The Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich

Translator: StarveCleric  Editor: StarveCleric

“I am a good person.”

Although everybody knew that I was a good person and a law-abiding citizen, why did the public security officer in front of me still harass me to no end?

“As a law-abiding resident of Sulfur Mountain City, I pay my taxes on time and work diligently. In my workplace, I am a hardworking employee. In this locality, I am known to be a good neighbor and a good friend. I’m even an avid pet lover! Look at this medal—my Ah Bao is the champion of the Community Pet Superstar Competition!”

The medal and ribbon hanging on the wall served as evidence of my past glory. Carved on the medal were the words “The 7th Annual Sulfur Mountain City Community Pet Superstar Competition Champion” and “Blessing our lively and cute Ah Bao to forever stay healthy.”

At the same time, Ah Bao, who I was obviously very proud of, was blissfully enjoying his meal by the foot of the wall.

Yet no matter how much I tried to explain myself, the Dark Elf Public Security Officer simply stared at me silently—it was as though as she had already decided that I was lying.

“Pet? Ah Bao? You mean that fearsome monster? He’s one of the reasons why we are receiving complaints about you! The Lop Family has complained about your pet attacking their son!”

Below the medal, my Ah Bao was fervently licking a bone as his saliva dripped from his mouth. When he noticed his owner looking at him, he smiled at me. Such a cute pet!

“Lop Family? Who are they? I really don’t have any memory of them.”

Just as I was hesitating over whether I should use a Reconnaissance Spell to refresh my worsening memory, the Dark Elf Public Security Officer seemed to notice my memory slip and flashed a cold smile.

“… Don’t you think your words lack reliability? After all, his son’s tibia [1] ¹ is still in the mouth of the monster you are rearing.”

“Oh? Ah! So you are talking about the neighboring skeleton soldier family. Their family seems to be fond of playing with Ah Bao. Such kind people they are.”

I flitted towards Ah Bao and tried to wrestle the bone out of his mouth, but it was to no avail.

Frustrated, I raised my fist and knocked this silly dog on the head.

“Let go, let go you idiot! If you don’t want to be locked up in the pound then let go!”

Such an obedient dog! When he saw how obstinate I was, the cute Ah Bao whimpered and yielded his treasure with a pitiful look.

“Don’t worry, Ah Bao. After I get this bitch off my tail, I’ll make sure the entire Lop Family plays with you for an entire year,” I promised him in a hushed tone.

It would be hard to refute her with this tibia here serving as a proof of the crime. I tried to squeeze out a smile and fawn over the Public Security Officer.

“A misunderstanding, it’s all just a misunderstanding. Ah Bao is just too passionate. He has always liked to make new friends and whenever it’s time to leave, he would always be ever so reluctant. Isn’t it normal to receive a memento of remembrance from a friend?”

I tried to pass over the tibia, but the Public Security Officer abruptly took a step back.

“Stay away—maintain a safe distance from me. Who knows what kinds of nefarious curses you may be preparing? My comrades are still out there. If I don’t return, you will face the wrath of the entire Town Order Security Army (simplified as Town Security).”

Although I had put myself in such a lowly position, this lass was still unwilling to spare me some face, and my good intention of handing over the tibia was met with a look of disgust. She even retreated two steps and assumed a false bravado despite her wariness of me.

“I am a Public Security Officer who represents the city. Do you know the consequences of attacking a Public Security Officer?”

“Just a misunderstanding, a misunderstanding. I really am a good person.” I silently sighed to myself and lamented how sensitive and alert the dark elves were to magic. With no other choice, I silently dispelled the Hypnotism Spell and Venom Snake Curse I had placed on the bone.

“I don’t care if you’re a good person or not. According to Sulfur Mountain City’s Public Security Rules and Regulations, you are to pay a fine of fifty gold coins and deliver an upfront apology within three days.”

That bitch. After leaving behind some harsh words, she snatched away the tibia, turned her head, and left.

“You better remember it well if you don’t want me knocking on your door again. The next time, the entire Town Security troop will appear at your door!”

After closing the door, my face immediately soured.

“That bitch better be careful and not get smashed by a wooden bat and sold to a slave market. In this underground world, the dark elves have always been a best seller—truly a valuable trading product.”

I cursed her venomously in my mind. After all, if my words happened to be heard and the bitch really got sold away, then wouldn’t I become the primary suspect? I’m not so foolish as to dig my own grave.

“Big Sister, you’re really amazing to be able to stand up against such a scary monster. I can’t calm my nerves in his presence.”

“Well, Armin, these fellows are actually all the same. Strong on the outside but weak on the inside. As a dignified member of the Town Security, you must know…”

The conversation of the two dark elves could be heard from not too far away.

“Tsk, to belittle me—if I hadn’t decided to turn over a new leaf and be a good person, you would have been sold to a brothel by now.”

When the cute Ah Bao noticed how depressed his owner was, he came over and licked my face with his large tongue that was covered with poisonous thorns.

