The Monk That Wanted To Renounce Asceticism

Panda Novel

“Fifth Zhao, do something sexual!” It was unknown who suddenly shouted that.

“Sexual acts are outdated. Fifth Zhao, do what the Pu Family Troupe does. Do something hot!”

…

A large bunch of people began jeering, and some people failed to notice that things were going bad and joined in the jeering, thinking that it added to the mood.

Fifth Zhao and his wife exchanged looks before finally saying, “Alright. Wait for us. We’ll put on some makeup!”

With that said, Fifth Zhao went backstage. He took quite long, and just as everyone was about to lose their patience, Fifth Zhao appeared. He wore a birthday hat typically given when a birthday cake was bought. He was draped in bedsheets and held a mop in his hand while walking out leisurely.

The moment Fifth Zhao’s wife saw his attire, she immediately knew what he was about to perform. She sighed helplessly and then smiled. “You idiot, you took all day and this is what you got? What’s that for?”

“Can’t you tell?” Fifth Zhao flicked the mop and asked.

“Nope, what’s that?”

“This Penniless Monk hails from the eastern Great Tang,” said Fifth Zhao proudly as he raised his head.

“Pa!” There was a loud slap from Fifth Zhao’s wife, which sent his hat flying. She berated him. “You can forget about that. You, as Tripiṭaka? I would believe it if you were the uncle of the white horse Tripiṭaka sat on!”

“Who was that?” Fifth Zhao asked as he picked up his hat and put it on again.

“A white dragon ass!”

Fifth Zhao: “…”

“Let’s change topics and be serious. Now you are the queen of Womanland, and I’m Tripiṭaka. You are trying to keep me from leaving Womanland,” said Fifth Zhao.

“Keep you from leaving? Why?” asked his wife, baffled.

“Well, why do you think? Why would a woman want a man to stay? Huh? Huh?” Fifth Zhao raised his eyelids a few times, giving a look everyone knew.

Immediately someone offstage whistled. “Strip!”

Fifth Zhao’s wife glared at the crowd. “What are you saying? I’m the queen of Womanland and have my integrity!” Then she turned around, and her eyes turned coquettish. “Aiyah, Enemy Tripiṭaka, don’t go. I still want to bear your monkey babies…”

“Stop!” Fifth Zhao suddenly requested a halt.

“What? Why?” asked his wife.

“I’m getting you to act as the queen of Womanland, not a vixen spirit. Can you be more professional? Also, there’s no need for monkey babies. This Penniless Monk has one already. It’s already irritating enough, so there’s no need for more.”

His wife rolled her eyes at him and redid the skit.

“Female Patron,” said Fifth Zhao.

“‘Sup?” replied his wife.

“Stop!”

“What now?”

“Tripiṭaka is heading southwest. Why do you speak in that manner? Huh? Is the queen of Womanland from another country? ‘Sup ? Tsk…”

“Then let’s do it again.”

…

“Female Patron, This Penniless Monk bids you farewell.”

“Where are you going?”

“To the Western Paradise.”

“Is that so? Women! Prepare a wreath and paper money for the master. Also fold two paper mache in the form of beautiful female spirits.”

“Stop! I’m going to the Western Paradise to receive the scriptures, not because I’m dying! Why the wreath and paper money? Am I that kind of person? But… Do make those female spirits beautiful when you fold them.”

“Why? Are you thinking of getting a mistress?” Fifth Zhao’s wife fumed as she said while she held her arms akimbo.

Fifth Zhao hurriedly said, “Dear, don’t treat it seriously. I’m just acting.”

“Oh, I nearly forgot. Continue…”

“Female Patron, This Penniless Monk really bids you farewell.”

“Brother Yudi ¹ , are you leaving just like this?”

“Yes.”

“Won’t you miss me?”

“Yes.”

“What will you miss?”

