i'm not a bad man

Chapter 327 Lanzhou Lanzhou
A dead person told me at the end of the letter that everything would slowly get better. This pulling feeling turned into endless pain in an instant, swallowing me up in an instant. I couldn't digest this pain. All I could think of was Everything seems to have been frozen by a heavy snowfall. All that is left in my world is gray. I cannot recall or look forward to the future...

Until Heizu opened his mouth, he was not as painful as me, but he was still very painful. He didn't seem to be seeking dialogue, he just said: "She...how could she leave?...Two years ago, we met in Lanzhou When...she...didn't look sick at all...she was so enthusiastic and took my then girlfriend around the streets...When I recall those days in Lanzhou, the first thing I thought of was that she was in the Yellow River On the side, there is a funny scene of holding a bunch of candied haws in one hand... so youthful and energetic... only two years... only two years!"

Heizu's words finally opened up my memories. I remembered that scene. It was probably the happiest period of our time on the road. Because we met Heizu and his girlfriend at the time, we were very attracted to each other, so we made friends together. I played like crazy for more than a week, and it was rare during those days that I rekindled my desire to sing...

That evening, by the Zhongzhou Bridge in Lanzhou, with the encouragement of Luan Yu and Hei Zu, I finally picked up my long-lost guitar... That day, I wore a denim vest, Martin boots, sunglasses, a peaked cap, and a short shoulder-length hair. She had long hair, dressed up in a very rock-and-roll style, and of course she sang a very rock-and-roll song...

"Lanzhou, always go out in the early morning; Lanzhou, the warm drunkenness at night; Lanzhou, the endless water of the Yellow River flows eastward; Lanzhou, the end of the road is the entrance to the sea..."

I am a person who likes to roar when I get emotional, so I sang that song with climaxes, and Luan Yu also became crazy and noisy in my out-of-control emotions... She stood in the crowd , holding a candied haws I bought from nowhere, jumping to my rhythm... It was a late spring without snow, but catkins were flying in the wind, the Yellow River was surging, and some people in the crowd were walking with beer bottles. Stopping and walking constitutes my image of the city of Lanzhou and her. After Luan Yu left me, this scene has never occurred to me...

Thinking of it, I drank, got drunk, and drank until I lost all my emotions. I passed out drunk in a bar or on the street.

……

There are photos. Blackfoot's girlfriend at the time took the scene with her mobile phone that day and shared it in the chat group of the four of us. I saved it.

I picked up my phone like crazy and looked for that photo, but I could no longer find any photos related to Luan Yu in my photo album. Those photos were all cleared by me on a night when I hated her. It’s over, just like when I threw away the set of vinyl records she gave me on the beach in May Fourth Square, there is no trace of her ever existing in my life...

I stood still again, like a weathered stone, peeling off bit by bit, falling bit by bit into the abyss of regret... I knew what she wanted from beginning to end, and I never gave her a home where she could stop wandering...

I fainted again. I don’t know whether it was the recurrence of the injury or the body’s self-protection mechanism. The pain was to the extreme, more than ever before. I will never see this woman again. I only have memories. Let’s go together. Memories of 296 cities.

……

Two days later, in the evening, I returned to Qingdao.

Lu Xi complied with Luan Yu's last wish and there was no farewell ceremony for the body. After cremating the body that day, he sent it back to her hometown of Kunming, which is where I took her away. I did not chase her to Kunming, but just returned to Qingdao. As Luan Yu said in her letter, sometimes people don't know themselves well, so I don't know why I didn't go to Kunming to see her...

Perhaps, I haven't really accepted the fact that she has left forever.

……

On the beach of May [-]th Square, I faced the turbulent sea in despair. Luxi was standing beside me. It was here that I once stamped Luan Yu to pieces in front of Luxi and gave it to me. of vinyl records and threw them into the sea.

It’s hard for me to remember how I felt at that time. All that’s left in my heart is regret and remorse. I really want to know where that set of tattered records was eventually washed away by the sea.

I finally opened my mouth and asked Lu Xi beside me: "Why did you leave so fast? It's only been more than a month."

Lu Xi's voice also carried an indescribable sadness: "After returning to Qingdao, I did another more precise examination. It is acute myeloid leukemia, the most dangerous type of leukemia. The doctor has tried his best, and she has also tried her best. …But no one can change this result.”

"...Was it painful when she left?" "It wasn't very painful. The process only lasted a few minutes."

"Did you leave any last words?"

Lu Xi tucked her hair that was blown by the sea breeze behind her ears, finally looked at me, and replied: "She said that when you traveled to Hunan, you adopted a Miao couple as your godson. This Miao couple The couple's son was a firefighter who unfortunately died during a mission. The couple transferred all their emotions for their son to you. Therefore, she hopes that you can visit them when you are free. Don't Always ignore them... She also said, don't tell them the news that she is dead. If they ask, just say that she married abroad. Although she could not be with you in the end, she lived a happy life. "

"it is good."

Lu Xi nodded, and then took out a document bag from the bag he carried with him, handed it to me and said: "There is 8 yuan in it, which is part of Luan Yu's inheritance. She asked you to put this money into The money is given to your godfather and godmother. She said that she will never have the chance to fulfill her filial piety for you again. This is her last wish."

I took the document bag from Lu Xi's hand and stared at it for a long, long time: "Did she say anything about XJ?"

After Lu Xi pondered for a while, he shook his head and replied: "No."

"Never?"

"Never."

I fell into confusion. This was obviously her biggest regret, but not only did she not mention it to me in the letter, she didn't even mention XJ in her last words. Why didn't she say it?
"When are you going to visit your godfather and godmother?"

I turned to look at Lu Xi, and after a long time I replied: "I haven't gone to Kunming to see her yet."

"She said, you don't have to rush to Kunming to see her... wait until you feel that her departure no longer causes you pain, then you can go see her... or, after you are reunited with your parents, You are not so lonely anymore, you can also go see her and tell her the good news."

I raised my head to prevent tears from falling, but the wind on the beach was really too strong. When the wind blew, I couldn't help it even if I wanted to.

I finally spoke to Lu Xi, who had been waiting for my answer, and said, "I don't know when to go see them..."

"Remember to tell me when you want to go."

I looked at Lu Xi and didn’t know why she said that. She also shed tears and said to me with choked sobs: “She asked me to promise her that when you go to see your godfather and godmother, I must accompany you. Let's go together...I promised her, so..."

Lu Xi didn’t say any more, but I already understood why she cared so much about this matter.

Lu Xiyingfeng wiped away the tears in her eyes, then smiled again and said, "Luan Yu said that during the days when you were staying with your godfather and godmother, she always had the illusion that you really I gave her a home, with you and a pair of parents who love you... She was very happy when she said this, and she kept smiling."

Only then did I understand why Lu Xi smiled in tears. She wanted to restore Luan Yu's mood to me when she said these words.

(End of this chapter)