbed his face with his hand, wondering how he would protect his head in a fight.

Still, Gao Yan protested. He still had an imposter syndrome.

"S-Senior Florida Man. I-I'm an alchemist. I haven't been training in combat lately. I-I think joining the tournament with my current foundation and strength is a bit-"

PA!

Leo smacked Gao Yan's head with his paper fan. The latter's face was slammed to the ground.

"You're on the list, silly brat! Do you think teenage nascent soul cultivators are cabbages?! You just have to show yourself in public, and your opponents will either forfeit or crap their pants! Be confident!"

"…"

Wu Buyi giggled as he felt the same way. The other golden core elders and deacons also nodded in agreement.

Everybody had been thinking of Gao Yan as a hidden genius of the Life Sword Sect. Even Hua Jiashan was proud that Gao Yan reached this far.

Leo proceeded with the roster of the participants.

"Next up, Yao Qiqi!"

"EH!?"

Xu Nuan was stunned as they never expected Yao Qiqi to be on the list as she was too young. Moreover, she hadn't been trained in martial arts.

"Sir!" Xu Nuan protested, "I think it's too much. I know that Yao Qiqi is one of the few geniuses in our domain, but she isn't cut for serious competition and combat tournaments! Please reconsider!"

Looking at Xu Nuan's expression, Leo chuckled. He glanced at the dao avatar behind Yao Qiqi, whose eyes met with his. The latter slightly nodded, affirming that she and Yao Qiqi had no issues.

"Xu Nuan. Can tamers use their beasts or monsters in the past tournaments?"

Xu Nuan flinched. She bit her lower lips and nodded, "Yes, sir. We can, but each tamer can only use one monster beast according to the rules."

"There you have it," Leo burst into laughter. Then, he shouted. "CAT! GET OVER HERE!"

As soon as Leo's voice echoed, Cat leaped out of her granary home and landed on top of his head. She quickly climbed down and kissed him by swallowing half of his body into her mouth.

"Nom-Nom Meow?"

"…"

Leo stood still as he didn't expect the obnoxious chomper to kiss him again. He could feel her tongue licking his face, neck, and nape, eating his dead skin and sweat.

Quietly and calmly, Leo pushed Cat's mouth off his head. As usual, Cat's bad breath got stuck on his hair and his skin. Her slimy saliva dripped all over his face and body.

"Hmm?"

When Leo managed to get out of Cat's mouth, he deeply frowned. In front of him, everybody's shoulders trembled while they sucked their libs into their mouths, holding back their laughter.

Their reaction reminded Leo of a scene in a drama series. While having a solemn expression, Leo uttered.

"Everyone, do you know a lollipop?"

"W-What's that, sir?" Xu Nuan tried her best not to laugh, but she averted her eyes when she noticed that Cat's saliva still dripped on Leo's head.

"It's a candy for kids. In my world, every kid loved lollipops."

"…"

"Lollipops came with a stick and a round candy on top. Kids always sucked them and lick them."

"…Pfft."

"I wonder, Xu Nuan. Should I change my Daoist name from Florida Man to Lollipop Man? This stupid plant is treating me like a candy."

"PUHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Xu Nuan broke her stoic demeanor first and broke into laughter. As soon as one started laughing, the others stopped holding back. Only Leo remained expressionless.

Calmly and coldly, Leo turned around and pried Cat's mouth open. Then, he tossed Xu Nuan into Cat's mouth and ordered the plant.

"Don't eat her. Just lick her like you licked me!"

"No Nom-Nom Meow?"

"No Nom-Nom! I'll give you another nom-nom meow later, okay?"

"Meow <3"

Cat complied. She produced a pond of saliva in her mouth and licked the old lady for a whole minute. Then, she spat her out.

Xu Nuan came out drenched in transparent slimy juices. Her face was green, and her smiling face disappeared.

Dongfang Mei and the girls stopped laughing and rushed to see their elder's condition. But before they reached her, Xu Nuan vomited.

She wasn't injured. However, Cat's stinky saliva got into her mouth, and she couldn't take it.

Leo turned his attention to the crowd. He groaned, "Anybody finds this funny?"

Hua Jiashan and the men shook their heads. They didn't want to be eaten to get into a similar situation as they had seen enough.

Because the crowd was intimidated, Leo walked closer to Wu Buyi and the swordsmen. He let them inhale the stinky slimy saliva up close.

As Leo had expected, their faces turned green as well. They held their breaths and pinched their noses in disgust.

"You still think this is funny?"

"N-No, Lord Florida Man. Never!" Han Hao repeatedly shook his head.

"Good."

Leo turned around and raised his arm. Then, he pointed his palm toward his head.

ZAAA

By using water Qi, Leo created a stream of water to wash away Cat's saliva.

After cleaning himself, Leo continued his announcement. He looked at Yao Qiqi, who covered her mouth and tried not to laugh.

"Yao Qiqi will participate in the tournament as a tamer. Cat will serve Yao Qiqi as her temporary pet to fight!"

Yao Qiqi widely smiled and looked at Cat. The latter also widely grinned as she expected a lot of food as a reward.

With two members on the roster, Leo continued picking other members. But instead of choosing a disciple of the Life Sword Sect or the sanctuary, Leo called someone else over.

"P.Hub! R.34! Come here!"

Leo called the unicorn elder and a converted unicorn, aka Esen's nightmare.

A tall white unicorn and a black horse leaped from the barn to the front of the store. They stood side by side.