“Take it easy, take it easy. Ah Bao, remember that you are a dignified Chromaggus [2] ² and not some dumb family dog that salivates all over the place. Let’s go apologize to the Lop Family and eat our dinner while we’re at it. Yup, ‘dinner’.”

The two heads of this dumb dog simultaneously started salivating upon hearing that there would be something to eat tonight. He pounced on me and began licking me with enthusiasm.

There’s no doubt that a dog is a man’s best friend. This was even more true for a two-headed hellhound; it was just that his food was slightly on the pricey side. Magic-filled bones were said to be one of the best types of food for him, and with the passionate support of the Lop Family, I could probably save around a month’s worth of food.

Oh right, I forgot to introduce myself. I, Roland Mist, am 376 years old, and I am a good man—to be exact, a good lich.

…

If one were to ask the people of this world about their views on liches, there probably won’t be many positive comments.

“Heinous villains.””The ultimate existences of the undead and dark magic.””The nightmares of the living, the kings of the undead.”

Although I take these to be the envy of the mediocre and the slander of the hypocritical, these discriminations did, undeniably, bring me quite the amount of trouble.

At least, in Sulfur Mountain City, where internal fighting was banned, I had to deal with several “Evil-Slaying Hero Parties” or “Evil Lair-Soloing Adventurers” every month.

Most of the time, however, they were incapable of even breaking the barrier of my house. Yet, at times, I would still welcome them in, especially when I lacked experimental materials. Like now…

“…I must… kill you… don’t touch me there! Damn this tentacle demon! …Not here too! I’m sensitive there. Ha… ha… ha… no… I’m begging you, kill me please, kill me please! Kill me if you have the guts!”

Just last week, the half-elf adventurer currently suffering in front of me was still threatening boastfully about bringing divine retribution upon this heinous villain. Now, she could only lie motionless in the dirty cell.

“Let me go! At least… kill me… don’t!” For too many times, she would be sent to the peak of stimulation and reach a certain state before an intense shout would ring out as her body would tighten, and she would fall back to the ground weakly.

Despite losing their focus, those hate-filled eyes would continue to stare lifelessly at me. After half a day, however, her eyes would fill with hatred again.

“Aiyo, don’t look at me like that! Overexcitement is bad for the body.”

“Bastard! Bastard! Bastard!”

“… Do Elves have a limited vocabulary for abuses or did your language teacher die too early? You know, using the same word over and over again won’t excite me.”

“You rogue…” The numerous days of torture in this cell had eroded the will of the female adventurer, but her pride as a high elf still remained. Even after exceeding the limits of her stamina, the golden-haired girl would continue to mumble her curses at me.

“Okay, you have rested enough. Let the next round begin!”

*Snap!* With the snap of my fingers, countless black tentacles started to move again. These demons summoned from the pink book could no longer resist the allure of being in close proximity to a female.

“No! …I am begging you! Let me go!”

But it was a pity that there was no reason for my summoned demons to listen to the pleadings of a prisoner.

“I can’t stand the tickling!!”

Yes, it’s just tickling. I am a good man, you know. I wouldn’t do anything illegal.

“It’s not up to you. Tentacles, give a heavy sentence to her waist and her neck! They’re her weak points!”

“Ha… Hee hee… Kill me, you bastard! …Haha!”

As expected from a punishment that female adventurers were terrified of. Under the assault of numerous tentacles, she quickly ended up rolling on the floor, laughing crazily.

“Bah! Serves you right! You barged into my house without permission; this is obviously a criminal act. If I don’t settle this score, everyone would just take me as an easy target!”

Of course, I wouldn’t do anything that wasn’t beneficial. Wasting my mana just to punish her—how could that be possible?

“I’m begging you; I admit my loss. I give up… I will accede to any of your requests!”

“No need; seeing you in agony is the best way you can contribute.”

Looking at the numbers on the screen increase gradually, I couldn’t help but sigh.

“Sigh, it has already been three days, but I have only gained two Evil Points. How long will it take me to reach a hundred thousand Evil Points so that I can revive my body?”

Pining for a blissful sex life [3] ³ that many look forward to, I gazed downwards, only to see my own body that consisted only of bones. Very quickly, however, my sight turned towards the other unfortunate ones in the cells.

“Punishing evildoers is also a kind act. For my points—no, for justice, for my blissful sex life—no, to become a good person, your agony is required for my happiness! So just give up!”

In each cage were prisoners of varying races, such as the taurens, the elves and the most populous of all, the humans.

“Let me go!””I am innocent!””Don’t come here!” Wails of agony and cries to be spared could be heard, but the lich simply ignored them all. In fact, those who were harsher with their mouths were whipped silent by the skeleton soldiers keeping guard.

“Ruhr; human, rapist, guilty on 6 accounts and has been arrested 3 times. However, due to his good brother, the leader of a gang in the harbor area, who intimidated the victims, there were none willing to report him. In the end, the High Court of Sulfur Mountain City was forced to release him due to insufficient evidence.”

