How to Raise Your Regressor

"Oh… and you thought that was more important than being on time for a meeting with me?"

Wut?

What in the goddamn fuck kinda question is that?

"Well, um, I'm no expert, but that's how it usually works, doesn't it?"

"Does it, now?" She slightly tilted her head, her sharp gaze boring into me.

Boy oh boy, to think I'd find a woman whose moral compass was more twisted than mine.

What a time to be alive.

I mean, after all is said and done, even I went out of my way to rescue Lecia from the kidnappers.

Sure, I was the one who turned a blind eye to her kidnapping just to test out my new drone so I HAD to be there, but still.

I'm still better than a woman who believes that being on time to her welcoming party is more important than one's own comrade.

I can already see how stellar my time here is going to be, and I mean that literally.

I mean, a Guild leader who is so obsessed with herself that she believes her inconvenience is graver than someone literally getting kidnapped? That's exactly what I need right now, baby.

After all, unlike the members of the New Dawn Guild, she won't care for me.

Which means an ez death.

"The rudeness is practically oozing out of your body," Jennifer scoffed.

"It's just your imagination," I replied innocently. "I have been known to be the kindest, most prudent and the most courteous boi out there. So much so that I dare say that if you ever find me being rude to someone, you should just assume that the Samur you knew has been killed and replaced by someone else and kill the impostor."

"I'll do just that," Jennifer replied with an amused chuckle. "Anyway, back to the topic."

What was the topic again?

Ah, right.

"Well, as far as the priority order of comrades and meeting with new people go, I'd like to assume that saving someone precious to you would be way above than going on a date with someone new."

That's how it usually goes, anyway. Jennifer is a friend of Azell (or so I'd like to assume) which means she's also a wanker, so we can't really say.

"And what if it isn't? What will you do then?"

See?

"I'm unfortunately too small and insignificant to do anything."

Like I say, to each their own.

"Then don't you think you owe me an apology?"

"As far as I can remember, I already apologised."

Looks like Jennifer's comprehension abilities are not the best.

Maybe she is secretly a member of the New Dawn Guild.

"You think a simple 'I'm sorry' is enough to make up for your crimes?"

Crimes? Bruh.

"Well, in my culture, a simple apology is more than enough to make up for being late. I'm not sure how you people do it, but I'm willing to learn."

Let's take this opportunity and just end it.

"It's simple."

"Nice."

Everyone likes simple things, after all.

"You just need to be my slave-"

"Oh, I need to offer you my lifeless head?" I cut Jennifer off.

"…What?"

"Don't you think that's, uh, a bit extreme? Damn, I didn't know being late was a war crime."

Imagine you are a minute late on your first date so you apologise, but your date just whips out a fucking axe and beheads you right then and there ISIS style.

Brutal.

"I said-"

"But it is me who is in the wrong, and I did say that I'm willing to learn," I shook my head with a sigh. "Oh well, if the New Dawn Guild wants to know my final words, just tell them that I asked them to go fuck themselves."

With that, I took out a sword from my bag (yes, I actually brought a sword with me because why the fuck not) and put it at my throat.

Hmm, beheading myself is not as easy, however. Even if I swing the sword at my neck with my full strength, it'll probably just get lodged halfway through and I'll die while choking on my own blood and gasping for breath.

Eh, I'm not running a fucking charity here. If Jennifer wants my head, she'll need to do her part.

Now then, time to bid farewell to this cruel world.

I clutched the sword tightly and swung it at my neck with all my might.

However, instead of the excruciating pain that I was expecting, I was met with an exasperated sigh.

"You cannot even behead yourself like that," Jennifer commented from behind me.

I wasn't aware that she was the sneaky step dad.

My myopic eyes couldn't make it out, obviously, but if I were to take an educated guess, Jennifer appeared behind me and stopped my sword with her index finger.

Trying to look badass, smh.

"Hmm, you are right," I nodded.

"So-"

"Take this and behead me," I beckoned her to take my sword.

"…" Jennifer took the sword while sporting a peculiar expression.

"Here. This spot would be the easiest to cut," I lifted my chin and pointed at a random spot.

"Jesus, no one's beheading no one here!" She suddenly exclaimed.

"Tch."

"Learn to take a joke, goddamnit!"

