Taming The Queen Of Beasts

AARYN

"I'll be honest," Elreth said quietly, "I'm surprised you're so angry about this. You've been an Alpha—and you didn't even tell me! Are you trying to say that you didn't just make the decisions that needed to be made when you knew you had the information?"

"No," he growled. "But we weren't mates then. I would have asked you if it was something that could get me killed. I would have at least warned you! I wouldn't throw it out there in front of your family and expect you to just… just swallow it!"

"I'm sorry, Aaryn. But the last couple days have been overwhelming. I know my timing wasn't great, but it also wasn't malicious. And I knew no one was going to change my mind. It seems pointless to make conversation about it just for the sake of it."

Aaryn shook his head and sighed again. "Elreth, I love you. So much. But sometimes you need to open your eyes and look at the world around you and realize not everyone thinks the way you do."

She was confused. She knew he was right, but she didn't understand how that applied to this conversation.

They both lay there quietly for a moment. Aaryn clearly still unhappy, but his anger fading into sadness.

She wasn't sure which was worse. She needed to distract him before she lost him to those dark thoughts and feelings that were always right on the edge for him now.

"There was one question I wanted to ask you," she said hesitantly.

"What is it?"

"I was wondering if you knew… I've been thinking about Gar and the disformed and all the time they spend in the human world. Even without counting the disformed who've defected over there, it seems like there's many of you who have spent time over there. Months, if not years.

"We always noticed when Gar was gone, even just for a day or two. Why hasn't anyone noticed the disformed leaving? Why haven't we had suspicions or concerns before now?"

Aaryn gave a humorless laugh. "See, that's what you don't get, El. There's a few Anima that are glad to see the backs of the disformed—would happily never see any of them again. But they're a small number. The much larger portion… a lot of the Anima simply refuse to notice us at all. As if by ignoring the fact that we exist, they aren't hurting us. Those people wouldn't know—or care—if we disappeared for a week, or a lifetime. We just don't register for them."

Elreth made a pained noise. "That's can't be true," she said, putting a hand to his chest. "Your families, your tribes—"

"Once we're adults and have taken our place in the hierarchy, a lot of families just… drift. And the tribes think we're a burden, so they're usually happy if we aren't around to take up more resources."

"But where do they think you go?"

"Who knows? All I know is, they're quiet happy when we're not here."

Elreth growled. "It's not right!"

"No, it's not. It's why we want our own tribe—because we notice. We care when one of us is gone. We notice if they don't come back. As Alpha, I'm… I was always aware of my people. I'd ask if we didn't see someone for a while. We've all had days where we needed to just disappear. But more than a day or two…" he trailed off, pushing his arm under his pillow, frowning. "Well, I guess I can't say we  notice everything," he grumbled. "I mean, I was Alpha and I didn't see all of this. I never caught the bigger pictures. I can't believe it… it feels like I was a fool. Not really leading at all. Like it was all just a joke."

"No, Aaryn—"

"I'm not looking for compliments, El."

"And I'm not giving them," she said fiercely, pushing up on one elbow to lean closer to him. "I saw the way those people deferred to you, Aaryn. They were submitted in truth. They were more loyal to you than they were to me!"

Aaryn shrugged. "Maybe."

"Not maybe! Your leadership was real, Aaryn. No one was faking that kind of respect."

He didn't respond, because he didn't want to sound like he was asking her to reassure him. The truth was, she couldn't. He felt… inadequate. He felt like a fool. He felt like everything he'd thought he'd known and understood, everything he'd thought he achieved… that it was a farce. That behind his back the true power had been a work, just letting him feel important, like he mattered, for a time. But in truth… in truth he'd been nothing but a figurehead.

He also knew that saying that would only worry his mate, who was already scooting closer, pulling herself into his chest, stroking his back, kissing his neck.

He knew she wouldn't believe that—she'd been fooled too. Reth as well. The question wasn't whether they'd been deceived. But whether or not the things they'd done were still valuable.

Aaryn knew he was tired enough, and grieving enough, that he wasn't going to measure anything accurately, so he kept his mouth shut. But it didn't stop his stomach aching, or his chest feeling tight.

And when Elreth buried her face in his neck and kissed his throat, whispering that she had an idea, something that might distract him, he was gentle when he pulled her hands away, stroking her hair as he shook his head.

"I'm just so tired, babe. Tomorrow, okay?"

Her brows pinched together over her nose and she searched his eyes, a flare of fear lighting in hers. But he leaned in and kissed her, telling her there was nothing to worry about as he tucked her back into his chest so he didn't have to meet those liquid blue eyes and deny the worry in them.

She sighed heavily as he rolled onto his back, her head resting on his shoulder and her hair spread over his pillow.

"Aaryn?"

"I'm fine—I will be fine, El. I'm just tired. That's all. Don't overthink it."

She didn't believe him, he could smell her suspicion.. But she was exhausted too, and luckily she fell asleep before she decided to challenge him.