i'm not a bad man

Chapter 526 You are all fine
Under the dazzling sunshine, I squatted down and looked at Luan Yu in the photo, but kept my hand on her face. I couldn't help but think of all the things we had experienced together.

She was once the closest person to me. We ate together, lived together, and even wandered together...

There seems to be a special magnetic field and energy in front of the tombstone. As soon as I close my eyes, these past events are not just a fragment in my memory, it is actually happening. I can even see the corners of Luan Yu's eyes in these pictures. The mole underneath.

Luan Yu complained to me more than once, saying that this was a tear mole, which symbolized a hard life and would shed tears. I told her: Don’t be superstitious. This mole is so beautiful and sexy. If you have a nine-point appearance, , this mole is another point, a symbol of perfection.

I was wrong. Looking at Luan Yu's posthumous photo, I realized that I was really wrong. This mole was a symbol of a miserable life, so that she left this world early before she had time to enjoy life.

I finally sat down against Luan Yu’s tombstone, finally lit a cigarette, and took a deep breath; in the thick smoke, I kept staring at the cigarette in my hand, and then said: “When we were together before, You always didn't let me smoke. You hid my cigarettes in the cupboard, under the bed, and even next to the toilet... But I couldn't change my habit of smoking. When I got addicted to cigarettes, I would get angry at you... ...Gradually, you stopped caring about me, and I thought you were too lazy to care about me, and our relationship faded away; in fact, you just didn't want to quarrel with me... Thinking about it carefully, the few years we were together were really good. We quarreled until we were hoarse and exhausted in the end... What you are dissatisfied with me about is that I am not making progress, I don't want to settle down, let alone marry you and have children... I don't have anything particularly dissatisfied with you. I just don’t want to face your needs, and I hate you telling me these things over and over again, but I never thought that the reason why you are still willing to tell me is because you are not completely desperate. When you really feel desperate , and left... Now, I finally don’t think so anymore. I begin to long for a vigorous career and a child... However, I am very tired. This kind of tiredness is not only physical and mental exhaustion, but sometimes even It doesn't matter whether I'm alive or dead. This kind of mentality has made me very indifferent. This indifference is beneficial. I have killed many people and done many things that I couldn't bear to do before... I will soon I succeeded, so before I go back to that small town, I really want to come and see you... But what can I do if I see you? Apart from making me sad, everything is of no use, and it makes me look like I am nagging..."

I squeezed the cigarette in my hand, then closed my eyes and smiled. I smiled, but shed tears...

"By the way, during the Chinese New Year this year, I found my parents. They were having a very bad life. My father made a living by collecting scraps outside, and my mother lived with him in a dark shanty town... At that moment , I have a sense of responsibility in my heart that I have never had before. Men must become mature... But behind maturity, there is also an unbearable loneliness... There is no one around me who can talk. People have to think and ponder everything by themselves... So, I will think of you, sometimes even frequently; at that time, we were lying on the same bed, doing nothing, saying whatever came to mind, just like As if there were no secrets, I even told you about how I used to wet the bed when I was a kid, and you also told me that because I was curious about what it felt like to pee standing up, I secretly tried it when I was a kid and ended up peeing all over my pants... Haha, everyone. It’s a life of mortal flesh, where shit, urine, and farts are mixed together, that’s the real life... Unfortunately, in later life, I never met a woman who could talk about anything... It seems that we all feel that in our hearts There are secrets that are hard to tell!”

"I miss you very much, I really miss you... It's too false to say sorry in this life. If we meet again in the next life, we will exchange identities. You will be a prodigal son, and then you will torture me... Let me experience you personally. Those moods that used to get in me.”

……

Under the sun, the wind blew over my hairless head. My heart was filled with chills. I finally stopped talking and just sat quietly beside Luan Yu’s tombstone, accompanying her from early morning. to dusk.

I don't know if I will have a chance to see her again in the future.

……

Before leaving, I used a discarded bottle to get some water from a creek, and then washed the tombstone and her photo. The saddest thing in life is this, when you want to do something for a person , but can only clean tombstones and photos.

Heartache, heartache, beyond words.

……

After leaving the cemetery, I went to the community where Luan Yu lived before his death. This was my second time here, and the purpose was to meet Lu Ming. I didn’t see Lu Ming, but only Luan Yu’s mother. At the gate of the community, she seemed to have just returned from the supermarket, carrying special dishes with yellow codes in her hands.

My Adam's apple squirmed and I finally shouted, "Auntie."

She looked back at me, and I looked at her. She had obviously more white hair on her head than when we last met, and her face was still haggard and world-weary.

"Are you Han Chao?"

"It's me, Auntie." I hurriedly stepped forward to hold the old shopping bag and the yellow-coded specials for her. She stared at me for a long time before asking, "Why are you here?" Kunming?"

"Let's see Luan Yu..." After a short pause, I added, "I also want to talk to Lu Ming."

When I talked about Luan Yu, Luan Yu's mother's mood was relatively calm, but when I talked about Lu Ming, her expression was full of guilt; so much so that after a moment, she said to me: "Lu Ming is here." The hospital is taking care of Xiaoyu’s father.”

"How is uncle?"

"It relapsed some time ago... I'm afraid there won't be many days left... He doesn't want to go abroad for treatment again, for fear that he won't be able to come back."

I felt so uncomfortable that I fell into silence. Fate was too cruel to this family and to this shaky middle-aged woman in front of me!

In the daze, my arm was pushed, and I came back to my senses, then looked at Luan Yu's mother.

"You may as well come here, go and persuade Lu Ming, let him not waste time on us... It's time for him to have a new life, find a woman with a good life, and live his life well... Luan Yu has already apologized to him enough, so how can we have the nerve to drag him down!"

"I don't know how to persuade him. He is a man of faith."

"I know that he is a man of faith. Xiaoyu's father and I have tried to persuade him more than once, but he has always rejected... Go ahead and give it a try. Maybe you can have a more heart-to-heart talk..."

I don't know what the basis is for Luan Yu's mother to say that we can have a heart-to-heart talk, but I really feel the apology she feels for Lu Ming in her heart.

I don't feel sorry for Lu Ming, but I feel sorry for Luan Yu even more. It would be great if the first man she met was Lu Ming. Lu Ming would definitely not delay her. Maybe they would have gotten married early. Maybe there will be a child.

If Luan Yu's fate is doomed, but with a child, there will finally be a continuation, and Luan Yu's parents will also have a spiritual support to avoid complete collapse.

I didn't know how to make up for my inner apology, so I took out a document bag full of money from my bag again, handed it to Luan Yu's mother and said, "Auntie, I came in such a hurry this time that I didn't have time to give you anything." You and your uncle buy gifts, there is a little money here, you..."

Before I finished speaking, I was interrupted by Luan Yu's mother shaking her head: "Take it back, this thing has no meaning to us anymore... If you really feel that you are guilty of Xiao Yu, please advise her." Lu Ming, don’t let Xiaoyu delay his life.”

I just stood there.

Luan Yu's mother patted my arm gently, and then said: "Go, child... go and persuade him... You are all well. The dead are gone, and the living are the most important!"

(End of this chapter)