Harem God: Leveling Up Yanderes in the Apocalypse

[A/N: You're about to read a satirical roast fest. If I was going to make a creative decision, I wouldn't point out everything wrong with it mercilessly.]

-

"Tricksie, wait!" Leon cried as the bunny woman took an overpowered swing, hitting the Sanctuary Barrier.

—

[Sanctuary has blocked an attack. The enemy is in a safe zone and cannot be ejected.]

—

"Hey, you meany!" Mindy snapped, looking at Tricksie with murderous eyes, "Did you really think Leo would let you hit me?"

"Of course not, silly!" Tricksie giggled cheerily, flashing the woman a bright smile, eyes closed.

The bunny woman squatted to reach eye level with the cat woman, "I was just thinking about how much fun it'd be to play together and how this barrier makes it impossible to get in trouble for playing. Isn't that wonderful?"

If people didn't know Tricksie, they'd think she was talking to her little sister—she was that bright and charming. However, many had watched her turn a titan into a toy and, thus, shivered.

However, the pink-haired cat woman didn't back down.

"Riiiiiiii~ght!?" Mindy chimed merrily, eyes closed and smiling, "If we did, you couldn't catch me, so your power would be worthless. Then I could toy around with you to your confused heart's content before Leo reminded me that neither of us is touchable. Ha~ha!"

The sickly-sweet bloodlust in the air felt like toxic plasma, sending electric anxiety through people's veins and corroding their lungs. It was a truly horrifying sight after what they had seen Mindy do at the event!

"That's enough you two." Leon smiled in amusement, glad that they understood that fighting was off-limits and at least spoke the same language, "Mindy, would you like to say something to me?"

"Yeah!" Mindy cried, her eyes widening in excitement when she remembered what she was doing.

She turned to him with a horrifyingly at ease expression, flashing a smile people use when their crush said yes, got accepted to a school, or got their dream job.

The area fell silent when they didn't see the slightest hesitation in her expression. Everyone could tell she was stoked to get an excuse to say something that would probably get her murdered any other day.

"I wanted to ask if you'd accept me into your harem!" Mindy exclaimed cheerily.

Leon's jaw lowered slowly, looking at her bright face.

"Oh..."

Drop mic.

Dead silence.

Doubt & disbelief.

A cute smiley cat woman.

One trembling, wide-eyed blonde.

An enraged brunette clenching her fists.

Assertive rock kicks from an absentminded brunette.

Bunny ears flopping back and forth, awaiting the kill order.

Involuntary miasma release from a shady woman.

Application submissions for kill exceptions.

Nervous haremites, awaiting his ruling.

Half-loli fans biting their nails.

Heavy expectations.

Leon Traxler—

Hated his

Life.

"How to phrase this…." Leon winced, trying to accept her gesture without [accepting] her.

"[Yes] works, silly." Mindy responded cheerily.

"Technically…." He groaned, using his eyes to signal against his partners striking the woman down, "While I accept your… desire… to join my harem—"

"Why not!" She huffed, her hands on her hips, "You like and trust me enough to use your power on me, right? That's rare, and I [know] you want the power boost!"

Leon's entire facial muscle system frowned from his eyelids down.

Mindy was right—she was one of the few people he felt compatible with his harem, trusted enough to use his power on, and felt could survive his women. She met every criterion except—

"Look, Mindy." He winced, "You… look underage. If we put you up in a dress, I'd look like I had a legitimate child in my harem."

"Hyrumpha!" Mindy snapped sassily, "I'm well above your culturally acceptable age of consent, mister! Are you saying that women with small bodies and soft features shouldn't be able to find love because it can lead to misperceptions!?"

Leon bit his teeth down lightly in a wincing frown-smile. He was officially on the defensive, between a rock and a hard spot, regarding his phobia!

The Dainty Death Squad turned to him with [locked, loaded, and awaiting your order for annihilation] expressions, but he put up his hand to hold them back.

"It's not the small body." He sighed after significant thought, "Take Fritz, she's abnormally adorable because of her size, but she also looks like a classy woman, not like a child.

Unless a woman is completely flat-chested, being short and thin doesn't make them look like a child. Put anyone in an elegant cocktail dress and have them articulate like an adult, and the misperception disappears.

So people above age can almost always avoid looking like a child. Thus it's an artistic choice to look like a… loli."

"Loli, hmmm?" Mindy blinked twice murderously, making him shiver, "You just laid out how to avoid loli-ism, right? Do I lack eloquence or the ability to articulate statements?"

"No." Leon sighed.

"Do I follow you around silently and only speak to threaten people or kill things?" She mused.

"You don't do that either." He said dryly.

"Do I have a 'completely flat chest,' or C-cup breasts?" Mindy asked with a vicious smile, "Or have you never looked?"

Leon glanced at her chest momentarily just for appearances. As she said, she had C-cup breasts, perfectly proportionate to her body size.

She was a perfect reminder that A-Z breast designations aren't a unit of measurement but a proportion of fill within band size.

Since she had a small body and thus a small band size, DD-cup breasts would be the size of Caitlyn's normal C's.

"I can see you have well-proportioned breasts." He sighed, "None of those things are problems."

"Then what is, mister?" Mindy huffed, crossing her arms cutely with her eyes closed, turned her body away, turned her head back, and opened one eye, "What's so loli about me!?"

"Wearing strawberry panties doesn't help." Leon replied dryly.

Her face turned bright red to the tip of her ears, and she turned away completely. "How superficial! I can change what I wear upon request, you know!"

"I don't like deciding what people wear or how they act." He sighed.

"Well, now that I know you don't like strawberry panties, I hate them." Mindy declared boldly.

