The Empress's Gigolo

Panda Novel

Coming back during the New Year this time around, Ren Baqian and the empress thought that they could enjoy the atmosphere of the celebration and also relax for a couple of days.

However, the truth was that they had absolutely expected too much.

Everyone had only heard of the empress’s name, but had never seen her over the last few years. Mama Ren had also boasted about her so much. The empress had finally shown herself and was no longer just a stunning photograph anymore.

Since the first day of the Lunar New Year, Ren Baqian’s seventh paternal aunt, eighth maternal aunt, fifth paternal uncle, third maternal uncle, and second paternal uncle had all visited the Ren family’s house. There were so many people walking in and out that it was as if it was Lan City’s city gate.

Nominally, they were of course here to visit.

In reality, they actually came over to look at the empress.

In previous years, they would definitely visit their maternal uncle’s house on the first day of the New Year before visiting both maternal aunts’ homes on the fourth and fifth day, but currently this had all changed.

After two days, Ren Baqian couldn’t bear it any longer, so he dragged the empress along and fled.

As for the two winged cavalry warriors, Ren Baqian bought them plane tickets and gave them a bank card with 10,000 yuan deposited in the account. Before letting them embark on a whole new winged cavalry adventure, he gave them stern warnings first.

Both of them were naturally overjoyed at the unexpected news. It had been a year since they initially heard those two idiots bragging, and now, it was finally their turn.

They felt that they would practically be letting themselves down if they did not experience anything wonderful.

Differing from the last two guys, their motive from the start was to not return to Shanghai…

Naturally, Ren Baqian didn’t know what kind of mischief those two would get into.

At present, he simply wanted to clear his bowels. After finding a suitable place to take a dump, he would return to Dayao with the empress. They had stayed on Earth for five days this time around, so time was also running out as well.

After Ren Baqian had relieved himself, his facial expression immediately changed when he was wiping his a** with paper.

His fingers actually felt a lump of flesh through the paper… and it was painful. Could this be one of those hemorrhoids that he had always heard of? Could he himself also conqueror it in the future?

Ren Baqian immediately shuddered at the thought of this.

Even though it was said that 9 out of 10 males and 10 out of 10 females would get hemorrhoids, Ren Baqian had always laughed and thought that it wouldn’t happen to him. He had always smiled with “kindness” back then when his college roommate had to use potassium permanganate to wash his a** every night.

Now that this was happening to him, he was completely stupefied.

How could he have contracted such an excruciating ailment that would make him unable to sit properly and even made him question his own existence?

Had anyone seen an expert with hemorrhoids?

The thought of Qiao Feng <sup1</sup suddenly having a hemorrhoid break out at Ju Xian village…

The thought of countless experts wedging their anuses, wriggling their way up to the peak of Mount Hua for a contest of martial arts… battling it out atop the peak of Mount Hua… and then each finding a place to apply their hemorrhoid cream?

The thought of Xiao Yan holding his butt and saying with a contorted expression, “Don’t bully the youth for being poor…”

The thought of Han Paopao battling the evil dragon alongside Nan Gongwan in the cave back then… and screaming out, “Help me hold it off for five minutes!” before running behind Nan Gongwan and finding a place to remove his pants to apply the hemorrhoid cream?

For instance, during the final battle between Wang Chao and GOD, when he was all covered in blood. He struck one blow after another. Then, blood started spurting out from below?

How could someone possibly continue watching this?

Why did this happen to him?

Ren Baqian’s world fell apart.

Ever since he put his pants back on, the pain in his anus came wave after wave.

The empress was waiting for him somewhere in the distance when he started spreading his legs and taking small steps out of the toilet with a deathly pale look on his face.

The two of them were currently at a restaurant. They had originally planned to grab some food, go to the bathroom, and find a place where they could immediately go back to Dayao.

Little did Ren Baqian expect that such an unforeseen event would actually happen! It was simply an end-of-the-world level disaster!

“What happened?” the empress faintly asked when she saw that he didn’t look well.

