How to Raise Your Regressor

227 Samur Cringe Eckart

Jennifer paused for some moments, perhaps to go over my revelation, then concluded, "So what you are saying is… this world manipulated the events of my life in order to turn me into a weapon it could use to protect itself."

#technicallythetruth

"In a way, yes."

Hmm, now that I think about it, didn't something similar happen to Antonio?

Oh no wait, it was Vafferan, the so-called Ultimate Weapon. Antonio was just an ordinary guy. Silly me.

Anyway, Vafferan and Jennifer are almost in the same situation; they were both selfishly turned into weapons by the World.

The only difference is the kind of world that tried to control their lives.

Well, that's assuming that Jennifer is, in fact, the Sword forged (metaphorically) to cut down this World's enemies.

"In other words, my life would have been really different if the 'World' didn't choose me as its Sword?"

"You could say that, I suppose," I nodded. "Your life could have either been worse or better, but it would certainly have been different."

Hmm, I wonder how different her life could have been.

Would she have died a dog's death in the Tutorial, or would she have become an absolute alpha chad existence in this world?

Or would she have led a mediocre life as a, I dunno, a bartender?

Hmm, should I change her past to see exactly what kind of life she would have lived if not for this World's interference?

Nah, let's not; she's not worth that effort.

"Huh, the world is quite selfish, wouldn't you say?" Her eyes narrowed.

"The world literally gives you a place to live; asking you to protect it is only fair, no?"

I mean, if I was the world, I would work them as slaves for their entire lives in exchange for giving them a place to call their home.

"The world didn't ask for my permission, however. It just arbitrarily decided that I'll be the one to protect it and messed with my life."

"Fair enough."

I can't argue with that, not that I intend to.

My master plan here is to rile Jennifer up then let her vent to me all she wants to waste time in order to escape the clutches of that godforsaken breakfast.

…

Huh, the First Being, the literal Origin who created the Universe, formed the very fundamental principles the Universe runs on, designed the concept of life and death, is currently trying to fool an insignificant vermin so that she doesn't force him to have a fucking breakfast.

Waww.

What has my life come to?

"Tell me then; why should I protect this world?"

That's genuinely one of the dumbest fucking questions I've heard today; she's only below Lecia. It's impressive, in a way.

'WhY sHouLD I ProTEcT tHe WorLD I LivE iN, hUh?'

Fucking dumbass.

"Well, you are free to go down with it," I shrugged.

You know what? Fuck this shit.

Her stupid (yet a fairly reasonable question) has ruined my mood.

She can go fuck herself.

"So I have no choice?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Well, if you can think of any other way, by all means, go ahead."

"I don't have one right now, but… making the impossible possible is what I am known for," she smirked.

Ah yes, a comedy genius.

"Well, you do you."

Frankly, I have had enough of changing the fate of the Sword of the world. If I am forced to do it one more time I'll just kill everyone and reset this Universe.

"And surely, you'll help me?" She looked at me with an innocent, yet a passionate gaze.

…

Slaughter mode: engage.

Seriously though, just how shrewd is this woman?

"I have absolutely no way of helping you, unfortunately."

"Oh, please," Jennifer rolled her eyes. "If anyone can help me, it's you."

See? This was this woman's plan all along.

She wants to turn me into a pawn she can use. To be more precise, she wants me to be her trump card.

All that talk about the world being against her was just pure bullshit; empty words to direct my emotions and push us into a position where she could ask for my help to go against the World, i.e., the people living in this world.

Of course, it's entirely possible that I'm just pulling shit straight outta my ass and she genuinely wants my help to change her sad fate, but that would be the boring and mature assumption.

And maturity has no place here.

"I feel that you guys overestimate me a bit too much."

More like underestimate, but hey.

"Do we, though?"

"Obviously. In the end, I'm just a 13-year-old boy who knows some things."

"The same boy who one-shotted a fucking Minotaur, carved new Mana circuits for himself, developed guns, with a dream to make a gun that could kill a God."

Dream? How rude.

An Anti-God weapon in the form of a gun is a bit amusing though, considering that only one exists.

That other weapon (that I created) is just a glorified Desert Eagle. This time, I'll make a Sniper rifle and give it to Neia.

The entire Universe will quake in fear at the very mention of the God Slaying Dragon that only knows how to use healing magic.

I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

"I sacrificed more than ten years of my life to kill that Minotaur, so, yea, not ideal," I shrugged.

"That just shows how much you care about your comrades," she giggled.

"Pfft."

"…"

"Ahem, I, uh, yes, I do care about my comrades. I care for them a lot," I smiled like a normal 13-year-old.

Samur Cringe Eckart, at your service.

"…" Jennifer squinted. "By the way, weren't you supposed to be 12 year old?"

"I was, but I turned 13 some time ago."

I was lying, of course.

But I've grown bored of calling myself a 12-year-old, so yea.

A lot of 'so yeas' today.

"And you didn't even invite me to your birthday party."

"We didn't have one."

Fuck birthday parties.

"Why not?" She furrowed her brows.

"Because I didn't tell anyone about my birthday."

Ez.

Not that I know when my birthday is.

Which seems kinda sad, now that I think about it.

Samur Sad Eckart?

No. I don't care about my bday so it's all kosher.

Samur Indifferent Eckart.

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I saw no point in doing so."

Just imagining what would happen if I ever told the wankers when my birthday is sends shivers down my spine.

I can already see them doing cringy shit like waking me up with a motherfucking birthday carol and asking me to blow the candles on a cake that would definitely not be chocolate cake because they are stupid motherfuckers.

Then as I would be wondering whether to go for a backflip or a frontflip while jumping out the window, they would present me with gifts.

I can bet my life on it that one of those gifts would be a book, one a sword or armour, while at least one would be a crude, hand-made something that the person put all their feelings in.

Then they would tell me some more unoriginal 5/10 backstories about how they killed someone or how they were shunned by society, and how they don't want me to go through something similar.

Hmm, to put a slight twist on it, those motherfuckers could act like they don't even know what a birthday is just to surprise me with one during the night.

And I would actually be surprised because I wouldn't remember my own bday.

Which would be utterly disgusting.

So no bdays.

"And why was there no point in doing so?"

Hmm, is it just me, or has the conversation gone completely off the tracks?

Wasn't she supposed to manipulate me into turning her pawn or something?

Jennifer was bamboozled by my fake age and forgot her original goal.

A tactical masterclass, if I say so myself.

"Because I have absolutely no interest in celebrating my birthday, so I don't want others to have any interest either."

As simple as that. Imagine wanting to celebrate your own birthday. Couldn't be me.

Only a fucking psychopath would want to do something as atrocious as that.

However, if my experience tells me something, it's that this is not going to be so simple.