i'm not a bad man

Chapter 16
The warmth from Ren Ran's palm is like a light, lighting up the darkest place in my heart. This place is barren of grass, a desert, a dry river, and a withered fruit tree.

I need light and the nourishment of rain.

I turned to look at Ren Ran, and Ren Ran looked at me. We seemed to have penetrated each other at this moment, because we had no secrets from each other. She knew my past, and I also knew her pain and humiliation.

This kind of insight created a desire to depend on each other in our hearts, so she could say such gentle words to me; as for me, how should I respond to her tenderness?
I wanted to hold her and cry, but I didn't dare. We agreed that we would just come out and chat.

……

At this time, Ren Ran smiled again and said, "Why are you looking at me so stupidly?"

"I'm not stupid at all... I'm wondering if this is a sugar-coated bomb on your part, just to corrupt me from the inside so that I will be devoted to you."

"Yes, yes...I really want you to be devoted to me...I won't be afraid that I won't be able to find you when I want to drink."

After saying that, Renran laughed, and I finally smiled along with her; this smile also separated me from the negative and sad mood just now, and I felt much better.

……

Ren Ran proposed to go for a late-night snack, and I was a little hungry; then, the two of them walked on the nearby streets, looking for restaurants that were still open; Qingdao is a city where few people go shopping in winter, and it is already It was late at night, so we walked two streets. The streets were extremely deserted. The only one still open was a shoe store.The store has no signboard, only advertisements for clearance sales are plastered on the glass. The owner is squatting at the door, holding a cigarette in his left hand and holding a sign in his right hand. The sign reads "Rent is due. I won't leave tomorrow. I'm a puppy." "Such cruel words.

Opposite the shoe store is a self-service adult products store. At first glance, no one seems to be patronizing it. As I get closer, I find a young couple standing inside. The boy is picking at the vending machine, while the girl keeps asking. He looked back, as if he was afraid of meeting someone he knew.

This is the night Ren Ran and I are experiencing. Some people are doing it for a living, regardless of dignity, and some are looking for fun, as if they are experiencing an adventure, and we are eager to find a place where we can eat a hot meal.

I don’t know what Ren Ran is thinking, but there is a feeling of being adrift in my heart, because the people I meet at this moment are all people who have no home in this city.

If there is a home, the owner of the shoe store will not leave. If there is a home, the young couple will always keep a lot of contraceptive products at home. This is all wandering; if I have a home, I will also invite Ren Ran to my home to give She cooked a bowl of noodles instead of walking two blocks and still having an empty stomach.

……

"Han Chao, I have an unused apartment there. You can live there later. It's not a problem for you to live in an RV all the time."

I was stunned for a moment and replied, "My RV is just fine."

"Don't leave the RV. I'm afraid that one day you will have a brain cramp and leave quietly." After a short pause, Ren Ran said with some emotion: "I knew you were leaving before, and I felt really happy. It’s sad... You always act like you don’t care about feelings in front of us, so subconsciously you will think that once you leave, you will never come back... We will definitely encounter each other in our lives. Many people will send many people away, but I have never regarded you as a passer-by in life. If I had not met you... maybe, I would still be as willing to accept this as a foregone conclusion as before. life; after meeting you, I suddenly became curious about the life outside the wall, and gradually developed a feeling of yearning... So, in my heart, you are like a pair of my wings... that can make me fly and take me Seeing a different scenery in life... But if you leave like this and never come back, these wings of mine will be gone... Once upon a time, you took me to fly so high, now, I will How painful it will be if you fall...that’s probably what it feels like!”

I half-smiled but said, "As expected of a top student, he can speak so literary and artistically even with a simple sentence of "Hongxing is cheating".

"Go away, don't make such jokes! We have agreed to treat each other as siblings."

Ren Ran's angry look made me restrain myself, so I said seriously: "I won't leave for now. In fact, I called you out just because I wanted to talk to you about work matters... Didn't you say you opened a decoration company? , I feel that I can help you a little, not to mention socializing, I have been to many construction sites over the years, and I know many things on construction sites, especially carpentry and water and electricity."

"That's even better. You've already said you won't leave, and you're absolutely not allowed to go back on it."

I nodded, but Ren Ran yawned at this time and said, "I'm so sleepy, I'll go back to sleep first."

"Didn't we agree to have supper together?"

"I've been drinking so much all night that I'm so exhausted, why should I have a midnight snack?"

I was stunned for a while, then realized that I had been tricked by Ren Ran. All she wanted was a promise that I could stay. Now that I had agreed, of course she no longer had to drag her tired body around with me on the street. Shaking around.

……

Ren Ran reached out and stopped a taxi. Before getting into the car, she took out a key from her bag, handed it to me and said, "This apartment was bought by my father as a gift before I got married." It's given to me, so this is considered my pre-marital property, so you can rest assured; I will send the address to your mobile phone later."