“Nothing much!” Ren Baqian faked it, but he was trembling. He couldn’t possibly tell the empress that his anus had burst open right? He simply couldn’t say it!

“Go back?” She didn’t ask further after seeing that he refused to tell her.

“Can’t go back yet… I need to check something.” Looking like he was about to cry, Ren Baqian quickly checked the map. He kept his legs spread the whole time and shuffled forward very quickly, each step traveling no further than three centimeters.

He didn’t dare to take a full stride—it was painful!!!

“Pharmacy, Ma Ying Long[2.Ma Ying Long: a pharmaceutical company that is known for hemorrhoid cream]… Pharmacy… Ma Ying Long…” Ren Baqian was tensed up as he looked at the map on his phone and searched for a pharmacy that wasn’t too far away.

He had never ever felt that time was so important.

In the past, he always got various matters settled a few hours in advance before waiting to travel to the other world. Now, there was the possibility of him going back at any moment. It could be in one minute, in 10 minutes, or even in 30 minutes. This was because he had never calculated the departure time so precisely before.

At present, Ren Baqian needed to make every second count as he headed to the pharmacy to buy hemorrhoid cream. He didn’t even have enough time to find out more information on the internet about how to deal with hemorrhoids!

Once the pharmacy he was looking for appeared in sight around 10 meters away on the side of the road, he finally looked excited. He turned around, took a quick glance at the empress, and saw that she was quietly following behind him.

Seeing Ren Baqian turn his head around, she looked at him in puzzlement and asked, “Why is your walking motion so weird? Are you injured? How did it happen?”

Ren Baqian forced a dull smile and replied, “It’s nothing major. I can resolve it very quickly.”

Following Ren Baqian’s voice, a rhythmic wave began to appear in the surrounding air and the empress immediately grabbed hold of his arm.

Once he realized that the scene in front of him was starting to change, his facial expression suddenly underwent a drastic change.

He actually didn’t make it in time to buy the hemorrhoid cream!

“What exactly happened?” the empress squinted her eyes and asked.

“Nothing major, really. Your Majesty need not worry!” Ren Baqian replied while looking pale.

“Why are you suddenly acting so weird!” The empress looked puzzled. Everything was still fine just a while ago, yet it became like this after he went to the toilet.

After he managed to fool her with great difficulty, he bade farewell and began to limp back. He wondered if there was an ailment like hemorrhoids over here and whether the doctors would know how to deal with it.

He kept thinking about it in his mind endlessly.

Looking at the bodyguards behind him, Ren Baqian clenched his teeth and asked, “Shi Hu… Let me ask you something!”

“What is it, Principal?” Shi Hu stepped forward and replied.

“Do you know what a hemorrhoid is?” Ren Baqian looked embarrassed as he brought it up.

“I only know what a blade sore is!” Shi Hu replied with a profound look.

“Then do you know about the sick chrysanthemum?”[3.sick chrysanthemum: euphemism for anus because people claim that it looks like one!]

“What kind of flower is a chrysanthemum?”

“Forget it… It’s fine!” Ren Baqian sighed.

When he got back to his room, he lay in bed and began to toss and turn restlessly. It was painful!

On this night, he discovered many problems that he had never minded in the past.

For instance, people usually said that the anus would tense up. When would the anus tense up? Ren Baqian had never noticed it in the past, but now he understood what this meant. It would tense up when it came in contact with water! Not just once, but twice and thrice!

Everytime his anus tensed up, that feeling, that bitter pleasure… It put him in so much pain that he simply wished that he was dead.

Another example would be coughing. Baqian had never thought that his anus would actually tense up when he coughed!

Another one would be standing up. Did anyone know that the anus would tense up when they stood up?

On this night, Ren Baqian experienced all of that.

He was half asleep throughout the entire night and woke up late the next morning, which was a rare sight. He immediately had the bodyguards go to the school to give those students the day off.

Ren Baqian felt that it was necessary for him to go to the clinic now.

Otherwise, he had no idea how he would get through the ensuing days!

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