Death, Devotion, Dissonance

What was it that was so important that Evin needed lose limb and blood to obtain?

It wasn't patriotism, the desire to become strong so he could protect the kingdom from its enemies. For most others, this seemed to be the case, especially so for young mages and young soldiers. Evin was also like them once, but the Voice made sure to wipe out any and all signs of goodwill towards the kingdom from Evin's mind.

It thoroughly educated Evin in the matters of selfishness and not dedicating one's everything to something that's job was the use him. Of course, Evin still liked his country, but he couldn't say he'd sacrifice his life for it.

Perhaps a month ago, he'd be wanting to become more like king Roland and become a legendary figure in the history of the kingdom… but that also started to feel off. Especially after Evin read king Seth's letters about his father's last days. Weirdly, by reading king Seth's letter, Evin's respect for the current king fell a notch as well. Perhaps the Voice's random rant about the current king being unfit to rule had some truth to it after all.

In that case, was it because he needed to become strong so he could help out the Voice? That was definitely not it, as his head was getting filled with thoughts on how he could stay together with it.

That left him only with one reason. Survival.

He needed to become strong, so he wouldn't get bullied by people wanting to use him, like the Chairman and not die due to the hatred of unstable noble children, like Decatur.

'It feels like such a shitty reason…' Evin couldn't help but sigh, not wanting to talk to Bella about the reasoning behind his actions.

But he felt obliged to reply with something, as the act itself felt important to him. "I guess I just like the thrill of learning and improving myself… though that sounds like I'm dodging the question."

"It does sound like you're dodging the question."

"But it is true that I like both those things. It's just… I thought I had a lot more reasons to do all this, but now that I really think about it, I have very few."

"Sigh… you're too young to be losing our way in life, you know?"

Evin frowned.

"Then what's your dream? Surely, you have a better one, since you're so adamant on criticizing mine."

"Mine?" Bella sighed. "Mine's easy. It's revenge."

"Revenge?"

Evin had many guesses, but revenge definitely wasn't one of them.

"Yes, revenge. Revenge for my mother, who died regretting her life… revenge for her friend, who only wanted to live a happy life, but was implicated because of a crazy woman… and revenge for myself, because I just want to."

"Revenge against who?"

"…"

"Not talking?"

"Mmm," she shrugged.

Evin went through the information in his head, and decided that it was not really his business.

"It's a bit surprising to learn, but good luck on your revenge. Hope you don't lose a leg in the process," he said with a chuckle, then winced due to the pain that pulsed through his head.

Only after ten heartbeats of him hoping the pain would go away, he was able to push away Bella's hand which was on his back.

"Thanks as always, for being here with me."

Bella shook her head, and smiled brightly at Evin. "It's never bothersome to be with you. I especially like how you don't tell me stupid bullshit like 'Revenge is bad and shouldn't be something to strive for'."

"Revenge is an exquisite meal. Not everyone can enjoy it, but they can't really know whether they like it or not if they don't try it." Another piece of wisdom from the Voice. "So I guess it's best if you go through with this revenge of yours quickly and see what happens."

"Never thought I'd hear words like this from someone. What are you going to tell me next? That it's okay to go around torturing people for fun?"

"Sure, but torturing others is illegal, so I recommend you keep a low profile if you need to," Evin smiled.

"Idiot," Bella smiled back and the two of them shared another moment of tension between them.

But like always, they would wait for it to pass, neither of them wanting to break the balance they found. If the Voice was more talkative, he'd probably tell Evin to confess, asking him what was the worst that could happen.

After finishing their drinks, they decided that it was time to finish for the day, and found their way back to Evin's dorm room.

He was a sweaty mess at the end of it, but he was satisfied with the progress he made on the first day he got out. He promised Bella to call her if anything happened and was left alone in his room. He promptly flopped into his bed and waited until for his ragged breathing to calm down.

Eventually, he got up and entered the bathroom. He preferred showering before, but the past two days taught him it wasn't meant to be. He filled the bathtub with water and slowly descended into it, his good foot going first.

<Are you still going to stay silent all the time?> he then asked inwardly.

<I don't get why you have to be like this. I'm not the one who shoved you inside my head, so stop blaming me for getting attached to you.>

More and more, Evin was becoming more honest with his feelings. He was sure that eventually, he'd be able to be more honest with Bella as well. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

<You might think that I'm just being selfish, seeing you as a convenient way to cast magic, but you know that's not wholly true. I know that I'm dependent on you, but it's not because I find you convenient. It's because I like your company. Why is it so wrong of me to want what I want?>

If he could, he'd just make a family with Bella and with the Voice and Leanne as their guardians. He wondered if the Voice found Leanne attractive? He must, right?

<I know you're going to say that you'll still stay close to me after we separate, but we both know it's a lie. You're capable of much more without me hindering your progress, so you're definitely going to leave me alone.>

This was the biggest reason why he didn't want to separate with the Voice. He knew he was an obstacle in its path, which meant that the Voice would never be able to rely on him on anything. After they separated, maybe they'd meet each other once a year as tradition, but they'd grow more and more distant each time. And hence…

'I must make myself worthy to stand by its side by the time we separate.'

This was Evin's conclusion to the biggest problem he was facing right now.