…

Did she… did she just call me an overreacting baby?

Me? The guy who's always asking others to show some emotional maturity and stop acting so hurt over a mere prank was just asked to 'learn to take a joke'?

Oh.

My.

Fucking.

God.

I-I never even realised. When did I turn into such a monster? When did I become the very thing I so abhorred?

Shit.

Just end me, man, just end me. I really, truly, cannot live with this.

"It hasn't even been 15 minutes and I'm already exhausted!" Jennifer said.

I heard a loud clang the next moment.

It would seem Jennifer had thrown the sword away. I was so absorbed in my self-loathing that my eyes didn't even register her action.

"This isn't what Azell told me," she sighed.

"…Then what exactly did he tell you?"

What the fuck is the Wanker Leader up to? Is he trying to make me commit suicide by making me depressed or what?

"What's gotten you in the dumps?"

"You wouldn't understand," I sighed. "Anyway, what did Azell say?"

"He asked me to say something really stupid and closely watch your face. According to him, your expression should have been the highlight of my day. You weren't supposed to actually try and kill yourself."

Huh, looks like these motherfuckers have still not given up on hurting me.

Do they not realise that pranking me just to laugh at my reactions can actually emotionally scar me?

No, then don't. They only think about themselves.

Fucking assholes.

It almost makes me want to postpone my killing myself plans just to pull a prank so epic on them that their soul itself would never forget it.

Almost.

"Huh, rookie mistake. Anyway, what else did he tell you?"

Let's see what that little bitch is planning.

"…" She suddenly scowled at me. "He also asked me to keep an eye on you because you might try to kill yourself the moment you get an opportunity."

"Damn, he's good."

I genuinely didn't expect him to think that far ahead.

Killing myself is actually turning into quite an ordeal, wow.

"Huh?"

"I mean don't listen to him, he's just exaggerating. I value my life and would never try to end it just because I couldn't get a chocolate shake."

I totally would.

"Yeah? Then what was that just now?"

Oh, shit.

"Learn to take a joke, Ms. Jennifer," I smiled. "Show some emotional maturity."

Heh, take that, big gurl.

"Right, that was a joke," she rolled her eyes.

How rude of her to doubt the words of a dodgy 12-year-old child.

"Obviously," I said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Or do you seriously think I'll end my life over being late on my first day at a new Guild?"

If yes, then she would be absolutely right.

"Well, I've been told that you are suicidal, so…"

"Azell and the others are just overreacting babies," I sighed exasperatedly. "Their sense of humour is simply abysmal. It's almost impressive that they never realise when I'm just joking. They take everything seriously, then spread stupid lies."

Like me killing myself the moment I get an opportunity.

"You seem to have built up a lot of grudges."

"I just can't help it!" I exclaimed. "You know, one evening, Azell asked whether I was ready for the day to be over. Like any normal person, I saw the opportunity for a play and jokingly replied that I was ready for my life to be over. It was just friendly banter between fellow corporate slaves intended to get some cheap laughs. But guess what Azell did. Guess what he fucking did."

"…What did he do?" Jennifer asked, seemingly a bit taken aback by my sudden outburst.

"He sat me down and gave me a sermon for 30 straight minutes. I wasn't even thinking about killing myself before that, goddamnit, but during his lecture I was genuinely wondering whether I should jump from a cliff or a tall building."

"…"

"Like, jesus fucking christ, those guys are too stuck up. I have to think 10 times before making a joke. Just relax and chill, man. Seriously," I let out a deep sigh. "I seriously hope you are not like them."

As I asked that, I glanced at the sword Jennifer had just thrown, and she noticed it.

"Uh, don't worry," she forced a smile. "I have a very good sense of humour."

"You have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you."

"R-right," she averted her gaze.

GG, mission complete.

Azell tried to be a smartass by telling Jennifer what type of person I was and what to look out for, but he did a sloppy job.

He was unsuccessful in erasing Jennifer's doubt about whether a 12-year-old child could really be suicidal.

Exploiting that suspicion to twist the narrative in my favour was more than easy.

With this, Jennifer would be much less likely to get in my way.

Azell did take some steps in the right direction, but he's still trillions of years too early to take me on.

So yea, get fucked, loser.