i'm not a bad man

Chapter 25 Let me be your shadow

I didn't like Lin Xiangyu very much, so I didn't care why he came but didn't come in; my attention was all on Zuo Xiaowei. Faced with Lin Xiangyu's urging, she didn't show any urgency. After taking a look at me, he said to Lin Xiangyu who was standing outside: "Wait for me for another five minutes, or you can go smoke another cigarette."

"Okay, then I'll wait for you downstairs. It's rush hour right now, so it's hard to take a taxi. I'll call Didi first. You should hurry up and don't let the driver wait for us."

"it is good."

Zuo Xiaowei responded, and Lin Xiangyu left. I was a little confused, why did Zuo Xiaowei want these 5 minutes?
I was waiting for her to speak, but she just looked at me with a complicated look and refused to speak. Finally, I had to break the silence and asked her first: "Are you ready to buy a car?"

"Ah."

"Why do you suddenly have money?" After a pause, I joked again: "You really have found the old baby you dreamed of, right?"

"I don't have an old baby. I saved a little and asked my parents for a little."

"That's very good."

I don't know what I said wrong. Zuo Xiaowei suddenly looked at me with tears in her eyes, which made me a little bit at a loss: "What's wrong with you?"

"I decided to go to BJ with Lin Xiangyu to develop."

I disagreed: "What then?"

"Can you please stop being so indifferent?... After that, we will be people on two different paths from now on... Before I told you, I knew you would be very indifferent, but I couldn't think of this with an indifferent attitude. This thing, because leaving Qingdao means that the youth that can be used for willfulness has completely ended. I ended it voluntarily... Like most young people, I will wander in BJ, struggle in BJ, and wait for someone in BJ. An opportunity to get ahead... But this is not my original intention. I also want to be like you, always on the road, no need to be blinded by money, no need to be troubled by various interpersonal relationships... I come to you, in addition to and You say goodbye also to thank you. Thank you for giving me such a dream. I have no hatred for you, only admiration. If you want to continue walking on the road in the future, remember to take my dream with you... In reality, We can part ways, but mentally, let me be your shadow."

I suddenly felt sad, but I didn’t know how to express my emotions in front of Zuo Xiaowei, let alone say any words of blessing...

No wonder Zuo Xiaowei had such a big reaction when I said I was leaving, because between leaving and staying, the sad one is always the one who stays, and now, I have decided to stay in Qingdao.

After a long time, I finally said to her: "You have decided to go to BJ, why are you still buying a car in Qingdao?... You can't drive your car in BJ."

"I want to take everything I can take away with me."

"It can be transported using logistics."

Zuo Xiaowei shook her head: "There are things in here that I particularly care about. I don't want to leave them to the logistics. I want to take them myself."

"Okay, let's get to BJ..."

Zuo Xiaowei stared at me, waiting for me to give her the last words. I also wanted to give her a beautiful word, but in the end my thousands of words just turned into one sentence: "When we get to BJ, come on."

"I will work hard, and you will be fine in Qingdao."

After saying that, Zuo Xiaowei left the ward under my gaze. I felt very uncomfortable. I never thought that Lin Xiangyu came to Qingdao not just to deliver records, but he also wanted to take Zuo Xiaowei away.

……

Zuo Xiaowei left so suddenly, leaving only a basket of eggs. But at this moment, it doesn't seem like a prank. She wanted to use her own way to prevent me from forgetting her and us easily. everything experienced in between.

But what did I do to her?
I finally gave her a bag, but I still wanted to get it back with the invoice.

I regretted it so much that I couldn't control myself anymore, but when I really stood by the window and looked at her, she had already walked to the other side of the road. Even if she shouted, she would never hear it again.

I really want to tell her: I have been reluctant to take her with me, not because I hate her, I just lost confidence in the kind of life where two people wander around the world together, because Luan Yu is already in front of me, and I don’t want to be hurt. But it also hurt her.

Looking at Zuo Xiaowei's increasingly blurry back, I secretly swore in my heart for the first time: If I am not sure that the other person is my lifelong partner, I will never sleep together even if a gun is pointed at my head.

...The whole afternoon after Zuo Xiaowei left, I didn't even touch my phone again.I just lay on the hospital bed, quietly listening to the sound of the waves, and then uncontrollably fell into the wave of memories...

I remembered many forgotten details: In those years, Luan Yu and I were wandering on the road, and it seemed that it was not all about freedom and romance. There would also be times when we had to stop because we ran out of money; we first Save money on food and clothing, and then go crazy to find a temporary job. During the most difficult time, Luan Yu and I once handed out flyers on the road. After we had enough food and clothing, we started to raise money to continue on the road. At this time , Luan Yu usually goes to the store to find a job as a salesperson, and I take some travel photography jobs, but this often means there is no order, and there is no sense of security at all. Occasionally, when I am lucky, I can do it. You can find carpentry work in decoration, which can make a lot of money, but it is also tiring. How tiring is it?I just remember that I fell asleep with my head covered when I got back, and I didn’t even care about sex.

