Catalog of the Lost - a searing epic

The day after the decision, Emer came to the door and persuaded Yuni to postpone the fog exploration for a few more days, on the grounds that Blaitz was already too busy with many matters in the fortress, and even the help of Gryfinn, Will, and Mora would not help, and he needed the help of the person who was most familiar with the fortress and the surrounding landscape.

In Yuni's opinion, this matter can be completely handed over to Bretz to do, although he has not known him for a long time, but for his ability, Yuni is still sure, after all, in the current situation where this kind of money and power has no use, people who are incapable cannot mix in the position of the second-in-command of the rebels in a short period of time.

What

really made Yoni decide to postpone the fog exploration was actually Emer.

After the end of the day of the conversation with Enya, Emer's state and words proved that he was affected by Enya's words, even if he tried to enlighten himself later, he was still affected by the atmosphere, and he couldn't help but show his aversion to fighting, which was the most undeserved.

Emel had the shortcoming of hesitation, and if this incident would make him even more hesitant in the future, and eventually try to compromise or make concessions, it would not be allowed, so Uni made a request that he would solve everything in a short time, and Emel had to see, listen, and understand the true thoughts of the soldiers who fought against the Imperials.

It was a good idea, and for Emer, he was aware of his current situation, and he had been vaguely aware of it since he woke up and heard Gryfin report on the casualties.

After witnessing too many deaths, Emel began to become numb to death.

Emel never thought that such a thing would happen, he thought that even if his combat effectiveness would be reduced, he would not prevent him from stimulating his nerves with anger, inspiring courage, and rushing to the front of the battle line, but now, he has lost the reverence for life he has always had, and can no longer show any emotion for the loss of life, so will he be able to muster up the courage to do the only thing he can do in the next battle? Emel doubted this.

Emer clenched his fists, disgusted and helpless at his now confused self.

Suddenly, the sound of small talk came to Emer's ears, and he came to his senses to find that he had come to the soldier's resting place, and had followed the path pointed by Yoni, and no one had noticed him all the while.

"Huh~Huh~".

A soldier was panting for breath when he suddenly buried his face in a basin filled with water, as if he were about to drown.

Emel watched until the water began to bubble upwards under the water, a scene he had never seen before, and he thought that the soldier was about to hold on and was about to stop him, but at that moment the soldier stood up like a carp leaping out of the river, grabbing his soaked hair with both hands, and panting.

"No, that's it, even if it is, it can't be quiet. "

"I also said that there is no guarantee that this method will work absolutely, you can't complain about me", the soldier leaning against the wall on the side looked indifferent, "After all, killing an Imperial person, is it necessary to have such a big psychological burden?".

"It's the first time I've killed someone. "

"That thing isn't human, isn't that thing a little human?"

"It's not like it! They all have their hands and feet, their heads, mouths, noses, and eyes, and they can speak, and besides, don't you also say that they are 'people' of the Empire?"

"Okay, okay, I said it wrong, I apologize, then you shouldn't react so much, that beast has killed a lot of us, my two brothers are dead, and you don't have any relatives to die at their hands?".

"Yes, but... Not the question... Be... Whew~Whew~... I didn't think about anything, I just thought it was quite simple, actually, but when the sword stabbed them in the throat, I calmed down, and in that moment, there was a... I became their... Feeling, that... Gross..."

The soldier suddenly vomited, and the vomit was all immersed in the basin of water in front of him.

"It's the first time I've killed someone..."

"Me too, but I don't have as much psychological burden as you, I treat that guy as a brute, a brute who smashed my brothers to pieces, and after killing an Imperial, I... Hum... After Ha ——, killed that Imperial, it was good to survive after every battle. "

"I know, I know, while it's a bit selfish to say this kind of thing now, I... Now I don't think revenge is so important, it's important... The reason for killing them is, I don't want to die, I don't want to die... Don't want to die!".

With that, the soldier once again buried his head in the basin of vomit.

The conversation between the two soldiers always caused Emel to inadvertently substitute himself and Yoni in his place, at first only occasionally, but by the end of the conversation, the soldier with a disgusting face when he recalled the flesh and blood of the Imperials had become him completely.

Looking at himself standing there, Emer only felt naïve at the moment, and when he thought of this, he lowered his head and smiled self-deprecatingly.

It turns out that Yoni has always looked at me like a child. ’

Undisturbed by them, Emel continued to walk down the path, the voices of different people coming to his ears one after another.

