i'm not a bad man

Chapter 38 Perfect preparation

This time, I did not reply to the message sent by Lu Xi immediately. I had lost the mood to laugh with others, so I put the phone back in my pocket, then sat on the rocks and lit a cigarette.

I'm quite stupid. After staying in Qingdao for so long, what I'm waiting for is Luan Yu's complete denial. Recalling the past, she seems to be in pain; when talking about the current happiness, she is full of satisfaction and yearning.

This made me full of frustration. Even though we did the coolest and chicest thing in the world together, she still loved her half-heartedly.

I am not her favorite man in the world, I just appeared earlier. What she really loves is the man who made her willing to have her hymen repaired; just now, I have seen her try her best to protect this man. Love has no room for error.

She no longer cares about my happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy, but actually asked me to leave Qingdao for that man's preference!

Hasn't she ever thought that in the past year or so in Qingdao, I already have someone who worries me a lot?For example, Ren Ran, Ba Xiaoguang... and Lu Xi, who made me feel fondly.

Why should I give up these people for her happiness?

She is really selfish!

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became, so I grabbed the 6 yuan she left behind and wanted to throw it into the sea; the harm she caused me was no less than when my parents killed my most beloved dog.

The moment I raised my hand, my phone vibrated in my pocket again. Although I didn't take it out, my attention was distracted... and I suddenly calmed down.

Just like she has no right to ask me to leave Qingdao, I have no right to dispose of the money she left at will, because this is an exchange. I have no right to dispose of the money before I leave Qingdao as she wishes. .

exchange?

How ironic and ridiculous this word is when used between me and Luan Yu!

……

I put the money I had raised back on the rocks, feeling empty in my heart, but the sea water was turned into huge waves by the strong wind, roaring and pressing towards me, making it impossible for me to completely calm down.

I can't even close my eyes. As long as I close my eyes, those scenes I experienced with Luan Yu will come flooding back.I would find some evidence of happiness because of these pictures, but our results were so embarrassing and dishonorable; so the process and the result became two forces, pulling to the limit in my spiritual world.

This is probably where human suffering comes from; if I had a choice, I would rather never have met Luan Yu; she probably doesn't want to have this experience, otherwise, she wouldn't regard me as a nightmare for her.

In fact, looking at the relationship between the two of us from her perspective, she seemed to have done nothing wrong, because humans are animals that know how to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, and have a desire to survive. When she felt that our RV life was not When the sense of security is not a long-term solution, she will instinctively find a new way out for herself; this is the same as when I chose to leave the home that made me feel pain and fear.

The mistake was that she shouldn't use her love for that man to hurt me; it would make me feel useless, drifting, and uneasy.

I even felt like a clown. I thought I gave her the most romantic life in the world, but in the end, what she liked was money and the security that money brings...

I was almost driven crazy by these messy emotions, so I got up and roared crazily at the waves until I was exhausted and couldn't breathe normally.

……

The phone vibrated in my pocket again. I raised my head and forced myself into a relatively calm state. Then I took out the phone. This was a call from Ren Ran. She had also called me before. In addition to the messages she sent, there was also a message from Luxi, and I didn’t reply.

"Miss Ran..."

"I sent you a message and didn't reply. Where are you now? Do you have time to go see the construction site with me? ... If you can confirm that the project will be completed in four months, I will sign the contract with the customer in the afternoon."

"I'm in the same spot where the RV was parked."

"Why did you go there again?"

I didn't answer Ren Ran directly, but just said: "It's not convenient to take a taxi here, so you can pick me up."

Ren Ran asked tentatively: "Uh... are you in a bad mood?"

After pondering for a while, I replied: "Sister Ran...if I want to go back to Tianjin for a visit, will you support me?"

I was already prepared to be scolded by Ren Ran, but she asked in a concerned tone: "Are you homesick?"

I was stunned by Ren Ran's question. I actually had no desire to go home, but my subconscious told me that it was time to go home and take a look.Maybe it was because Luan Yu’s words reminded me; she said that her father’s health has not been very good this year. I suddenly realized that my parents are also old, and they will only be older than Luan Yu’s parents. Because they marry late and have children, especially my dad, who was 33 when he gave birth to me, so he is 59 years old this year. They say that 59 is a hurdle in a man’s life. In addition, his mood is not good these years, but his health is not bad. ?
I had this concern in my heart, but I didn't dare to go back because I didn't have anything they expected to see in me.After all these years, I still don’t have a career, a family, or even a stable girlfriend, so when I asked Ren Ran this question, I seemed so unsure.

Ren Ran seemed to feel my mood. When I was silent, she added: "If you want to go home, I will definitely support you to go back and have a look... But you can't go back to Qingdao after you go back... I will be disappointed and sad.”

"Let's meet and talk."

"Ah."

……

After the call with Ren Ran ended, my mood gradually calmed down; this time, I didn’t put down my phone again. I found the WeChat message Lu Xi sent me, and finally replied to her: “It’s not the handicraft, it’s me. I stayed up all night to make it... If you don’t believe it, you can come to my RV and take a look, the wood chips for carving are still in the trash can.”