Once, one night, I woke up from my sleep and found Luan Yu sitting next to me, watching me all the time. I asked her why she wasn't asleep yet, and she said, "I want to eat seafood." I said, and she wasn't at the beach. There was no seafood. She added that she just wanted to eat it, but she didn't say she had to eat it. After that, she also lay down, and that night, we didn't say a word again.

At this moment, I finally understood a little bit what Luan Yu was thinking deep down in her heart that night; in fact, that was the beginning of her wavering.

……

After thinking about it for a long time, Ren Ran came to my ward just as it was getting dark. This time, she finally remembered to bring me some food. She didn't seem to be in a good mood, so she didn't behave as usual. Talking to me with a smile like that: "Has Xiaowei come to see you?"

"I've been here and brought me a basket of eggs."

Ren Ran looked at it, but did not continue chatting about eggs. She said to me in a low tone: "She and Lin Xiangyu went to BJ, and they just left."

"I know, she told me."

"There is one less friend around me."

"People are not like stones. They only guard one hilltop for their whole life, and they will always come and go."

"That's what I said, but when I think about the time we spent together, I still feel uncomfortable... Don't you feel uncomfortable at all?"

I shook my head and replied, "I'm used to being separated."

"Then do you know why she left?"

"She is a top student who graduated from a formal music conservatory. How can she have room for development in Qingdao... In the end, she will definitely go to cities like BJ, Shanghai, and at the end, she will have to go to Hangzhou."

"Then there's no need to go now." After a pause, Ren Ran sighed again and said, "She went to BJ to give you the job of singing in the bar."

I didn't react for a moment, so I subconsciously asked: "Why did she give the job to me?...Didn't she ask me to do it? Because the video went viral, and many people wanted to see me."

Ren Ran shook his head: "You really don't know Sao Zhu at all. He is such a shrewd person, can't he still see that the popularity on the Internet is just a temporary cloud? After this wave of popularity, who will visit you again? You again He is not a big star, but there are really many people who go to the bar to spend money on Xiaowei... The bar's business is average now, and it can only invite two singers at most. Counting Xiaowei, there are already two... Before, you ran away Go ask Xiaowei to get back the bag you gave her. In fact, she already knows that your financial situation is not good. She knows that it is not easy for you to find a job, so she went to find Saozhu and wanted you to be in the bar. She wanted to sing, but the naughty pig complained to her, saying that the bar business was not good and they couldn't hire so many singers, so she had the idea of ​​giving up the job... If you knew it was her who gave it up, you would feel sad in your heart. It must have been uncomfortable, so she used that video to talk things out... This is also my fault. If I had told her earlier that you had decided to do the decoration with me, she wouldn't have to do this."

This time I was really stunned, and it took me a long time before I said, "It's not too late for you to tell her now, and when she came to talk to me about this in the afternoon, I already told her clearly that I I don’t know how to sing in bars.”

"It's too late. Not only this, but also the set of vinyl records you want... Lin Xiangyu really wants her to go to BJ. The last time he came to Qingdao, we had a drink together, and he had already expressed that he wanted Xiaowei to go. Xiaowei didn't agree to BJ's idea at the time..." At this point, Ren Ran sighed and said: "It's an exchange, Lin Xiangyu will give you that set of vinyl records, and Xiaowei agrees to go to BJ with him to develop... …So, it’s hard for her to regret it.”

I was stunned for a while: "That vinyl record...isn't it...didn't I drink two kilograms of liquor and exchange it with Lin Xiangyu?"

"You drank two kilograms of white wine in exchange for it, but it was not the exchange with Lin Xiangyu. It was with Xiaowei... She wanted you to drink those two kilograms of white wine so much because she knew she was leaving, so she had to use This way, let you not forget her... She said, men are like this, they must give you enough pain so that you will not forget easily, just like you have not forgotten the man named Luan Yu until now. Just like women.”

At this moment, my face must have looked very ugly, so I was so frightened that I quickly waved my hand and said, "Don't blame me for not telling you in advance... I just heard it from a naughty pig... You know, As both women, Xiaowei and I actually don’t have a close relationship, so she won’t tell me these things.”

I fell into a state of confusion. After a long time, I raised my head and looked out the window...

It was already dark, and the night seemed to cover everything, but there was a particularly bright light, not far away, shining straight at me. It was a lighthouse standing on the sea, and its light illuminated me. , so the traces left by Zuo Xiaowei in my heart can no longer be traced.

I closed my eyes and didn't think about it, but her breath seemed to still linger in the air, some lingering, some dreaming, some following the wind...

(End of this chapter)