How to Raise Your Regressor

After we finished signing the contract, Azell rang the bell on his desk.

The next moment, Noelle entered the room.

"Please show Samur to his room." He said.

"Roger."

Roger? I don't think that's what secretaries are supposed to say.

"Also, ready a pair of clothes for a young girl, some food and another room."

Hmm, what could those be for, I wonder. Who exactly would require a pair of clothes tailored for a little girl?

Not a Dragon, that's for sure.

Looks like we're getting a new member. Considering the items he asked her to prepare, it would be safe to assume that the new member is in the same circumstances I once was in.

"Right away." She replied while furrowing her brows.

Looks like Noelle doesn't know who this mysterious member is either.

"I'll be going out for a bit. Have those things ready by the time I'm back." He rearranged the spread-out documents into a nice stack.

"Understood." She nodded.

Azell donned his longcoat(?) and left the room. We also followed.

"Did you sign the contract?" She asked as we went back the way we had come from.

"Yup."

"Congratulations. I look forward to working with you." A wide grin beamed on her face.

"Likewise."

Hmm, now that I think about it, Noelle is quite expressive for a former assassin. If we go by the usual tropes, she should be close to expressionless while also slowly learning about emotions.

Oh well, I guess she was a normal assassin who had a life outside putting people out of their misery.

After some time, we arrived back at the room I had been staying in till now.

"Is this going to be my room?"

"Yes."

Yikes.

"Can I get a room that's on the opposite side of this one?"

"Well, you can, but why?" Her brows slightly furrowed.

"I want a room where the window is not facing the sun."

People who like to open the curtains when they wake up are the real psychopaths in life.

Yup, it's not the serial killers, not even the genocidal maniacs who slaughter millions of people for their personal gains, but those who keep their curtains open so that they can be woken up by the sun who are the real psychopaths.

The society would progress by 15 generations the moment such people stop existing.

"No can do."

"Eh? Why? Are there no rooms available?"

If that's indeed the case, then it's time to think of some elaborate plans to kick someone out of this guild I mean negotiate with someone peacefully like normal people.

"No. Vitamin D is important for a growing child, and you need sunlight for that."

"I'll take some vitamin supplements."

Ez.

"Nope. This is the only room you're getting."

"Aww…"

This is legitimately the worst thing that has happened to me in this life.

"Don't whine." Her voice softened. "It's for your own good."

Have you ever heard of the thing called 'Consent', Noelle?

I mean, it's all well and good that you want what's best for me, but please confirm with me first. Because in this case, I do not want what's best for me.

Well, whatever. I'll just buy some really thick curtains.

Modern problems require modern solutions.

"Fine. Just give it to me."

"Good boy." She rubbed my head by invading my personal space. "Here's the key to this room."

Oh noice. I didn't expect them to respect my privacy.

"Some sets of clothes have been put in the closet. On the wash basin, the left tap pours out hot water while cold water comes out from the right."

"Nice."

Leave it to humans to find ways to be lazy and comfortable.

"If you need anything else, just call for me. The dinner starts at seven. Your meals for the first month are free."

Oh my, how generous of them.

"Alright."

"Well then, take care." She bade me farewell and left the room.

I went and plopped down on the bed, staring at the chandelier hanging from the centre of the ceiling. With the two table lamps standing atop the drawers besides my canopy bed, this room had ample light.

Too much light, actually.

There was also a bookshelf with some books in it. At its right and by the window was a desk.

The floor was carpeted as well, so I think it would be safe to assume that they had provided me with one of the best rooms of this Guild.

That's a given, now that I think about it. I'm the head of the R&D department, after all.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the past few days, so I look forward to what's to come in the future.

❄️ ❄️ ❄️

"This is Lecia, and from today onwards, she is our newest member. Samur, I hope you'll take good care of her."

Well, that certainly wasn't what I was looking forward to in my future.

Every other thing aside, why the fuck do I have to take care of another child? Do I look like a motherfucking child expert or what?

I'm the kind of guy you do not leave a child with.

I once babysat a 5-year-old for a day. When his mother came back from her work, the boy quite literally asked her to 'Fuck off' right to her face.

Imagine being a single mother working hard to raise your kid to be a happy, responsible adult, and coming back home one evening only for that kid to ask you to 'Fuck off' because you didn't bring him candy.

Watching him getting his ass whooped was just glorious. On a side note, that was the day my career as a babysitter ended.

So yea, my track record of taking care of children is definitely not the best.

Anyway, back to the topic of how I landed in this absurd situation.

❄️❄️❄️

Once upon a time, on an ordinary evening of the same day I had signed the contract with the guild, I came down for dinner and met Noelle.

She asked me to follow her, and I did as I was told because I wasn't particularly hungry and had nothing else to do.

She took me to a room which was opposite mine. There, I found that everyone else was already waiting for me.

'Something is about to go down', I had naively thought.

However, when I counted, there were a total of 8 people, excluding me. Using my advanced deductive skills, I arrived at the conclusion that 8 was greater than 7, and 7 was the total number of members our team had.

The fact that there was literally a girl- who I had never seen before- was hiding behind Azell also helped.

'What the fuck?', I had rubbed my eyes in bewilderment.

The girl looked to be around 13 to 14 years old and was stuck to Azell like glue.

And after gathering everyone, Azell introduced the girl to us.

'Wut?' Samur.exe had stopped working.

❄️❄️❄️

And that's the story of how I was on the verge of becoming a babysitter. I hope it entertained you.

…

Still no reaction? Wow.

Anyway, on to the more important things.

"By the way." I whispered to Vafferan who was standing beside me. "That's what a malnourished orphan looks like."

"Pffttt!" She almost burst out laughing but managed to stop in time.

Alas, that was enough to garner everyone's attention.

"What happened?" Azell asked.

"Oh, nothing-"

"She was calling Lecia a malnourished orphan." I interjected and lied as naturally as I breathed.

"Wha?!" Vafferan's mouth hung open.

"Tsk." Noelle visibly clicked her tongue while Azell just sighed and turned back to me.

"You cheeky brat! I'll get you for this!" Vafferan cursed at me.

"Hey, don't blame Samur!" Noelle immediately scolded her.

"But I didn't say that!"

"Then what? Don't tell me it was Samur." Noelle rolled her eyes.

"But it WAS him!"

"Oh, please."

"Please, believe in me!"

Heh, get pranked, big girl.

Now, time to leave the bickering women aside and ask the real questions.

"Imma keep it real with you, Azell."

"Yes?"

"Did you bring me to this guild so that I could be its mother figure?"