It was just that at this moment, the young master of the gang was the one shouting miserably.

“Since you are so fond of mating, I shall allow you to mate to your heart’s content.”

Thus, I found a couple three-meter tall ogres to play with him every day… However, they were all male and a certain something was thicker than the leg of a human…

Alright, since his current state in his cage was so appalling that even I feel disgusted just by talking about it, let’s talk about his neighbor instead.

“Dia Gold; goblin, professional swindler. Although he had dozens of cases filed against him, his way of handling matters was so superb that his victims often lacked decisive evidence against him. Also, this lad was willing to spend the money to hire the best lawyers in Sulfur Mountain City. Thus, he has managed to escape the reaches of the justice to date.”

At this moment, this gambler was sitting red-eyed, thoroughly engaged in his duel.

“I—I won!! Your money is mine now! You have to abide by your promises to let me go! I have four kings!”

The undead card player opposite to him, however, merely laughed and flashed his cards. Four aces, a hand just slightly better than Dia’s.

“No—no—no—impossible! You’ve already won seven hundred and sixty-seven matches consecutively! You cheater!”

“A cheating method that has yet to be caught is legal; isn’t that what you often said? Alright, how about you tell me where you have hidden your fortune and secrets instead!”

“I—I will redeem myself the next match!”

The undead card player was, of course, cheating with a special deck of cards that I had infused magic in. The undead player was able to manipulate the cards directly, making it impossible for Dia to win.

If it was any other normal person, they would have long given up after losing a few hundred rounds. However, Dia, whose eyes went red from gambling, was just a step away from his freedom and his fortune—how could he give up now?

The undead card player didn’t have to use any schemes to lure Dia into playing his game; he only had to flash his cards to attract the idle Dia, who was greedy down to his bones, to join in on his own accord.

“If—if I were to win just one match, I would be able to recoup everything.”

Thus, just like the victims he had swindled before, his greed pulled him into the abyss, making him lose his life savings in mere moments.

Truthfully, I had no interest in his swindling tactics or his secrets. But every time he lost a match, the anger and unwillingness from the depths of his heart would bring me more Evil Points. In comparison, his neighbor, who was already numb at this point, was giving me fewer and fewer Evil Points.

This was hell—a hell that belonged solely to me. It was prison housing those who had conducted heinous crimes but for numerous reasons, the Judges of Sulfur Mountain City were unable to pass an appropriate judgement upon them.

My unreliable System was able to extract power from other people’s pain or misfortune, and as a good person, I could only choose the route of punishing evil to encourage kindness.

Thus, making use of certain connections, I got these bastards here as fodder for my ‘Evil Lich System.’

The ‘Solo Hell Raider’ adventurer could be said to have the best treatment here already. Anyways, she had only broken a couple flower pots and had destroyed a few skeleton gardeners. After playing with her for a few more days, I will set her free.

As for the others, they were all villains who warranted the death penalty. I would make them suffer as much as they had done to others.

For example, making a rapist feel what it was like to be raped, letting a swindler enjoy the sensation of being duped of his life savings, making robbers and burglars feel how it was like to have something stolen from them, and causing the profiteers who purposely stockpile to create a famine know how it felt to sleep on a mountain of gold yet be unable to buy even a single slice of bread.

“Lunatic! You lunatic!”

“Please! Let me go!”

Doing things that hurt others but didn’t bring any benefits didn’t have any meaning. Their pain, through my nameless System, would turn into my power and would lay the foundation for my resurrection.

“I’m not crazy—you’re the crazy one!”

“You crazy lich! I am begging you; let me go. I’m willing to do anything!”

Crazy lich? Quite a few people have claimed that I have gone mad, but the first to say it was that person.

I stroked my chin with my forefinger as I tried to recall.

“Exactly when did I start to go mad? Was it during my previous life, when I had insisted on being a fair and righteous judge yet ended up being stripped of my position and exiled out of the industry, not even being able to serve as a lawyer?”

“Was it when I had reincarnated into this world with this weird System, thinking that I was the protagonist of this world and promised to bring prosperity to my family and my people, only to find that the cruel fate planned for me couldn’t be changed, and I lost my country, my family, and my kin?”

“Or was it when I swore revenge on the gods and the hypocrites as I brought about an incomplete body and formed a great legion of undead, but on that very route to my vengeance, I realized that my back was filled with mountains of corpses and rubble and that I was no different from those hypocrites and ambitious people, putting on a righteous front yet bringing about disaster and tragedy?”

“Hee hee, or maybe, from the very start, after realizing the truth of this world, the me who has memories from two lives had already gone mad.”

Note:

1. According to Wikipedia, in human anatomy, the tibia is the second largest bone next to the femur. As in other vertebrates, the tibia is one of two bones in the lower leg, the other being the fibula, and is a component of the knee and ankle joints.

2. Chromaggus -> Hearthstone reference

3. Blissful Sex Life -> It is a Chinese pun. It has the same pronunciation as “happiness” in Chinese.

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