"I've been living in a car for too long, and I'm really not used to it when I suddenly move into a house... If you really want to help me with something, I really have one thing I want to ask you for."

"what's up?"

After a brief silence, I replied: "You know a lot of people. Please help me find out who has collected all 14 sets of vinyl records released by Jay Chou. I want to buy them."

Ren Ran didn't expect that I asked her to do such a favor, so she seemed a little surprised. She asked, "Why did you buy this?"

"Uh... I owe a friend a set, so I bought it and gave it back to her." Ren Ran smiled and replied: "Besides the carpenter, do you have other friends in Qingdao that we don't know?"

I wasn't sure whether Lu Xi and I could be considered friends, but after a brief silence, I still pretended to be confident and replied, "Of course."

"Okay, I'll post an update on Moments later and let you know if someone sells it."

"it is good."

"You really don't want this key?"

I shook my head and rejected Ren Ran again; although this night gave me a lot of life enlightenment, I couldn't suddenly change myself because of it. When you leave, you won’t be hesitant about these burdens.

I don’t have to continue wandering, but XJ, I still want to find an opportunity to visit and see the cultural scenery there, especially "Sailim Lake", "Nalati Grassland", and "Duku Highway".

……

After returning to the RV, I simply washed up and then lay down, but this was destined to be a night when I couldn't fall asleep easily. I thought of many things that I had almost forgotten.

I once had a happy family, and this happiness was especially prominent on my birthday. To this day, I still remember how high-spirited I was on my 18th birthday.

That day, my dad held a birthday party for me in the best hotel in the city. All my best friends and classmates came to the party, and I was the focus of the audience; naturally I also heard countless comments. I indulged in the praises and sang "Listen to Mom" ​​with my guitar in my arms. The image of a good boy attracted applause from the audience... That day, my dad joined hands with my mom to give me the best gift in my life. A precious gift is a Ducati Hacker 950 worth more than [-] yuan. They hope that I can fly with it on the track of life in the future, and be the best in the world.

That day, I saw countless envious looks, and I felt complacent about it. However, as I fell behind in my family life, I was shocked to realize that those looks were not envy at all, but jealousy.

I still felt this way, let alone them who saw human nature more clearly; after that, the atmosphere at home suddenly became gloomy and solidified, and from time to time hysterical yelling and insults would break out, and my life was These roars were cruelly planned... I struggled feebly, and finally became overwhelmed and chose to run away from home.

Now, three years have passed. I don’t know what my family is like now, but I still clearly remember the deep loneliness, melancholy and confusion that I felt at the time, and what kind of trauma it left in my life in my 20s.

I don’t dare to go home, and I don’t expect that someone will appear who can really take me home in the future.

Ren Ran's words moved me, but the home she said and the home I wanted were not the same place at all.

……

I didn't fall asleep until early in the morning, so I only felt like I was dozing off, and then I was woken up by the movement outside.The person knocking on the car window was a middle-aged bald man wearing an armband. He was cursing. When I opened the car window, I heard clearly that he was yelling at me for not parking the RV here. He told me to leave quickly.

I didn't bother to wash up. I only wore pajamas and drove the RV to an unmanaged beach. Then I cooked a pack of instant noodles for breakfast.

……

After breakfast, I bought a shared bicycle nearby and started wandering in the streets and alleys. It was not wandering. I had a very clear purpose. I wanted to visit all the video stores in Qingdao to see if I could Find a set of genuine Jay Chou vinyl records for Lu Xi.

This set of vinyl records is so scarce that I spent a whole day shopping but couldn't find a set in any video store.In the blink of an eye, night fell, and the rush hour of the day came as expected... I finally gave up searching when the traffic was completely paralyzed.

I returned the shared bicycle and sat on a bench by the roadside, watching all kinds of people passing by.Gradually, I felt lonely in my heart...

I don’t know what kind of mentality I should have to face those dazzling lights, the couples of men and women, and the children who are busy going home for dinner.

Therefore, when living alone outside, a bar is always the best place to stay when night comes. I can use alcohol to numb myself...

After lighting a cigarette, I finally took my phone out of my pocket, and then opened the website for trading idle items. The chat history between Lu Xi and I was fixed on yesterday, and there was no new progress.

I don’t know what she is busy with at this moment; I think: celebrities must not feel lonely. After all, there are so many fans who are crazy about them. As long as they are willing, I am afraid no fan will be unwilling. Accompany them to kill boring time...

Just when I was thinking so wildly, my phone, which had been quiet all day, finally vibrated in my hand. I raised my hand and looked at it. It was a voice message sent to me by Ren Ran.

She asked me to go to the bar now and said that a drinking buddy had these 14 vinyl records and wanted to transfer them.

I immediately became energetic, immediately bought a shared bicycle, faced the night, and rode towards the bar...

(End of this chapter)