The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

Translator: imperfectluck  Editor: Kurisu

Dragons weren’t exclusive to the mortal plane. As one of the most ancient species, dragons could be found in countless dimensions all across the universe. Since the dragons in the mortal plane intentionally stayed away from humans in the current age, it would actually be easier to meet with dragons in other dimensions.

There were all sorts of myths and stories about what would happen if a human met a dragon. The end result would typically be that the main character would receive numerous benefits, such as high-quality weapons, the glory of slaying a dragon, dragonblood baptism, the beginning of a mythic quest, and so on.

In fact, since in knight stories the main character would always meet a dragon, and then use the dragon as a pedestal to greater glory, these characters typically joined the ranks of harem protagonists among clichés.

But for any normal adventurer who was traveling solo, meeting one of these big lizards would doubtlessly be nothing but misfortune.

Silver, gold, and the other metal dragons were rather easy to deal with. As long as you didn’t have a terrible reputation, it was likely that they would only prank you a little with their favorite jokes.

For instance, if you met with a silver or gold dragon, it was likely that the dragon would assign you a seemingly glorious quest. After you spent so much effort on completing it, you would then discover that the only reward was “glory”, with not a single copper coin as payment.

“We are dragons of justice, assigning quests to you tiny humans. That’s a sign of our respect already. You still want payment?”

And if you met a copper or bronze dragon, you had better hope that you were skilled at telling jokes and stories. Copper dragons had endless amounts of curiosity and would force any traveler to tell them every story and joke that the traveler knew. Meanwhile, it was even possible to die to the bronze dragons’ pranks if you didn’t have high enough skill in navigating mazes.

While meeting a metal dragon could be considered bad luck, your luck would be far worse if you met with a red, black, blue, or other color dragon.

The color dragons didn’t have any fancy tricks for dealing with any visitors to their territory. The color dragons would all respond in the same way—an unexpected ambush.

A valuable captive would become the dragon’s slave servant. A worthless captive would be eaten as food. A captive that wasn’t tasty would become food for the dragon’s subordinate magical creatures. The adventurer’s belongings would become the dragon’s loot, and the adventurer’s treasures would become the dragon’s treasure. Nothing would be wasted.

Hakas was a black dragon who had reached adult age more than two hundred years ago. He was the ruler of this patch of swamp.

When Hakas’s lizardmen slaves reported to him that a newcomer had arrived in his territory, Hakas was highly displeased when he heard that the lizardmen had given this newcomer the name “slayer of lizardmen” due to the newcomer’s slaughters.

This was because Hakas ruled over approximately one dozen lizardmen tribes. And, the lizardmen all addressed him as the “Lizardmen’s King”. Although Hakas didn’t actually like the nickname that the lizardmen had given him, it felt like a slap in the face for the newcomer to be called “slayer of lizardmen”.

Hakas had so many lizardmen subordinates not because he was fond of them, but rather because the lizardmen were one of the few species capable of at least the most basic communication here in the Dark Swamp of the 75th level of the Chaos Abyss.

Originally, Hakas should have personally gone out to show this newcomer the anger of the local ruler. But, there was a torrential stinky rain outside, so he didn’t want to go out… It definitely wasn’t because he was worried of actually losing that he was making his lizardmen test the newcomer’s power level first!

And so, Hakas sent his lizardmen subordinates to lure that newcomer into coming to his nest. Since Hakas was a member of the most intelligent color dragon species, the black dragons, he then used his species’ most famous trick—to lie in ambush for the enemy.

Still, he felt that his foolish lizardmen subordinates had done a surprisingly good job this time. They determined for him that this person was a human swordsman who relied only on pure swordsmanship, and that he had only recently entered Saint rank. Hakas felt that even if he went with a direct attack, he would be very likely to win. But, he was the cautious type who still chose to use the black dragons’ tradition of ambushing the enemy.

“We noble black dragons are different from other idiotic dragons. We use our brains. Why fight directly when we can win easily through an ambush?”

Obviously, this was a type of bias. All color dragons loved to use ambushes. Red dragons, who were more talented at flight, were masters of aerial ambushes. Red dragons would suddenly descend without any warning from above the clouds, giving even mega empires great headache.

In the blue dragons’ home terrain of deserts, the blue dragons would hide themselves in the sand. Thunderbolts or furious sandstorms would suddenly arise from beneath you without any warning. Even the most cautious warriors could be caught off guard by this. Meanwhile, the swift blue dragons would never miss a single opportunity.