"It's much prettier than the straw ones." "So, you're not angry anymore?"

"How can anyone give someone a gift for the first time and throw it away before the other person clearly expresses whether they like it or not?"

"I really didn't think it was a gift at the time. I just made it up for fun. Then I remembered there was something better, so of course I wanted to give it to you better."

"Really, then why didn't you throw yourself into the sea as well?... Before you changed for the better."

"You really like to compete!"

"I just like to compete with you. Who makes you so outrageous? You are still out of tune."

Normally, I would have regarded Lu Xi's words as a joke, but at this moment, I was in a state of severe self-doubt, and I couldn't help but feel a little sad because of her words.After being silent for a long time, I replied: "Yes, there will never be anyone more unreliable and out of tune than me in this world... Suddenly I remembered another song by Cui Jian, "Nothing." , looking back, except what you said is unreliable and out of tune, I really have nothing... Do you know? If it weren't for the money you left, I wouldn't even be able to eat now. "

"You also have an RV."

"Yes, I also have an RV. With it, I can go wherever I want...Are you free tonight? I will send you this little deer. What color do you like? You can fill it yourself. Taobao They sell paint online, it’s very simple.”

"Why don't you color for me?"

"I start and you finish, so that it seems interactive...and I don't know what color you like."

"As long as it's not black, I don't like it... Just fill it in for me, I'm afraid I'll mess it up."

"I probably won't have time. I may leave Qingdao for the time being."

"where to?"

"I want to go home and have a look."

"Oh, when will you be back?"

This question in Luxi finally made me think about the scene after I return home; if my parents have aged rapidly and become ill, can I still come back?
Based on this worst-case scenario, I replied: "Maybe I won't come back."

"Okay, let's have dinner together tonight...this time, I'll treat you."

"Okay, I'll contact you again tonight."

……

After the conversation with Lu Xi, I calmed down completely and began to become rational; I knew that I left Qingdao not on a whim. I had been wandering for four years. I had long wanted to go back, but I never found it. The courage and reason; now, even if I am still alone and have accomplished nothing, I must go back and take a look, because Luan Yu's words made me deeply realize that my parents are already old.

If, without me, their life is better, I will return to Qingdao; if, they live a bad life, or even get old and sick, I will carefully consider whether to go or stay... None of this depends on whether Luan Yu wants to I left Qingdao because of their living conditions.

I thought so.

……

After a while, Ren Ran arrived here, parked the car in the open space, and walked quickly towards me.When she came to me, she said to me in a very serious tone: "Han Chao, on the way here, I have been thinking about you going home... That day, you told me that you were leaving home. After the whole experience of running away... I have my own opinion. I know your concerns and the burden on your mind... Don't say that I gave you random ideas. If you don't want to have a relationship with your parents again If there is a stalemate, you really have to be fully prepared.”

I was a little confused: "What kind of complete preparation?"

"You have to let them know that you have lived the life you want in the past few years outside; therefore, you have to package yourself appropriately... This is not difficult. If you are sure you want to go back and take a look, I will buy it for you. A few sets of decent clothes, and then I will lend you a car, and buy some high-end gifts for your parents... But I can only be regarded as a support. Whether I can package it thoroughly, the key still depends on you..."

"What's wrong with me?"

Ren Ran looked at me, and then after a short silence, he replied: "You really have to bring a girlfriend back... You know, what your parents care about most, and compared to what you did when you ran away from home, One year, you are four years older, so emotional problems are already imminent... If you can't give them a perfect explanation on emotional issues... I advise you not to go back for the time being... Otherwise, you will face The situation is probably worse than before you left."

Ren Ran is right, the first rift between me and my parents was my emotional problems.They desperately hoped that I could find a good woman, so they forced me to fall in love with a woman who I didn't like and didn't like me. In the end, they made me suffer all the humiliation.

Four years later, I am four years older than before, but I still haven't been able to solve my emotional problems. They will only become more anxious. In addition, when I left without saying goodbye, can they still treat me with a welcoming attitude?
I also want to have a decent girlfriend to give them some comfort and to resolve the many years of knots and conflicts between us; but...

I forced a smile and finally replied: "If my girlfriend can buy it with money, I really want to borrow some money from you to buy one and take it home."

"Don't be stupid. Since I told you, I already have a candidate in mind...it depends on whether you dare to think about it and whether you dare to do it."

"Who is the candidate?"

"Han Chao, you really have to listen to every word I say next. This may be the best opportunity in your life... I remember you told me that Luxi's team has always hoped that you can Establish a relationship with her to cope with the public opinion crisis she has encountered recently... As for you, you also need such a woman to give you the confidence to go home... You can simply take her home... Don't deliberately think about her Status, you should use the way you are best at getting along with her... Judging from your consistent affinity with women... I think in such an environment with the right time, place and people, you really have a chance to get her..."

(End of this chapter)