Looking at these 9th-stage monsters, everybody closed their mouths as they respected these guardian beasts. They were glad that all beasts here were their allies.

The nightmare silently stared at Leo with dull eyes, waiting for instruction. On the other hand, P.Hub tilted his head in confusion.

Leo consulted with them as they were the leader of their team. He could have called Taxi, but that guy was too immature.

"Is there anyone among you that can transform or disguise as a human? Preferably someone under 18 years old."

R.34 snorted and turned around. A few seconds later, another black unicorn came over. However, it was half as big as their leader.

"Oh, you. Isn't you… Ricardo?"

The small nightmare had a nametag necklace on it. Leo named him "Ricardo" after a famous meme, but he forgot about it.

Jordi nodded and gazed at Leo. He glanced at R.34 and talked to each other via telepathy.

A few seconds later, Ricardo nodded. He closed his eyes for a moment.

CRACK

Ricardo's bones and flesh deformed and changed. His size shrank, transforming into a human. A minute later, he finished morphing and became a thin boy.

Because of his thin lips, brown skin, and his unique facial shape, he looked like a brown Brazilian. Although he was short, his muscle was so refined that he looked like a young bodybuilder.

Although the transformation was completed, Ricardo lacked something important.

Leo and everybody looked down by reflex. The girls squealed while the men's expression turned dark, envious of his absolute unit of a horse.

"…Put on the clothes, Ricardo. Also, shrink that thing. It's going to distract the girls."

"…"

Because of Ricardo's physique, he was sent to the clothing store to let the automaton make custom clothes for him.

As Ricardo managed to disguise as a teenage cultivator, he was fit to be the third member of the roster. However, his cultivation base was an issue. He had the strength of a 7th-stage monster, aka a soul transformation cultivator.

It was too high-profile. Hua Jiashan and others were certain that many people might find him suspicious. Still, Leo ignored all logic and went through with it anyway since he had no intention of letting Yan Xiang kill his people during the competition.

"Next, P.Hub, where is your guy?"

P.Hub nodded and turned around. As soon as everybody followed the horse's gaze, they found Taxi.

"Smash?"

The perverted unicorn grinned. A few seconds later, he polymorphed into a bald European white guy with a muscular physique. However, he looked a lot older than Ricardo.

He looked like Johnny Sinn instead.

"DAMN!"

Leo snickered and shook his head. He waved his hand and chased Taxi away.

"Thanks for the effort, but no. You're too old for this crap. P.Hub, choose someone else."

Taxi pouted, but he didn't give up. He glanced at Gao Yan for a moment and smirked. The next moment, he shapeshifted again.

This time, he copied Gao Yan's look and physique, except for his unit.

"KYAAAA!!"

Because of the similar physique and faces, the girls squealed harder while they covered their eyes. However, they peeked through their eyes to check on the horse part.

Gao Yan's eyes were teary. He also stared at the THING in envy.

"…Ugh."

Leo facepalmed. He deeply sighed.

"Okay, you pass. You're the fourth!"

Dongfang Mei and the elders blankly stared at Leo for his blatant cheating. They prayed for the youngsters that they wouldn't fight these two monsters.

However, Leo wasn't finished. He called another thump card.

"Esen! Where are you?! Come here for a second!"

"…"

Hua Jiashan and others gave up. Their dull eyes and their faint smiles became lifeless as they accepted everything.

Leo downright planned to cheat the event. 

.

.

In the end, Dongfang Mei and Hua Jiashan convinced Leo to change his mind. They ended up selecting two female disciples from the sanctuary to act as tamers and picked Taxi and Ricardo as their tamed beasts. As for Esen, she remained as the fifth member.

After completing the roster, Leo moved on to the next topic.

He brought out four lightsaber hilts from his spatial ring. While holding three of them in his left hand, his right hand flipped on the switch and showed them the beauty of a sci-fi weapon.

A screeching sound of the lightsaber itched everybody's teeth. But when it radiated a bright green laser stick from the handle, the crowd widened their eyes in astonishment.

"S-Sword Qi?!" A disciple gulped.

"No. That's not a sword Qi!" Tiger Swordsman's mouth was parch as he got excited, "That's something else! The sword is brimmed with elemental energy! Isn't that the average amount of a quasi-immortal's internal Qi?!"

Hua Jiashan was in awe. He stroked his chin and nodded, "It's an artifact that produces pseudo-sword Qi of a quasi-immortal cultivator. From the looks of it, it doesn't consume the user's Qi at all! Lord Florida Man, did you make that?"

Leo snorted, "Like hell I could. I got these from the mystic realm. Also, as you know, that brat Gao Yan also has one, but it's inferior to mine."

Gao Yan blushed and lowered his head while everybody stared at the former. Because Gao Yan used his lightsaber too often, everyone was aware that he got his hands on an amazing artifact. The only reason that no one made a fuss was because of Gao Yan's current cultivation base, which was the same as the elders.

Before anybody questioned Gao Yan or Leo, the latter turned off the lightsaber and tossed one to Hua Jiashan. The other three went to Han Hao, Han Meng, and Tiger Swordsman accordingly.

"Those swords will be the signature of our swordsmen. Because it's too strong to be entrusted to youngsters, only you four can have them."

The other golden core elders and deacons looked at the four in envy. Even Xu Nuan and Dongfang Mei were jealous of them.

But Leo dropped a bomb, which made the four swordsmen anxious.

"I gave you the swords so that you can protect everybody here when I'm away. Oh, don't forget the guns that I made you practice using them. They will come in handy!"