Black dragons were more inclined to the swamp, so they excelled far more at swamp ambushes that were of guerilla style.

Black dragons would typically lie in wait under the swamp itself. Black dragons had a natural talent that allowed them to breathe underwater just like fish. And, the stench of the swamp would also help to hide the smell of corrosion that all black dragons carried. Black dragons also possessed natural talents to control mud and corrode any water, making them masters of swamp camouflage.

“Ha, we black dragons are the true kings of the swamp. When that fellow arrives, the lizardmen shall attack first and attract his attention. Then, I’ll suddenly jump out and kill him with a single dragonbreath attack. If he manages to dodge that attack, then I’ll use the transformation spell ‘Stone to Mud’ and turn all dry land into swamp, dragging him underwater.”

Black dragons’ slyness, cautiousness, and well-honed combat techniques would be passed down through the generations. Since dragons were capable both physically and magically, the combat techniques passed down in their bloodlines made all dragons into natural predators. They were far more suited to hunting by themselves out in the wild. Dragons that teamed up with each other were actually inhibiting their own combat potential instead.

Right now, while hidden underwater, Hakas tried his best to recall the last time that he had been lucky enough to enjoy the taste of human flesh. He started salivating when he thought of the fresh human meat about to arrive. Was it twenty, or was it fifty years ago that he had last tasted human meat?

“He’s here, he’s here!”

The arriving human’s footsteps would send vibrations though the water. Although it was impossible for even a black dragon to see through the murky water to above, Hakas possessed sharp senses like a radar that would help him lock onto his target’s exact location.

“…He stopped?”

That human stopped right before stepping into Hakas’s effective ambush radius, approximately twenty meters away.

No, not only did he stop, it also seemed that he was now sitting down. He was apparently talking to the cat on his shoulder.

Hakas swam up slightly and spent a significant amount of mana on improving his hearing. Finally, he was able to hear the human and the cat’s conversation…

“Shh~ Look at what I’ve found here? There’s a black dragon by himself here. Black dragons are known to be cautious. I should circle around and attack him from the rear…”

Hakas had a stunned expression as he knew that the human had detected him. He suddenly propelled himself forward while underwater and attempted to use a forceful direct attack rather than an ambush. But, halfway through the water, right as his neck emerged from the swamp, Hakas discovered that he was no longer able to move.

“Ice?”

Ice had started spreading inside the swamp. The muddy swamp transformed into blocks of ice and frozen earth. The ice was far more solid than expected. Hakas’s entire body was frozen underwater, together with the entire swamp. Only his head was left unfrozen, sticking out of the ice.

The trapped Hakas had no control over ice like a white dragon would. He was solidly restrained without being able to even move.

“…Black dragons are highly nutritious and provide a great number of calories. A single black dragon can provide enough calories for an entire year…”

Hakas didn’t give up as he spat out some toxic dragonbreath in green mist form. Just as Hakas thought that he had managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, the human continued speaking.

“…Heehee, I caught him! He’s really struggling! Ugh, he has stinky breath!”

The toxic mist dissipated to reveal that the blonde-haired man was slowly walking over without sign of a single injury. The man had a vicious smile on his face and kept talking to himself. Hakas despaired even more as he was still unable to break free from the ice by the time that the man arrived next to him.

The blonde-haired man kept looking at Hakas’s neck while holding a giant fork made of ice in his left hand and wielding a giant butcher knife made of ice in his right hand. He kept making motions over the black dragon’s neck.

“I’ll be able to eat him once I cut off the head! Crispy and tastes like chicken!”

“You’re a chicken, your entire family is chicken-flavored!”

Hakas was infuriated by the utter humiliation of being compared to chicken meat. But, all he saw was a huge fork of ice that was two meters tall piercing into him. This was the final thing that black dragon Hakas saw before he fainted. His final thoughts were filled with pity for himself.

“Father, your son Hakas has become the greatest disgrace of all dragons. I’m actually about to be eaten by a human.”

Twenty minutes later, we were now in Hakas’s warm and comfortable dragon nest, where countless lizardmen were hard at work, starting a fire and cooking food for their new master. A certain dark-skinned tall and skinny male elf was especially noticeable because he stood out from the crowd.

Hakas was currently working by the fire, drying his new master’s shoes and clothes. The clothes were still alright, but the shoes had an incredible stench due to being soaked by stinky rain and mud for several days straight. The enslaved dragon almost felt like committing suicide.