"I don't know how my parents are doing, but I seem to see them again. "

"My wife is still waiting for me at home, I can't give birth to a daughter while I'm young, my parents are still waiting. "

"There is a very famous restaurant in my family, in the town of Sainan, and after the battle, I will treat you, you can come. "

"My daughter is only ten years old, how can you bastard make such a joke!".

"Don't be angry, uncle, I don't think I'm bad-looking. "

"I want to eat wild mushrooms, I want to eat Suzuki meat. "

......

'If you want to talk to them, what should you talk about?' Emel thought to herself.

On the topic of parents, Emer lost his parents very early, and his adoptive father's words have no family affection to speak of.

The

topic of marriage or childbirth, Emel never thought about... No, maybe let's talk about Lala.

On the topic of food, isn't it necessary to talk about how unpalatable the food in the church is?

Anyway, if it's a small talk, let's talk about something light, and try talking to Bretz next time...

"What do you think... Mistress Emer... What kind of person is you?".

The

small talk on his side suddenly shattered Emer's illusion of happiness, and his gaze slowly moved in the direction from which the voice came.

"I can't tell, after all, I haven't spoken to him, it's not that I think I'm worthy to talk to him, it's just... Mistress Emel has a straight face every day, and he is a very serious person. "

"Sure enough, all that can be said is handsome, 'hero' Emer, the first to kill the Imperials, and led the troops to win a big battle in Lulu Town, and this time, led us to complete the first counterattack of the Imperial Kingdom. "

"But I think Mistress Emel looks... A super... People, that is, people who are not in the same world as us... This feeling, if you think about it, he doesn't seem to be scared at all, unlike me, whose legs go weak at the sight of the Imperial. "

"You really can't speak, that's brave. "

Emer did not listen any further, nor was he ready to follow the road any further, but chose to return the way he came, because he had just found on the road that there was an area where there was no one in the house, and the soldiers in it were patrolling at the moment, and there would be no one to be discovered.

Emer sat down against the wall, looking weak, as if he had something in his heart, and he couldn't spit it out when he breathed it into his lungs, and his thinking brain gradually became confused.

When did I start changing? I don't know.

Why did I change the way I did? I don't know.

It's just that when I came to my senses, it became like this.

The reaction of the soldier who saw blood for the first time was a little naïve, forgetting that this was not supposed to be what he should have experienced in the first place.

I want to talk to other people about my happy past, because I have already tacitly agreed to the fact that they will die in the future, so I want to take advantage of the opportunity to learn more about them.

Deliberately avoid words that sound like they are praising me, because I know that what they praise is my past, and now, my state of mind is like the past.

Even when he was in the Numen Hall, the pain in the sea of corpses and blood could not recall what it felt like at this moment.

It's not right, it's absolutely not.

Can... What to do, what to do right.

Speaking of which, why do so many people show a calm and breezy expression until now, and it should be nervous at this time... Could it be that I'm thinking too much, and I'm the only one like this?

What the hell are they thinking, how are they feeling right now?

I don't understand why I can't empathize with them all the time.

If I could communicate with them, would I be able to empathize with them? No, no, even if I could communicate with them now, I would only be able to infect them with nervousness.

It's not like that, I...

Obviously, I'm the same, it's very likely that I'll die when the next war breaks out, but now I'm afraid, afraid that others will find out about my humiliating appearance, afraid... Exposed to his emotional flaws and being shunned.

I want to talk to them and get to know them, but maybe tomorrow they will...

This must be very painful, I don't know when I'm going to die, and I don't know how much time I have left to laugh and chat.

It must have been painful when you were fighting, the pain of dying when you were about to die, the pain of witnessing the death of your loved ones and companions, and the pain of fighting until you finally found yourself alone.

However, why can't I even recall the pain I once had, and the remorse and unwillingness that I thought had been imprinted on my bones have gradually faded.

Obviously we are companions, obviously we are on the same side, we have fought side by side, but... I'm... Unable to comprehend the pain they are going through now and forth.

If I could remember that feeling, I could go on fighting with all my might, but I can't remember it anyway.

What I want... What the hell is it?

What is it that can arouse my desire to fight?

"I don't know. "

Just as Emer broke down and was about to cry, a familiar voice came to his ears, tired but very intimate, the man who had saved his life countless times, was now coming to save himself?

"Did something happen? "