Leon took a deep breath, trying not to smile gently at the woman. He did like Mindy, but she was a front-grade super-explosive phobia-triggering death nova!

Unlike claustrophobia or arachnophobia stemming from personal perceptions, his phobia stemmed from other people's perceptions.

He didn't have a problem with Mindy, her body, her appearance, or having sex with her, and he didn't see her as a child. What he had a problem with didn't matter; other people did!

And for good reason! [Many] content creators create legitimate child characters, slap on the name loli, and then fantasize about dating a twelve-year-old.

That's not a sub-culture thing; that's simple pedophilia!

Any time you have to attach the word [legal] to anything, legal killing, legal drugs, legal torture… it's still the fucking thing that you added the word "legal" to!

And while hunting is legal killing, aspirin is legal drugs, and BDSM is legal torture, the term [legal loli] exclusively screams, [I LOVE ILLEGAL LOLIS BUT THEY'RE ILLEGAL!] so give me some guilt-free child action!

Ahem! The key term is [many].

There were a lot more loli lovers on Earth pre-apocalypse than pedophiles—hopefully.

After decades of seriously-though-how-isn't-this-illegal Japanese entertainment culture, a lot of cultured people developed a love for cute clothing.

And such clothing looks extremely creepy on Big Berthas, Wretched Gretchens, Still-trying Sarahs, and every other woman with mature or even [hot] facial features.

If people didn't like that clothing, women wouldn't voluntarily wear strawberry panties!

It wasn't like Mindy was running an Only Fans and threw her hair up in pigtails to advertise to Leon. She just loved cute clothing at first sight and had a small body! [1]

Could he fault her? Hah. He~could, but—

Leon had his women walking around with bows, polka-dots, and hair clips!

—he'd [look] like a total hypocrite!

Mindy awaited his answer with an impatient front but a cracking heart, uncertain and afraid of rejection. Everyone else was also on edge; it was a surprisingly stressful situation.

Leon analyzed Mindy with a wry smile.

-

Underage [X]

Cute AF [O]

Small body? [O]

Small breasts? [X]

Talks like a child? [X]

Talks like a teenager? [O]

"Curious" about sexual things? [X]

Childish excitement and mannerisms [O]

Not adult-like ever. [X]

Strawberry Panties [negotiable]

Yandere Personality [#sketchy]

-

Mindy Lasco was a half-loli.

That was the conclusion that Leon came to after further analysis. She had all the cultured traits of a loli without the creepy pedophile wish-fulfillment qualities.

It was as if the god council sent a candidate meticulously chosen with strict criteria to eliminate all the things he had a problem with so she'd barely make the cut.

Hell, if she was eager to please him, he could dress her up like an adult, and she would be a normal beast woman. So it's not like she'd become a 1000-year-old grand elder superchild.

Moreover, if he bound to her, she might turn out to be a gnarled adult on the inside!

He found it difficult to refuse her. However, there was one problem—

"I'll consider it." Leon said, making her eyes glitter and many people gasp, "On some conditions."

Mindy winced, and the atmosphere became tense. "What are your conditions? I'll do my best…."

"If I accept, you will be the Dainty Death Squad Manager and will not wear a Dainty Dress." He said matter-of-factly, removing any room for negotiation, "The dresses magnify my partners' terror factor on the battlefield.

Frankly, one would only make you look like a twelve-year-old. I refuse to feel like I've added a child to my harem.

This provision would not extend to normal dresses. It only extends to the intentionally childish dresses my partners wear."

Mindy cocked her head in slight perplexion. "Is that it? I have no problem with that. I'm cute enough without a frilly dress; my pink-hair-white-fluffy-ears combo alone murders the cute competition."

"Good…." Leon blinked twice at her earnest expression and nodded, "As for the second, I would withhold sexual acts until I was comfortable with public image and relationship development.

Understand that this doesn't reflect you, but my phobia."

Mindy puffed out her cheeks cutely, and she turned away in annoyance. She didn't like that provision at all! At the same time, she knew that it wasn't a negotiable thing.

If she didn't abide by these rules, the relationship wouldn't be up for discussion.

Or he might use his super sketchy personality manipulating power to crank up the adult on her! With her permission, of course, but still!

"Fine." She said with her lips in a pout, "I accept. But you better not hoochie up to random floozies before you accept me!"

Leon smiled wryly, hearing her language that said [I accept your terms of agreement], instead of [I accept your terms of consideration]. He turned to Caitlyn, Lindy, Reina, and Tricksie.

"It was always gonna happen, so stop being a tsundere about it." Lindy sighed, turning away in bitter-sweet annoyance.

Unlike most relationships, Leon's harem was his power, and she wouldn't stop it from growing. That being the case, she was glad she liked the next person on the roster.

"I think it's wonderful." Tricksie smiled with a horrifying aura.

"Oh, me?" Reina asked dramatically, pointing at her own face when he looked at her, "I don't know. I think it's great to have more people, especially if they are from different races or bring new perspectives. You know?"

Leon frowned, seeing that she couldn't find obvious lies to match her personality template, so she used something generic instead. However, she was genuinely consenting, and that was what mattered.

Caitlyn looked at the little woman's cat ears with a horrifying desire to "accidentally" clip them off before the discussion progressed. "I'm—"

"No." A woman said chillingly, dropping the temperature of the atmosphere around them.

Leon's eyes widened, and he turned to the speaker in shock, worried there was a dark secret he needed to know about. "Why, Minx?"

The shadow cat's eyes were neon pink, staring Mindy down with a murderous glare.

"Because I also want to be in your harem, and I'm not a loli." Minx declared boldly, turning to him, "So choose me instead."