But, he didn’t have the courage to do so…

*Smack!*

Hakas tripped and fell over after taking a mere two steps. This wasn’t because he was intentionally trying to do so. It would be disgusting if someone as old as him was trying to act cute. It was that Hakas was no longer able to control his balance. That was because his dragon tail, the body part responsible for maintaining his balance, had been cut off and was currently being cooked on a barbeque rack.

Finally, I started salivating as the dragon tail was thoroughly well done while dripping oil.

“By the way, Roland…” Harloys suddenly spoke to me as she also looked at the barbequed dragon tail.

“Don’t you know that food should be enjoyed in silence? I cooked this for myself. If you want some, go cut off some more and make your own.”

I pointed at the ice fork and knife which were still to the side. A certain elf form black dragon who had been eavesdropping suddenly ran outside his nest into the pouring stinky rain. He also tripped and fell several times during his escape. I let him go with no worries, as he was now bound by a slave contract and wouldn’t be able to actually escape for real.

“No, it’s not that. I’m not interested in dragon meat… forget it.”

“You’re so boring, wanting to say something but changing your mind.”

I complained slightly while taking a dragon tail meat skewer that a lizardman handed to me. I then took a bite… sourness, bitterness, and a stinky stench all exploded in my mouth. At that moment, I felt like I was eating something from a toilet that hadn’t been cleaned in ten years… and then I vomited everything in my stomach!

*Retch!*

It was a long while until I finally finished throwing up. Only then did Harloys casually finish what she had been about to tell me.

“Black dragons are venomous, far more venomous than wyverns. And, they feed on the corrosive creatures that live in the swamp. You must have forgotten all your magical creature biology classes. You should have known that something like black dragon meat should have been completely inedible.”

All the lizardmen around me were so scared that they were all kneeling. I glanced again at the oily dragon tail meat skewer, feeling like it was such a waste of meat.

I wasn’t afraid of any poison. Dragon poison would be completely useless against me. But, the delicacy I had been looking forward to turned out to be even worse than feces. I was so disappointed!

“You find it so regrettable? That’s really rare of you. Did you want to try dragon meat so much?”

“I do! Back when I was at Sulfur Mountain City and saw black and red dragons flying around everywhere, I already wanted to taste them. I figured that their meat would surely be delicious with how big they were. But after I finally had a physical body again, it would have been too awkward to touch any of Little Red’s followers.”

Harloys silently wiped away some cold sweat. It seemed that the dragons of the Underground Dragon City had escaped a calamity without them knowing it.

“Actually, dragon meat is edible. It’s common sense not to eat venomous magical creatures, but not all dragons are toxic. You only need to avoid eating green and black dragons.”

“There’s records of this?”

“Yes, there’s always some eccentric among the mages. There was once a great archmage named Baen who wrote a book called ‘Dragonmeat Cuisine for all Common Dragon Species”. He even once held a banquet that served only dragon meat.”

“Ohhh! So there was such a person before! Could you please introduce him to me?”

“That’s impossible. Baen died several hundred years ago because a horde of angry dragons ganged up on and killed him.”

“Such a pity. He was truly an amazing person…”

“His recipes are still around today. I’ve read his book. According to him, the most delicious dragon meat is red dragon meat because it contains the fire element. You only need to cook it slightly for it to become completely well done from inside out. If you apply some oil and pair it with red wine, it’s supposed to be amazingly delicious. And, red dragons tend to exercise more than other dragons, meaning that their meat is chewier than other dragons’.”

As I heard this, the hordes of red dragons in the sky from my memories became replaced with delicious flying roast meat. I was even beginning to drool.

“Little Red is supposed to come. Why don’t you try borrowing some meat from her…?”

The flying roast meat I was imagining was instantly replaced with Little Red’s face when I heard this. I suddenly felt like that was too much for my tastes; I shook my head and sighed.

“She would invite me to eat her fist. It’s a pity that there’s no other red dragons here…”

“Actually, black dragons can still be edible if you prepare the meat properly, although it’s a little bit troublesome. Baen’s dragon recipe book had methods on how to prepare it. You can cure the meat to make sausages, or add some seasoning and bury it underground to make it into stinky canned meat. Although it smells bad, it’s actually quite delicious.”

“Ahhhhh!”

Just as I was thinking about it, there was suddenly a loud scream from the entrance of the dragon nest. Black dragon Hakas had just returned, and was staring at us with a stupefied expression. He then immediately ran away again.

“I’m not a sausage! Mommy, save me! I’ve been captured by a dragon-eating cannibal!”

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