Fifth Zhao looked drooling at the queen’s chest and said matter-of-factly, “Buns…”

Pfft! Red Boy instantly spat out a mouthful of water, and there were kudos from the audience.

Fangzheng frowned his brows tightly. He was really at a loss seeing a classic be treated as a joke. He was unsure what to say, but he found if discomforting.

“Then, how many do you want?” the queen asked as though she hadn’t gotten the insinuation.

“Four, two white buns, and two with red dimples on them.”

“Pa!” The queen smacked him in the face.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed Fifth Zhao.

“Are you Tripiṭaka? You must be some sexual devil right? How can Tripiṭaka act like that?”

“Then what should Tripiṭaka be like?”

“What do you think? Anyway, it can’t be how you are acting now. Again!”

“Brother Yudi, bring along some traveling expenses for your long journey.”

“There’s no need. This Penniless Monk is on a journey westward. Along with This Penniless Monk is a circus troupe. There’s a monkey to walk, a pig to teach, and if times are really tight, Wujing ² can do some odd jobs such as washing clothes, boiling water, or carrying things. There’s no lack of money, only…”

“Only what?”

“The warmth of a woman in bed. So, can’t you give two of your palace maids?”

“F**k you, are you Tripiṭaka? Is there a worm in your head?”

“Why can’t I be Tripiṭaka? My attire comes straight from a second-rate goods store, so why can’t I be second-rate in my character?”

“Scram!” Fifth Zhao’s wife kicked him as Fifth Zhao slid two meters back while tumbling on the ground.

The audience gave their approbation, while someone shouted, “It’s not exciting enough! Fifth Zhao, do something more exciting!”

“Do one of those scenes the Pu Family Troupe does!”

“That’s right. Shout Daddy!”

“Aren’t wives meant to be publicly shared?”

“Haha…”

The people began stirring up trouble once again, causing the situation to be filled with chaotic jeers.

Although Fifth Zhao and his wife were wearing thick makeup, Fangzheng could tell that their expressions were somewhat unnatural.

Fifth Zhao said, “I don’t know the acts of the Pu Family Troupe.”

“Don’t say that! It’s because you don’t want to perform them, right? Isn’t this the same as insulting us? People paid you for a show, but you are acting this way? Who would dare hire you in the future? They might as well hire the Pu Family Troupe,” exclaimed someone.

Fifth Zhao’s face darkened immediately.

Fifth Zhao’s wife hurriedly went over and kicked him. “What are you thinking about? Perform whatever the audience wants. Let’s perform ‘The mouse enters the buttocks’.”

“That’s good! Haha!”

“Fifth Zhao, enter the buttocks!”

“Strip!”

“How do you enter the buttocks without stripping!”

…

Fifth Zhao and his wife exchanged looks and began performing through clenched teeth.

Fangzheng shook his head when he saw this. He had still been holding onto some hope in the beginning. Although Tripiṭaka’s skit was somewhat satirical, it did not go below any moral bottomline. But later on, there were no longer any morals to speak of. Although there was no real stripping in the end, the types of teasing and stark naked speech and actions became the same as that of the Two-people Rotation Fangzheng had seen back then. Fangzheng did not watch the rest. He lowered his eyelids and began reciting the scriptures silently.

Squirrel was so embarrassed he hid inside Fangzheng’s clothes and refused to come out. Lone Wolf sat there watching delightfully, growling from time to time.

Red Boy watched as his eyes nearly went all white. Clearly, he did not enjoy such gross performances.

Monkey followed Fangzheng in reciting the scriptures.

However that was only just the beginning. As the show continued, the level went from bad to worse.

Finally, Fangzheng could not tolerate it any further. He got up and left. Behind the school was a windbreaker forest. It was not a wide forest, and it only had three rows of birch trees. There were new treelings growing beneath the birch trees, and they were about a meter tall. As Fangzheng walked, he entered the forest and stood there, listening to the birds’ chirping, immediately feeling a lot better.

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