How to Raise Your Regressor

Being saved by a child is not bad, because in the end, your life is what matters. But it sure is surprising because children are fucking stupid.

However, if you've reached a bottom so low that children are saving your life, then maybe it's time to reconsider your life choices, Noelle.

"But it's the truth. So stop moping around for something that isn't your fault, and invest that time into something more productive, like sleeping."

Seriously, sleep is just so underrated.

Like, you can take a free trial of death anytime you want, and all you have to do to get it is to lie down and close your eyes.

If it was up to me, I would sleep for an eternity.

"Productive…" She frowned, then suddenly smiled. "I know just how to be productive."

"Oh yeah?"

"From now on, I'm going to protect you!"

"…"

Oh my, who would have thought it would end like this?

Damnit.

"From now on, I'm going to protect you!"

Why do you have to draw out such weird conclusions from my words? Like bro, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you alright? Do you need a psychologist to talk to?

I usually don't do this, but I'll do sessions with you for absolutely free. Just stop with this bullshit.

"I thought I said something productive."

"And that's why I'm going to protect you."

Yea, and while you're at it, get a big 'Dum Dum' tattooed on your forehead.

"I meant something actually productive, like sleeping, or training so that you don't get stabbed by another broken blade of a Minotaur."

"T-that's already on my agenda!" She harrumphed. "But protecting you is more important."

This motherfucker.

"And what exactly are you going to protect me from, Noelle?"

Fucking Minotaurs who are guarding the Shadowlord? I seriously doubt they are that common.

And in case they are, then this world has already gone to shit and it's time to yeet on out of here by, you know, giving myself a karate chop by an axe.

"Believe me, there are a lot of bad guys out there."

"Yup, sure."

At least use a better excuse, Noelle.

"No, it's true!" She again exclaimed. "There are people out there who would kill to have talent like yours! It's our duty to protect you from them."

Huh, that actually makes sense. She got me there.

"I see." I nodded. "Then let's make a pact."

"What kind of pact?"

"If a situation ever arises where you have to protect me, you will NOT sacrifice your life for me."

"That is…"

"If you do, then I will exchange my life for yours, and I will make sure that there would be no resurrections for me."

Heh, beat that, Noelle.

If my life is what she cares about more than hers, then all I need to do is to hold myself hostage.

"Wha?! You can't do that!"

"Oh, but I will."

"You will not!"

"I already did it once, and we weren't even related then. So what makes you think that I won't do it now, when we are comrades? I swear to God Noelle, I'll do it out of spite."

Even if there were other, safer methods available to bring her back to life, I'd still kill myself just to spit in her face. Metaphorically speaking, that is, because I would be dead by then, and I have no hobby of spitting on corpses.

…

Geez, why do I have to go and make everything so strange.

"…I didn't know you had this side." She scowled and pinched my cheeks.

Ouch.

"I'm just adept at holding grudges."

And I absolutely won't tolerate someone sacrificing themselves for me.

If I don't care for my life, then neither should they.

"But what if it's a situation where I cannot protect you without dying? And no, I will NOT let you die."

Wow, her obsession is almost impressive.

"Then we shall die together. Side by side, hand in hand, we'll go on to our next lives together."

Wow, that sure was romantic.

In fact, it almost sounded like a proposal.

They used to call me Papa *insert name here*, and no, it was not because I was a good father figure.

Wait, I WAS a good father figure, but that wasn't the reason for them adding Papa before my name.

This is just getting weird. Let's move on.

"…If you were a handsome young man, I would have fallen for you right here. You were just that smooth."

Told you- wait.

"Which part am I not right now?"

Am I not handsome, or am I not a young man? Or is it both?

"You are going to be a lady killer in the future, eh?" She snickered. "A piece of advice; choose one girl and stay loyal for the rest of your life."

That's sound advice. Harem, while sounding nice, usually ends up with the central character getting stabbed in the back.

"I have no plans on getting myself involved with girls."

"Heh, everyone says that."

The body of a 12-year-old child sure is inconvenient, huh. Adults just don't take me seriously.

"Anyway, how are you feeling?"

Isn't this something she should have asked me the moment I woke up? She sure took her sweet time getting to this point.

"I'm perfectly fine. I assume Neia was the one who treated me while I was unconscious?"

"Yup. Make sure to thank her later. She worked hard to heal you."

Good grief.

"Anyway, wash yourself and get ready. Azell is waiting for you in his office."

"For what?"

"To officially sign you into the Guild, duh."

"Right."

About time.

"He might have some words about how you broke your promise."

"We've already talked about that though. Can't you just relay my thoughts to him?"

I don't like repeating myself. Sure, it's an apology, but it's still a drag.

"No can do. Handle him yourself." She grinned. "Now go wash up. I'll lead you to his office."

What an asshole.

"Alright."

Heeding her words, I walked into the bathroom and was pleasantly surprised to find a working toilet, a bathtub, a showerhead and a wash basin with a mirror attached above it, all in the style of Earth.

Which makes sense, now that I think about it. They're from Earth, so of course they would find a way to replicate the things from back home to make their lives easier.

This is one of the few times I'm grateful for human tenacity.

The wash basin had two taps, presumably for cold and hot water both. I took the 'Exfoliating Face Wash for oily skin' and washed my face.

I'm not sure if my face was oily before, but it sure as hell isn't oily now. As usual, this shit claps hard.

After moisturising my skin like a good boy and styling my hair, I came out.

"Here." Noelle handed me a towel.

"Thank you."

"I have prepared a set of clothes for you." She pointed to the bed.

"Oh, nice."

About time I got out of these patient robes.

Also, the clothes I was currently in were different from the ones I had fainted in, which means that someone changed me, which means someone saw a minor naked.

Time to report that certain someone.

"Are you going to stay here?"

"Should I step out?" Noelle asked.

"Nah, never mind."

I'm just changing clothes. I'm not a self-conscious teenager, so there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

I took off the robe I was wearing, only to find a thin, bony, pale body.

Seems like Vafferan was right in calling me a malnourished orphan.

No seriously, I was just that thin. On the plus side though, I had no scars from Neia's surgery which proved her expertise even further.

Since Noelle hadn't made any audible gasps even after seeing my shit body, I think it would be safe to assume that she had seen this form before.

Looks like we have our culprit.